I thought by now I would be feeling at least a little better about getting angry at him and being thankful that he's out of my life, but I'm not.

I miss the feel of his chest against my cheek, the sound of his heartbeat, the sound of his raggid breath. I miss the sound of him clearing his throat, the sound of his voice.

I miss his gentle pats on my backside while I slept, his fingers combing through my hair. 6&1/2 years of struggle, but there were good times. There were a few times he made me feel special, he made me feel like a woman.

Now all I hear about and see is him making another woman feel special, feel perfect in his eyes. It hurts very much.

I talked to H's mother yesterday and she said "all he told me is that you hurt him very badly." And all I could think was "and he is not puting me through a hurt worse than any other imaginable every single day for the last 7 weeks?"

I know it wouldn't do any good to tell him, it wouldn't do any good to try to explain myself to his mother. And even if he did come crawling back, or walking back with his chest puffed out, could I allow myself to give in to him?

He has hurt me, lied to me, done deliberate things to make me cry and feel horrible. Can I ever trust him again? I don't think I will have to worry about him coming back. Even if his g/f does leave him, I think he's left me for all time.

I will always hold him in my heart. I will always care about him and it hurts, to care about someone that doesn't care about you.

I guess I'm just down in the dumps today. I'm missing the good parts of my life as they have not all been replaced with joy. I'm missing the good parts of my H.

Chas,

I am sorry that you are feeling this way, but it's ok, everyone goes through this even after being divorced almost 2 yrs and seperated 3 yrs I still go thru this. I truly loved my husband and that is something that I will probably always do. Do I want him back? No. I don't like the person that he is now, I don't love the person that he is now, but I do love the man that was my husband. I am over him and over being divorced but sometimes I do feel down because I am divorced and that is not something that I wanted for myself in life. It's ok to go on a pity party per say you just can't stay there!!!

Does that make any sense? I hope it does!!! I basically just wanted you to know what you are feeling is mornal. And you are right in not trying to explain to his mother her son, doesn't work so well, I tried!!!

Have a better day!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I also feel this way at times. I agree with daybreak that I don't want him back, he is not the man that I married and fell in love with.

Don't go see The Notebook, it will bring all those feelings back in the fore front. Just remember it does get easier with time. It has for me, but I still have those down in the dump days, but they are getting fewer in between.

Take care of yourself!

Chastesin,

Ok, I have to ask this. You cheated on your H, and tore his heart out. He gave up on you and your resistence to working on it, and started an affair of his own. You filed for divorce and you are now lamenting how bad and heartless he is????

You are still I child, I realize this, but have you not figured out that actions have consequences, and your action of having an affair destroyed this marriage. Yes, he could have responded better, and in my book he should have, but don't you think it is time YOU learned something from this, and quit the blame shifting? I do. You know why? Because if you don't learn, if you don't quit the blame shifting, you will repeat your mistakes and make no mistake about this. What has happened was a direct result of YOUR choices and decisions.

What you are missing, YOU gave away. What you are wanting YOU had,but did not value. Time to stop the lamenting and see if you can learn something from this that will help YOU in the future.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way.

JL- I don't know what you mean by resistence to working things out. I haven't been resisitant. I do cherish the small amount of time that he made me feel so special, but there was a much larger amount of time that I struggled to try to feel that way.

I know what I have done has caused the start of this breakdown, and he knows that how he treated me helped cause what I did, I am not shuffling all the blame to him, I am taking the blame for my actions.

I didn't file for divorce because I hated him, or I wanted to get back at him, he wanted it. He wanted to go uncontested but what he wanted from me was too much. So I had to file, and we have to go to court like everyone else and fight for what little we will actually end up with in the end.

I didn't say anything about "blaming him" for how I feel right now. I just miss the good parts of him, the few good things that I remember him doing for me.

Do I want him back? I feel the same way you other two feel. I love the man he was, not the man he's become. But I will always care about him, always want to try to help him as much as I can, and I want our daughter to have a fruitful life between the two of us giving her love and affection that we can't give to one another.

Monday we go to court over custody. We are supposed to (the three of us) go to the zoo on Saturday before we go to court. At least we will have one good day before crap hits the fan, if it does.

I do know that not getting what you want creates anger, but that anger will fade, and hopefully in the future we can at least be friends for our daughter's sake.

I am hoping that Saturday will not turn out to be the last family event that we have, but it may be for a long time. That's up to us on how adult we want to be in handling it.

I know you say I am still a child, and I believe that yes, I am young, and my husband is no better than I at dealing with this. It's hard for all of us.

I am doing all that I can. I am keeping communication lines open, I am trying to create a friendly environment between the two of us, and I am letting his family as well as mine know that I am not denying my child to any of them, least of all, her Daddy.

It's just what I have done, I punish myself for. And what has happened, has taken all the fight and sexual lust out of me. I am a mother now, nothing more. And that's all I can focus on right now. That's all I can feel. I can only feel love and want love from my daughter.

I am doing what my IC has told me, getting my feelings off my chest. Letting everyone know that I am not heartless, and neither is he. It's only an ugly situation that we cannot agree on.

Seeing him today did help, though we talked for 10 minutes, that's longer than we've talked in weeks. And for the first time, not one harsh word. I think we are both ready to start trying, trying to be friendly so that our daughter does not have to see either of us lament over the situation.

I guess that's all for now, I have to go to work and my baby needs me, it's TV time!

Thanks everyone, I needed a pick me up.