Hi,

I am 29 years old. My husband had an A and the other women is pregnant. She wants him to leave me for her which he says he would never do, but she is an illegal immigrant and does not make much and he feels guilty about making some other person's life so difficult. He is unsure what to do...we both agree that if she were not pregnant we would definitely work on the marriage and stay, but the OC completely screws everything up. He has agreed to pay child support and see the child, but he feels really guilty. The other women would not consider an abortion and now giving him a major guilt trip....Help!! What can be done?

Ballons of giant hugs.

Please accept my deepest heart felt sympathies, for the great heartaches. I can only imagine how deeply you must be hurting. What a mess.

Your situation is so very complex and painful, the emotions must be so raw. I feel for you, and this other woman, poor innocent child, and for your husband, for this terrible mess.

I am moved here, as this is a situation speaks to my heart and shattered my life, a similar situation happened to my parents.

Unfortunately, my step father made his deceitful disclosure to me when I was 12 yrs, which made him about 30 at the time. The news rocked my world as I felt the knife of betrayal go through my young heart. I disliked him.

He had been drinking to much, the years of suppressed guilt, disclosed when he seperated from my mother when I was 5 that he had affair with a 15 yr old and got her pregant. She had the baby and lived with her parents.

There was never any support, or contact which upset me. Why should a poor innocent baby suffer. Supporting this child is the right and responisble thing to do.

I told my mother, and it never seemed to get resolved. She basically saw as my father's all HIS problem, not hers and stayed married to him, focused on her life, work, etc. Where she got the nerves of steel to seperate the issues is beyond me. He broke her heart and that was it.

They refused to get help for their martial problems, or this issue. And remained married for 42 yrs and was not a good quality relationship.

They never brought up the topic-- but was it fair to my mother, was it fair for my father, or the young poor girl and the baby.

You say this ow is an immigrant how tragik for her too. Her life is altered forever. The baby is true victim here.

What do you really feel in your heart? Could you really forgive him? Many couples do get past the situation, and do support the oc. Move on. It takes a lot of work, there is great suffering, grief to go through. Others simply can never get over it.

Crazy thing was my step father tried to blame my mother for years, called her terrible names, degraded her, accused her of having affairs. He went mad, but the truth coming out, made everything make sense who was the real troublemaker.

He could of easily gotten divorced and not put either of us through his personal hell. It's didn't get better, he just drank, drank, drank more. He passed away three years ago, and my mother loved him all the way through it and still loves him.

It's all so complex, difficult and complicated.

What do you want to do? Have you gone to the section here ow/oc?

I will pray for you... my hugs, and concerns are with you. But God is even more with you in your sad walk through the valleys of sorrow.

Hi,

I do feel bad for the child and if we stay together I would definitely be a part of its life with my husband. But I do not feel bad for her at all. He knew she was married, when she got pregnant he said she should have an abortion and refused. She began saying she didn't expect anything from him but now she is giving major guilt trips and asking him to leave me and he needs to be responsible for the child.....she even has her family call him and she has lied to them saying he was her boyfriend..NOT MARRIED....she is completely self-interested....he has no responsibility to her she made the decision to keep a baby with a married man....he does need to support the child, but that should be it....she is really laying it on thick now since she knows that I know and that we may seperate, so she is going for him.

She is absolutely awful! What a horrible *****! I feel for my husband, but he did do this to himself and he needs to set the groundrules with her.

What should we do? Should I stay or go? We have no kids and I am young. Should I cut my losses and run?

OK, I'm going to be the cold voice of logic here for a moment.
You say she is a horrible *****. But he was married to you, and slept with her. My guess is he didn't tell you beforehand that he was gonna do that. But he did. Which means he cheated on you, and lied to you.
He's probably still lying to you. I'd take his side of the story with a grain of salt. The two of them had an affair together. She didn't trick him into banging her, he did it willingly.
If you think he can start being honest with you, then stay with him. But if he will just blame it all on her, and not come clean with you, do you really want him?

I’m so sorry for your pain. Have you posted on the Other Child forum? There are several members who have dealt with this issue. Some have had success, like K. Others have had a period of success followed with turmoil, like Humble One. And others have decided dealing with an OC was impossible. K and Humble One have raised the children as their own. They are their own children although blood work would tell you differently.

Chica - Come back to the PG board or email me if you want. My dh and I are IN RECOVERY, even tho he has 2 OC - by the same woman. We are in process of gaining custody of them - I love them dearly, and it can be done - BUT IT'S LOTS OF HARD, HARD (sometimes hurtful) WORK!

Our OW sounds very, very similar to yours....

Anyway, my email is niosgirl@yahoo.com

- Kimmy