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Joined: Jan 2004
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David A Offline OP
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I was coming home from church this morning and I saw the stbxw's car with a passenger in it. I swung around and they had stoped at a store I pulled through the parking lot glared at them and drove out. I really wanted to confront them but i figured being in jail wouldn't help my kids or me any. She had spent the night with him obviously and they were getting ready to part. Now this might not seem to big a deal to most here, but she had been denying being anything but freinds with him. This all started 7 months ago. She came home and acted like I hadn't even seen them. I told her to remove the rest of her belongings from our bedroom and that I wanted her to give me a seperation and leave.

She moved her stuff out of the bedroom but says she is refusing to leave. Will continue living in the outbuilding and taking off whenever she pleases. She says she is in terrible pain and suffering. That she knows she is doing wrong but can't stop herself.

I'm sorry she is having all these problems, I really am. But if she recognizes what she is doing is wrong and continues to do it and won't get help, what am I to do ?

I can't fix her problems, I know that now. I can only suggest she get help and try to fix them herself. She doesn't want to hear that either.

I can't take her blatant disrespect of our marriage anymore. I told her now I know why we haven't recieved the second chance at rebuilding our relationship. She won't deny anything nor admit to it either. Haven't I been patient long enough ?

My 16 year old daughter thinks I am horible for making her move out of the bedroom the rest of the way. She hasn't slept in there for months. Just using the room for storage. So now I am the bad guy in my daughters eyes even though Mom is carrying on an affair and has been for months.

I must put an end to this insanity. She has been living here for free for the last 7 months only buying food. I can't and won't condone her behavior any longer. Nor do I want to support her either. I told her if she doesn't want our marriage or share a family and a home with me then she should leave and get on with her life elsewhere. That she would be welcome to see the children whenever she wanted. But to go live somewhere else..... Still She won't leave.....

I have a divorce agreement being drawn up by an attorney which I hope to have in hand tomorrow. I was fairer than the attorney thought I should be. I just hope she accepts it and we can be done with this part of our lives.

And before you ask the question. The answer is yes. If she would renounce her affair, break all contact, go back to IC an MC, follow the guidlines for an affair proof marriage I would take her back. But I think at this point the world will come to an end before that happens.

I can forgive and I am willing to but only if it is deserved. So now I must finally accept my fate and give up hope and move on. Try to communicate to the children that the example their mother is setting is not how good, God Loving and moral people live their lives. How do I do that without making me look like I am trashing her ?

My sin was neglect by being a workaholic provider. Please forgive me as I did not know what I was doing was wrong. I was doing as I was taught and how I was raised to work hard, be a good and honest man and provide for my family. I have asked for her forgiveness and at one time she said she had forgiven me. But I don't see it when I see and feel hate and betrayel coming from her heart.

How do I get her to leave and let me move on. It is so difficult having to watch her coming and going and spending nights away with the OM. I was in denial that the affair was ongoing so that I could cope with living with her in the same house. But now that curtain has been lifted and I must face the truth and do something about it. Plan A doesn't work with an affair in bloom. Plan B is tough when she won't leave and we have to interact to coparent.

How long does it take someone like me who has unconditional love for a spouse to fall out of love or out of caring for the well being of that person ?

I'm glad I have an IC session tomorrow. Boy am I going to dump !!!!!!!!!!!!!! and probably cry alot too...........

Gotta go for now,

David A

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Hi David!

Just to let you know I understand a 100%. I have been in your shoes just a little bit longer. I'm being separated for almost 2 years now and my h, have been really horrible with me, and sometimes I know I need to divorce but I do not have the strenghss to do it.

You see, why you or I have to file for a D that we really dont want, so later on, they can said I did because you wanted to?

I think you should separated, see if that wake her up, do plan B, but don't file for divorce, let her do it. Unless, you have other reasons to be divorce but if not if you are not in a hurry, just separated an see what happens.

I'm praying for you, and I hope you feel better.

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David A Offline OP
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Hi Majoli,
I have been seperated for 5 months and recently moved back into tthe house. It did no good other than to let her be comfortable in living her new lifestyle without me around to see it all and cause trouble.

Now I have asked her to leave and she won't. I can't force her out so I am stuck with her until we reach some kind of divorce settlement.

She filed for divorce and we had a hearing on Jan 20th. Come July 20th either one of us can file for a hearing to move the divorce along. She has been living here rent free since the first hearing. She is supposed to be contributing half the expenses per our temporary court orders. She only buys food.

I have admitted my mistakes before her and God. I know God forgives me and will always give me another chance as long I am in ernest in my feelings and my behaviors. I have been leading an honest and moral life and have no shame as to my behavior or intentions.

On the other hand she forgave me once in a moment of weakness but her actions say something completly different. At this point this is her problem not mine. I have forgiven her and am willing to give our relationship another try under certain circumstances but I am reasonably certain it won't happen.

I don't want it to end, but I need it to end for my own sanity and peace of mind.

I just heard from my pro bono attorney and he is emailing the divorce agreement within the hour. I think it's going to be a long night..........

David A

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David A,

I hear your pain and your handling it well, coming along. It is a difficult path you are walking.

