I am so upset!
We just bought a trailer (for camping and mostly for a place for my H to stay in when he is working a couple of nights a week, cause he works an hour a way). He has been working alot lately, and he was gone for two nights and the kids really haven't seen him since saturday! He comes home yesterday (he got off work at 1:00 pm), does some errands for work, then goes to a friends house for a few beers. He doesn't come home until 6:00, kids are anxious to see him, he comes in for oh, maybe 10 minutes, tells my youngest he'll take her bike riding. I make dinner, he doesn't come in to eat with us, he goes out in the yard has a few beers, a friend phones and he tells him to come over, they have a few more drinks, its like bedtime now, my youngest doesn't get her bike ride or anything else, she asks him to come in and tuck her into bed. She asks him 3 times, 15 minutes later he still isn't in, i go run out and get something from the corner store and tell him to get in there and put his daughter to bed..she is wating for you!! I tell him 3 times and get mad and say GET IN THERE, i leave and come back and she is sitting there watching tv, she tells me dad came in and told me I could stay up. So I go put her to bed...late...read her a story, cuddle with her. Spend some time with my older daughter and put her to bed, then thats when my H decides to come in. Of course he's drunk, can't understand why I would be upset, over what?? I was just steamin!!! the one night he is home he makes promises to his daughter and breaks them, doesn't spend any quality time with us and can't understand why i am upset! He will be gone now till saturday, and then my youngest and I will be gone to camp and when we get back he'll be gone again sunday. He will maybe spend a couple hours with my oldest, says he can't be back for that (when I know if he really wanted to go he would be back for it, he makes his own hours!!).
I laid it on him, i told him that this is not what i want and I can't believe he would come home, get drunk and dissapoint his kids like this. I asked him when was the last time he took his daughters to the playground, for a walk..antyhing?? he couldn't answer. He tried to turn it all around on me somehow, but there was no way to get out of this argument! I'm so hurt and so angry!!! My god, if i was out of town working and i was only going to see my kids one night out of 5 well i would be spending all my time with them, i would be making sure to do something special with them. How can a parent think any different...i don't understand!!! He is sooo selfish (always has been) and i hate to think this is what my girls have to grow up with. I know i can't change him but i have realized that i can say something about it. I told him that if this continues, we will suffer, your family will suffer, and i'd rather you just stay at work if this is what we get when you come home.
I don't know if anybody has any advice, but i really needed to talk to someone, anyone. I need to vent, i need to know if i'm right here??? Should i just sit back now and leave it up to him? I don't want to have to tell him how to be a father....he should WANT to do that! I see so many fathers wanting to be with thier kids, making time for them and it just kills me for my kids to have this. I had a father that worked alot but when he came home it was QUALITY time, all his extra time was devoted to his family and thats what I want out of my marriage!!! Am i asking too much????

Hello, I am the boring back to basics guy. I discovered this site after reading one of Dr Harleys books. And ever since I read posts like yours of pain and panic that comes of not knowing there is a problem and not understanding, it let alone know how to fix it. So READ THE BOOKS! "Love Busters" teaches us about our bad habbits that destroy romantic love and how to eliminate them from our relationships. "His Needs Her Needs" teach us how to meet each others needs and to build up romantic love. I recomend you order the books (online here or amazon) and until they come in read "the basics" until they come in. There is lots of other good materiel here but get the books, read them (I recomend LB first), both of you.
But in addition to that you realy neeeed(!) to get to alanon. No joke, not later, dont wait till things get worse(and they will, sooner or later). They will guide you and your family through this. I should know, I am a recovering alcholic. Your letter, with startelingly little editing, could have been written by my wife a few years ago. The family went through too much before I got help. Act now, you have nothing to gain by waiting.
You may need counceling, but I have learned that change comes from within, councelors only guide us. There are times that we are in so much pain that we become irrational, guard against this, if you cannot then see the councelor for sure HNHN has info on how to select a councelor. With or without counceling, having read the books you will have wonderfull resources to work with.
Also while you are waiting for the books download the printer friendly versions of "Love Busters Survey" or is it questionaire? Any way and the printfriendly version of "emotional needs survey" and both of you fill them out. These will give you a clue to your problems.
If he doesn't want to read right away that is ok. Just go ahead and read them so at least you will understand what is going on. Once you understand the problem it will not hurt so much and you can deal with all persons involved better. The most beneficial thing to the whole deal in my mind will be that you will be able to teach your children what you learned and prevent them from replaying your lives in 10 years. If you dont believe me ponder this, where do we learn to be mates and parents if not by mimicking our parents?
Marriage is one place where ignorance is not bliss.
May God be with you all.

Thanks you for replying, i really needed to talk to someone, anyone! I know he has a drinking problem, i mean he will sit and drink by himself!Why I stay, I don't know! Its worse in the summer and I am just dreading it (he is off in the winter and works spring and summer).
There were so many times last summer when he did make the time for us and we went to the lake for the day,a family day, he would always pick up a case of beer, have drinks...by himself...and the kids and i would be there. By the end of the day he would have a good buzz on. I really laid in to him and for a while he really slowed down,but its back again. He is very defensive if i mention anything. I mean he has to have a problem if he drinks by himself. He has even taken a drink in the shower with him (as I write this I realize how pathetic it is). He can go stretches without having anything,so he thinks that he doesn't have a problem, but I believe he does. Even his 6 year old daughter has said to him,which i reminded him of last night, that your own daughter told you "you should stop drinking cofee and beer, its not good for you". God you would think this would sink in, but not at all. Its hard b/c his friends drink and i look like the bad guy when i'm givin him hell for havin a few beers with his friend.
I guess I just can't admit to the problem myself, I am afraid to take that step. What did your wife do to get you to see your drinking problem? What did she say?

I am not a typical case, I had dried up for months and years at a time. I would go back because of the pain of living with a wife that would not deal with some veeeery old emotional baggage. At times she outright hated me. Every time I would dry up and go to councleing she would lie, and deny until I gave up and went back to drinking. I have drank everything from 2 beers a day to 2 quarts of vodka a day. Have burned myself out on every kind of wiskey, wine, beer ect I could find. I am very tired of being a drunk.
As to what she said/did? Well she moved out. I love this woman beyond reason and was on the phone with her and she was telling me that she was finally tired of living with someone she hated. I pointed out all the good times and love we have shared ect. and she came out and said" I am just tired of living with a drunk". I found it very natural to say OK fine I dont drink anymore, This put the shoe on her foot and she had to come to grips with her deamons. We aint all the way finnished with her deamons but we have a lot of the ground work done.
The reason I recomend alanon is twofold. One I am familiar with several alcohol widows and kids that have gone through it and said it saved their lives. Another is the detailed advice from some of their members that I have read here. Being an alcoholic I recognised the value of what they were saying. All the good advice in the world aint worth the wind to speak it if no-one listens to it.
I am commited to marriage and will fight anyone tooth and nail that divorce should never be an option unless there is danger from a dangerus mate that will not get help. I told my wife that the only way she could get rid of me was to kill me.
I am very happy that you love your Husband enough to try to save the marriage instead of going the ever more popular divorce route. I beg you to read the books, they will teach you a lot and give you and your husband good reason , and tools to turn your marriage into much more than it has ever been.
Please keep posting and keep in touch
May God be with you and your family.<p>[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: dsimmons78025 ]</p>

I must agree with ds, you need to read the books and everything on this site ...I don't mean to judge or overstep my bounds here but I really felt a lot of Love Busting going on through your post. <p>You definitely need to work on these problems and this site can help you.