I am approaching the 1yr mark of D-day (7/20) and wanted to update. H had multiple A and resulting OC. He refused to work on M, so we D 12/30/03 (happy new year!). He changed mind right before, but was told by church NOT to raise baby, but to give up for adoption. An option neither of us would consider. He now has full, legal custody of OC (boy, born 10/2). (OW drug addict and not cooperating with state requirements, and will probably sign over parental rights-which is what I first responded to H with on 7/21-I would raise if she would sign over!). All along I wanted to adopt and raise this child. But, because H did not want to save M, I relented and slowly pulled away. Also, church leadership advised that this was not my problem! (Separated 10/25/03). I fell into the "lonely, somebody love me, please" pit and fell for D man whose wife had also had A and divorced him for OM (2 years prior). We hid our emotional relationship from all but a few close friends until AFTER D was final. THEN, we were called to the carpet by the leadership at our church, and since we were "leaders" (I worked there and he was on the worship team), we were relieved of our positions and told to separate. We did, I had surgery the next day (pre-planned) and we stayed away from each other, but also, everyone else pretty much stayed away from us. Talk about being in the lowest place of my life BEFORE...NOW it was made worse by being left alone. No one wants to associate with a "sinner." Then, after 3 months of no real contact, we started seeing each other again. It has been 3 months. We have found a new church, where we are loved and accepted, but we both feel the horrible remorse of having lost the people we loved, and who we thought loved us. My biggest hurt was the fact that I begged for counseling. All I got was what I got here (at MB forum) and that of "well-meaning" friends. (Remember Job's friends?) Anyway, I want to convey to anyone who might be in the early stages of a similar situation to open your eyes and recognize that it's not worth it. I love this man, but if we would have listened FULLY to our leadership (and especially to God when we first started talking just before my divorce was final, to stop and wait!), maybe things would be different now. For sure, the HUGE body of Christ we belonged to would not be publicly shunning us (there's always going to be a few in every crowd, though), and each of our healing processes would not have been hindered by our grabbing on to each other and losing sight of WHOSE we really were and who would fill the God-sized hole in our hearts. Those who tried so hard to fight against our human nature to want to be loved and keep us apart, actually worked to satan's advantage in that it actually left us alone with no one but each other (physically-spiritually, we had Jesus) to love and be loved by. I would counsel you to do the hard thing...listen to those God places over you EVEN IF YOU DON'T AGREE! God will take care of the rest!! Ex-H feels like HE has caused me all this turmoil. I accept 100% of my part in our marital failure, even if I THOUGHT everything was fine. I would counsel any church leadership reading this that if you have people who are being emotionally ripped apart by adultery...DO NOT LEAVE THEM TO THEIR OWN DEVICES! And if you do, don't expect them to suddenly warm up to your concern if it wasn't there when they needed it MOST! I had a well-meaning friend say, "we hurt for you, yes, but we're not consumed by it like you are!" I was in a vulnerable state and had to keep up the outside because remember, I was in "leadership." That made it all the more easier to fall apart on the inside. The "consumption" that she visibly saw was stronger than any effort made by "friends" to console. Not that they are to be a major part of any healing, but to be sure, we are called to be an integral part of our spiritual sibling's burdens/failures/joys and yes, even sin. Thank you for listening!

I'm glad you are doing better now. It's good advice. Thanks you for sharing.

You were shunned by that church upon revealing a budding relationship AFTER divorce?? The same church that was instrumental in your divorce in the first place??

Remind me to never visit that church.

I too have been baffled by the reaction by some of the leaders of my former church. I know my pastor prayed for me and am so grateful.

My H's Sunday school teacher chided me for spreading gossip when I asked for prayer in MY Sunday school class as my H had left us for OW. I made this request by the advice of an assistant pastor who is married to my Sunday School teacher. My H's Sunday school teacher's wife also spoke very unkindly to me because I had said that my H was an alcoholic. She told me I didn't know what an alcoholic was but she did as her brother was an alcoholic. She had never been in my home, carried on more than a few sentences of conversation with me, had never talked to our daughter, or had been there when H was arrested for public intoxication. She was not there the countless nights when daughter and I left the house to stay in a motel room because H was so drunk that we were terrified. She didn't ask how often he was drunk and if she had, she would have found out that he was drunk more nights than not. She didn't know that he had destroyed the insider of our home. She never knew the abuse we endured because of him. Her husband yelled at ME on the phone that he was sick and tired of talking to my husband!

I eventually wrote this couple a letter, apologizing if I had done anything to them that was unChristian. After all doesn't God's Word tell us to be at peace with everyone. I'm sure they thought my actions were bad as they wouldn't speak to me. The next week my H's father passed away and they did not speak to me at the funeral.

I have now left my church. Other than our senior pastor, I doubt few really know how horrible it has been for our daughter and me. I know that if I attend there stbxh would not go-and he needs to be in church. Besides, they seem to support him more than our daughter and me. Least of all me.

I can't hold hard feelings for these people as down in my heart I don't believe that they meant to hurt us. I remember years ago a couple in our church who had been instrumental in introducing us there, were torn apart because of his adultery. I remember having a hard time knowing what to say to her. I felt bad but anything I thought to say seemed so hollow. My heart broke for her and I never imagined I would walk the same path. When I found myself in the same place, I remembered that feeling and understood why some people became silent around me. What I didn't understand was why some people became accusatory. I learned that we never know what other people have endured and how it flavors their reaction.

Like you said, the only opinion that matters is God's opinion. He provides in His Word so many examples of people who have come out of sin to have a life that glorifies Him.

I doubt Job's friends were really trying to pull him further down-maybe it was just immaturity or their reaction too was floavored by their past.

Romans 8:28 tells us that God works all things to good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I stand on that promise and do my best to not let the reactions of others taint my faith. We're all sinners-all of us and I can't expect God-like behavior from people who are not God.

I think I've found a new church-and I'm very, very particular about whose instruction I sit under. I believe God's Word is inerrant and it's harder and harder these days to find a teacher/church that espouses that fact. I can't have hard feelings about my last church or stand in judgement-it's not my job. My time there has passed and God has plans for me elsewhere. I've learned that we never know what people have endured and what hurts they have to carry. I just know that God's Word, His Love, His Sacrifice and His Truth is all sufficient. I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.

JPH,
Amen sister. I agree that we cannot sit in judgement on what any "church" does. God sees everything, and I agree, too, that all things work together for good. I am in a wonderful, christian environment at work now and very blessed. I am abel to keep one job, if I was still at the church, I'd have to have two as ministry doesn't pay well. God knows what I did (and didn't) do. I am still looking for true teaching to sit under. I do miss that form my former church. Their Word was right on, and they taught verse by verse which was phenominal! I still listen to them on the radio daily, so I get fed there. I miss the closeness of the church family. I am the only christian in my physical family, so I ALWAYS have to be careful how I talk about what happened, and mostly just DON'T talk about so as to not give God the bad rap in all of this. I am sorry that you, too, had to endure a tough time. I praise God that you are in His care thtough it all. God bless you!