Kudo's you have put love first, brought the bottom up and for her sake, especially for your daughter sake, and your self.

There must be God's standard raised in your home. Adultery must be taken seriously or else what will become of your daughter and the both of you.

She needs to see you be strong and you are. She needs to see that you have elected to erect boundries not for punishment but for protection.

Good to see that there is a right and wrong, and that God provides an escape to get out entrappments, and ensarements, by his divine love, grace and intervention, and he is work through you!

You have been very fair and very reasonable.

You have advised her correctly to seek help immediately for her self or move on with the om supporting her. There is no fence.

She needs to feel experince the full gravity and weight of her wrongdoings, not to punish her per se.

But for her actual benefit in the long run of coming into true repentance, for her own welling being, her own true salvation and experince what forgiveness is like, so that she can begin the process of forgiving others.

I know how much it hurts to see them together. I being in a similar position gave my xh a good drive by smile and wave. Grace under fire. Truth, of the matter the pain lessens and God provides relief from the agony/bondage of that pain.

I found myself in a tight spot, when I ended up having to live with my xh for a month. It was most difficult but for the sake of our children whom my xh was denying his affairs, retaining his false dignity.

I simply hired a PI, relaxed, and let the PI followd him and went about my life cheerfully with no contact with my xh. I guess it was a cold bi-polar war of no words.

He had taken up sking after my dealing with him for 2 years of a chronic back pain. I found a woman ski jacket in my bedroom, and was not amused. I found new ski boots which did not belong.

I must confess I was not charitable and dumped hot chili peppers seeds in the ski boots. Thought I would have him really burning with desires down the ski slopes with his mystery x mistress.

( not proud of my own conduct, think that was the worst i had ever done to him.)

When I found his 3x mistress, through the PI- I caught them together in front of her house. Confronted them. My xh came home that following night. He had locked himself in the bedroom. I firmly unlocked the door, and asked him to leave immediately or would call the authorities. Game over.

He felt since he was paying some bills he right to stay. I simply started the entire process of packing all of his belongings, loaded them in his vechile and told him I would race him in how fast we could have him vacate. I demanded he leave. My son didn't need the lies, manipulation any further.

You may wish to speak to your attorney about her assistance to leave and also speak to your family doctor about her state, concerns.

She does sound like she needs and deserve the right medical attention, and perhaps in a deep state of depression.

Your GP could assist in the process of a loving intervention for her to come to terms with her situation, and harm it is doing to all of you. Other friends who care about your wife, you and your family. Perhaps, everyone could write a loving letter to be presented to her in the Dr. office.

Healthy people do not behave this way.

Personally, I wished my dear brother in Christ the couple I shared with you about could have stood firmer with my dear friend.

The affair went on too long and think my dear friend would come around alot sooner than living in the home. I wished we could have gone to her family doctor to brings to a head. As opposed to wasting time and energy on our own.

As the fall out, and consequences seriously affected their daughter adveresly, has been an absolute disaster for many years to come.

Sadly, their daughter learned to act out for yrs and use men like kleenex, she is 30 yrs old sadly a single parent, living at home.

I am heartbroken for her. She had so much promise and potential. Thankfully,God is now a part of her life and little boy.

I hope you will continue to post your pain and hurt feelings here as you are doing. Because it does hurt and God cares very much for all of you.

My prayers are with you all. I feel sad for you wife that she is fallen. I pray that she will rise in grace and love.

Please be kind to yourself.

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David A Offline OP
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Hi Sky Diver,
It has been a rough and strange week. She is either a very good actress or she is in terrible pain, mentally and physically. We had a long talk in the kitchen last night and she is still trying to convince me she is not having an affair. Why would I assume just because I saw them together on Sunday morning that they were having an affair. Tough question to answer but I guess where there is smoke there is fire. She spends much more time with him than she does with her own kids or me. She has tinitus ( ringing of the ears ) really bad now and she says she is only getting a couple of hours of sleep every night. She also has a hernia in her groin which is popping more frequently now. This coupled together with living with the guilt of her self recognized bad behavior is literally driving her insane. There are other problems as well that are even more personal which I won't discuss in a public forum. If you want to know you can email me for the details.

She tells me she isn't confiding in anyone. That she keeps all this bottled up inside and occasionally vents to me.

I have asked and told her again and again to go back to counseling and go see her priest. She only changes the subject and starts talking about where and what kind of an apartment she is going to get. In my opinion the priorities are way out of order.

It would be so easy if I were a nasty SOB. I'd just end it and move on. Bu NOOOOO I am a loving compassionate person who is feeling her pain now more than my own. It is so frustrationg to learn about all the things I did wrong or poorly and not get the chance to do it right.

I pray for her and the children daily. Myself as well. To know what Gods will is for me. I once asked her what would it take to turn her around and work on our relationship again. her response was "A Miracle " Funny thing I have also been praying for one of those.

