<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It has finally dawned on me that my marriage is over. I have been on the other forums taking strength from others and thinking that we could resolve things if WS came to her senses. Unfortunately for me, last night I confronted her again about the start of the EA, and for 20mins she looked me in the eye and lied to me about the fact that she had arranged to meet the OP beforhand. After showing her the evidence several times, WS finally admitted that they had arranged to meet beforehand. This has taken several weeks to extract from her. As a result I thought that we could work through our problems, but she is still covering for him, saying that she initiated the first contact, and I know that they are still in contact.
As much as I know in my heart that everything that has happened thus far is resolvable, her continued lying about things that I am uncovering is / has destroyed any trust / confidence that I have in her. I now know that the right thing to do is to get out of this unhealthy marriage, but I am in so much pain that I just can't see past the hurting. I love her with all my heart, but the fact is I will never get past what she has done and continues to do. every time she wants to go out I can't think straight or sleep, and end up waiting for her. It's a real killer, it is consuming me.
1)We still live together and says she loves me, but is not in love with me. How do I move forward and stop the pain?

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 07:55 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Does any one have any advice for me to help pick me up a little today as I am in a bit of a hole?
The more I think about where my life is heading ( the big D) the more I feel like I am heading into an emotional abyss.
I hate to think that I will have to get into the night club scene (at 38yrs of age) as I have never really liked it.

She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me like a brother, a father, etc.

I am trying to put a positive spin on this and looking at it as a challenge from above. There must be a lesson to be learned, but I am not sure what it is? I am rambling a bit here, so I apologise, but I really need to vent!!

mark

I am sorry that you are feeling low, but there are better things out there then the night club scene and 38 is not that old.

EA's are very hard to accept and deal with, it really tears up a BS. EA's mean that it wasn't about sex it was about connecting with another person on an emotional level that was not your spouse and that hurts the BS like h@(( when you think about it. So don't think about it don't dwell on it. Be the best that you can be, there will be "Somebody someday for you" LIke the Reba song says!! You just have to patient and give it a chance.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, here's my advice.

First off, I don't know how long you've known about this or have been working on this, but don't give up hope yet. Suggest to her to seek MC, and GO to MC. She may realize that she's being silly and redescover the love for you and you may rediscover your love for her.

GO SLOW! Don't just jump into D. I know right now you think it is the only option, but there are other options out there. If a piece of paper makes you feel better, file for a legal separation and separate.

I think if she is away from you, not living with you, she will either come to her senses, or realize that she doesn't want to be there at all.

Either way, you and her will finally know where you stand and if a D is really what you two want.

I can't tell you how to feel, or tell you that you will ever forgive her. You have to figure that out for yourself.

My H can't forgive me, but I can forgive him for his current A. The only problem is, I can't be M to a man that is openly seeing another woman and tells me he DOESNT want to work on us.

Things didn't work out for me, but that doesn't mean that they can't work out for you. You are the one that has to decide where you want your life to go. Take time thinking about it. A lot of people get over things like these, and a lot of people don't. You have to figure out which one you and your W are.

Good luck. I hope that you do make up, because there is no pain like the pain of losing the love of your life. It's worse than death because you still see them, know that they are there and know that they continue to hurt you everyday they are with someone else and not you.

I know your pain, and a lot of people on here do. Just know too that it does get better. It just takes TIME! That horrible word that no one wants to hear. It just takes time.

Chastesin and Daybreak,
thanks for those kind and wise words. What you say makes perfect sense, and part of the mond chatter tyhat I have is similar to this. Problem is it's still painful to look at her, think about her etc. I will do as you suggest and try to keep my chin up, look to the positive and envisage a future that I want and deserve. Still hurting, but thanks it means a lot..

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

M.A.
So sorry to hear about your pain, I know all too well the feeling. Read up on the fog, and try to realize that everything she's saying and doing right now is because of the fog....
You just have to decide whether you can wait things out until her EA/PE runs out...
Sometimes it gets so painful you just have to move on.
You need a good support group right now, so call on good friends and family, talk to your minister, or someone at church. Grieve and don't be afraid to cry, everytime you cry and tell your story, you feel a little better. Don't be afraid of the feelings.
Over time, you will feel better. Time is the hardest thing....but very healing. Pray as much as you can. You may feel like God isn't listening or answering, but later when you look back, you will see that he is
Take care.
Let us know how you're doing...keep posting, it helps!!!
KK

Hi kk,
Again thanks for the kind words. Yes I realise that it's the fog, unfortunately WS does not. She seems as confused as I am, yet it's her doing. I am not perfect husband and realise that I had been love busting when in actual fact I was trying to highlight the problems to her and find resolution.
Although not a good catholic over the years, I have been asking fo God and anyone else's help. All of my friends and family love my wife as she is generally a really good person. Problem for me is that as people are finding out some of what has / is unfolding, they are also being very honest, and are telling that maybe I should get out as I will not ever be able to trust her again. I know they mean well, and to be honest would offer them the same advice. Problem as you are well aware, my heart still yearns for WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi Renaissance Man,

I understand your feelings because I found out four days ago that my husband of 14 yrs has been having an affair with a married woman for 3 months. He wants to be with her and wants to throw away our family (3 daughters).

I feel devastated, sick, lonely and can't even think of the future. I don't have a clue how to go on by myself and raise the kids. I've been a stay at home mom for 12 yrs.

I don't know how to go about meeting new people and being 36, also out of the bar scene for a lot of years. Can't imagine kissing someone else though.

The worst of it is, I always told him that if he cheated, that would be it. I told him to move out. Now I'd like to think that I left the door open but I can't do it forever. If he broke it off with OW in the very near future, there may be a chance.....the longer the A continues, the harder the road back. I feel like you, just wanting to get on with my life, I can't wait around forever for someone that doesn't love me.

I feel hopeless and soooo incredibly lonely. My friend, my partner is no longer here......

I'm afraid of getting into a deep depression and not being able to help my children through this. I just keep thinking, when I wake up in the morning, everything will be fine, but it's not.....

I can't really offer any encouraging words but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, I feel your pain....
Mag

MW, I am very sorry to hear of your situation, as you say there are many good people suffering that probably don't deserve it.
One thing that I am repeatedly told from all the good folk here is that the more that you talk / grieve / write about it, the better you eventually feel. I agree that this is the case, although it may not be immediately obvious.
The fog is actually a very real and accurate description of what the WS's go through / are in. Yesterday I found that my WW was again contacting the OP via the mobile phone and asking for a meeting, so I am still being betrayed even though she swore to me 5mins earlier that they had not been in contact for over 5 weeks.
She is accusing me of all sorts of things as a result of my discovering her continued betrayals, even of mental abuse, I wonder what she thinks she is doing to me. Even after showing her the messages on her phone, she still tried to play it down and say it was just a hello message. She is now telling me that if I tell the OP's spouse that she will hate me, try to ruin me in court, etc. I keep having to ask myself why do I want her back?
As I said, I am not overly religous, but pray to God (or whomever you feel comforatable with) as there are times when you can see the lessons you are being taught and that you are not totally abandoned.
Take care and thanks.