I have to go and get supper ready now. I will check back in later. Hope your move is going well and uneventful

Peace,

David A

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David,

When she starts sharing these things with you--
kindly explain to her that you are sorry she is in such agony--but this is not really your concern as she is not wanting to share her life with you--and wanting to move out--

You really can plan B of sorts while still living together--even with no LB's--

And let her know that as long as she is continuing to live a seperate life from you--she will need to discuss her issues with her doctor--but when she's ready to try again with the marriage and enter MC
you'd be more than willing to sit down with her so that she can share these things with you--

She's not to far gone into the fog at this point--
because she's still reaching out to you--but you do need to learn to set some healthier boundaries for yourself--

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Hi David,

Wow-my your wk has been a roller coaster.

I feel so terribly sad for all of you- it's all such a mess and travesty.

I am glad to know you are able to be sustain your self and be compassionate.

Times when God gives us great grace, when the anguish knives are so deeply lodged within ourselves.

I greatly admire your ability to be calm, and not let emotions. Overide. The blessings will be paid to will be tremendous!!!

I am sorry that your wife is in a deep freeze state of denial, sounds like she is suffering on so many levels.

The double mindedness can produce a splitting off. Is this what has you confused?

Appears her state is fragile- seems she may be in a state of shock, reality fast approaches, and her denial/amensia system programming, has kicked in. Obviously, holding up her present internal infrastructure.

Perhaps, this coping style worked for her as a child, but no longer effective in her as an adult and current state.

Thorned Rose too, has too very excellent, stead fast advice.

I can't imagine what her interior world must look like on the inside.

From what you describe, sounds like she has blocked so much. Possibly extremely fearful and overwhelmed by what she has done.

Lacking in healthy tools/resources to deal with her past, current shame, guilt.

Sounds like the stress has compounded itself and manifesting itself in horrible ugly way.

What comes to my heart at this moment-is the good samaritan. Luke 10 25:37.

I know during my time of frustration with proceedings, my lawyer and I gave alot of breaks, considerations, fairness, displayed acts of compassion to my xh-.

For what ever the matter is worth- you decide, pray about it, weigh what would be the most appropiate course of action to take.

Only you know your wife, family situation and limits better than anyone.

I wonder if taking her to the doctor might be helpful, a full exaimation and blood work. She's wounded and to be pittied. Supporting her through this rough patch might led to healing.

The health problems you mention sounds cause for alarm and possible other sensitive consideration.

There is another moral dilema perhaps worth considering?

The question-Do we shoot our wounded when they are not in their right state of mind and health?

Another option worth considering in imho.

Stating clearly outlining on paper, which serves to close down the loopholes, of what ever her loopy rationals are.

She refrains while under medical care, while she is living with you, until she is strong enough to care for herself and living independantly from her seeing this other man.

Letting her know her conduct in this situation, is disrespectful, inappropiate, distastful, inconsiderate, uncomfortable and plainly unacceptable for you and your daughter, during this time of dissolution.

Does your wife have a strong faith? A bit of faith? Does she have a bible? That's where her true solutions, freedome from her bondage and hope is.

Sounds like your in rough waters still--awful horrible, as things are she is your children mother.

I wouldn't want to see something terrible happen, which could be prevented and possibly lead to her healing. Enough damage seems to have been done.

I am thinking applying some first aid to the situation, may be an opportunity, God could use.

Chronic pain truly disorients a person. Just my 2cents worth.

My xh knows deeply in his heart- that I have for the most part done good to him than evil. I have blown a few gaskets. But overall, had to save his life a few times. I didn't want a greater tradegy on my hands, or conscience.

Maybe she might learn to forgive others in her past to make peace. If she can't forgive u--then it is obvious she is quite a embittered person.

It's your call David--be the better man if you can-with the hopes she can be better mother to your daughter.

Maybe if she is too go, she can be phased out politely and civilly. That will remain on her conscience what she did to her family.

I will be in deep prayer.

Take care

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David A Offline OP
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Hi Thorned Rose,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "She's not to far gone into the fog at this point-- because she's still reaching out to you--but you do need to learn to set some healthier boundaries for yourself." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Reaching out or just convienient. I seem to reap what I sow with her. If I were to plan B using your words I really believe I would drive her away for good. More than once she has commented on how kind and gentle a man I am. I really don't think acting against my current demeanor will do anything but drive her away even further. I did ask her to remove her belongings from our bedroom which she did. I did ask her to give ME a seperation and she has refused. She only leaves when the kids aren't around or when she believes it's "her" weekend on her self imposed visitation and child caring schedule. My son is in Vermont with a friends family, my daughter has left at noon today to stay with a friend all weekend. I wasn't told of any of this until last night. Now my stbxw is away for the weekend as well. She said what did I expect that she was going to spend the weekend at home alone with me. I said no I didn't really know what I expected other than I didn't think is was right for her to be away with no explanation.

Hi Sky diver,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The question-Do we shoot our wounded when they are not in their right state of mind and health? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Funny you should bring that up because that is exactly the line of reasoning I have been using. My vows were in sickness and in health. As far as I am concerned she is in sickness. This is one of the biggest reasons I am sticking to my vows. I belive she is in a full blown mid life crisis with many other issues both medical and mental.

Change the illness to cancer instead, what kind of person would I be if I abandoned her uder those circumstances ?

I'll write more later.. Gotta run
David A


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