Hola Majoli!
Raising two special needs children is very challenging and a baby in between must be so overwhelming!!!
There is only 24 hrs in a day, yet the demands require 48 hrs to accomplish everything.
You have not had any space for yourself, to be human, a person, or your body, soul, mind to heal, and repair.
You have co-particaped in creating 3 miracles of life, which should be celebrated, cherished. People pray everyday for miracles to happen in their lives, and you just produced 3 wonderful, beautiful miracles and unfortunately no one to appreciate and nurture your miracles, gifts and treasures.
Look in the mirror and see the truth of your own beauty of the heart and soul. Look deep into those beautiful eyes God created in you, look at the beautiful heart filled and brimming with love ...
The disrepect and degradation,for human life which your stbx displays is most sad. His arrogance and proud spirit is not flattering, enriching but to be pitied. His vanity fools no-one but himself.
On top of it you have had to be a father figure of towering strength, support and encouragement to your wayward husband. Tolerate the unacceptable.
What a crushing overburden, to attempt to repair and do what your stbx father should have done for his own son and properly prepare him for his own journey of manhood to be a strong, good man. Not a disgrace as his maschimo acting out. Not sexy.
I had the same problem, of supporting my xh dreams, aspirations. Love does this naturally.
The sad thing it is when such efforts are not valued or appreciated, but taken for granted.
Machismo, does not make a man, nor does hollywood, or other foolish men. A man who can truly love, has a heart, develops the character and backbone from there. That's staying power.
A man who loves and cherishes his wife, becomes a good father. Everything naturally flows from there. But to leave a woman alone, neglect her with no attention, time, tenderness, kindness, protection is another tradegy and reveals his lack of intelligence and sensitivity.
I believe it is God's design for a man, otherwise everything from there is downhill spiral in life.While we instinstively grow in upward spiral for the better. Nature does this all the time.
Why should we made to feel ashamed and dirty of great splendor of life,love, partnering, security, marriage, pregnancy, children and family. This process is the natural rythum and pulse of life, which is real and has happened since the beginning of time almost.
Nothing new but NORMAL. Life always finds it's way, and that is life.
No matter what the modern jungle of civilzation says with it's backwards misplaced priorities and abnormalities.
Your situation triggers so many unpleasant memories for me of my own life. I read your posts and can understand. I remember what it feels like being so vulnerable, a young wife mother, so unsatisfied, unfilled and deeply frustrated being dragged down into pit and trapped.
Powerless-being pregnant, and having small children can limit the struggle for freedom, if a woman does not have a good man, family or support of a community.
I recall from your thread, you felt that the first affair resulted from not meeting his needs during your first pregancy?
I encourage you too, rethink again.
The truth I believe it is the other way around. Living and attending to a pregnant wife, is an honor not a horror, or burden but a privelege.
Real question here is was your stbx meeting your needs, doing what was honourable, doing all he could to make you feel like a real woman?
Think of all your neglected needs and lack of companionship, understanding, compassion, considerations???
He failed completely all of life's tests of the heart and sabotaged everything by being so ruthless, rude, cruel,careless, and neglient.
To be your protector, provider, lover, friend, companion, husband and father? If your stbx was doin what was right, honorable and just. He would reap all the blessings, strength, happiness and be basking in true self esteem.
No amount of illicit sex, booze and irresponibilty will produce a real man, though they think so, they look through a false mirror. All those body fluids too, end up in the sewage drain of ocean of life, the ocean does not show favortism, or cares, when a man cannot sustain his wife, children.
Truth is their foolishness produces a zero of a man. What a shame, what a waste of potential they cannot see this for themselves.
Therefore, your stbx, like my xh THEY ARE NOT SEXY,ADMIRABLE, OR RESPECTABLE, but a misery to themselves and others. Weak.
Cowards, pick on women and children.
A real man, with character finds joy, in his pregnant woman, as she radiates beauty, passion, joy, strength. Emboding everything that is truly hot and sexy, intimate, erotic, sensual!
Like the beauty of a rose in full blossom and it's powerful sweet deep fragrance.
The loving experince and deep bonding is true luxury and completeness of a man soul. A tradegy when a man tries to destroy his own soul, his woman, children, the legacy of his life, his future. There is something very seriously wrong.
In the end, what will these men have in their life to feel proud of? A score card, of how many women they have screwed is cheap and means nothing? So what and Big deal...
All the self help techiques, educational degrees, job accomplishment, can perpare a person somewhat for life but cannot produce good person or fruit!
The real answer to me is how a man can sastify his woman and children is everything. The quality and quanity is both important.
Think very, very carefully, of who you really were before you were married, a wife, mother???
Did he bring out the highest best in you? You have so much to give yet, to make someone yourself happy, your children, and others around you...
You have the best of him,and the goodness of his soul, your children, which will be with you forever.
Thank goodness, your children have your deep true marks of love, goodness, strength, courage in their blood for their future.
These are the traits, unfortunately, your stbx lacks in his soul and why he perhaps is so deeply jealous of you, envious and hurts you.
You can love and produce love and he cannot! Sorry to say, he is impotent in this department. A man who cannot ample satisfy his woman, is a sad head case.
These other women, well, what do they have with these men, but 10 minutes or less if that, of false security, mini illusions of love, and more heartbreak. They will have thier own nervous breakdowns from their own foolishness. The sex will go down in time, and get worse.
I really had to take good look at my life, and examine the quality of love, satisfying staying ability of my xh.
I realise he falls so terribly short in that department to and such a huge disappointment, more and more each day.
Although, he tried to brain wash me, break me down, wear me down, otherwise, constanly make me feel inferior, insult me, condemn me, make me feel abnormal like him.
And relive his troubled mother/father drama is not of my consent, not my fault or problem or life goals to repair-- I just wanted my xh to be healthy, normal, and fly with me and the children through life to journey to better places.
My own passionate romantic creative drive has always been much, much higher than my xh. That way God designed me. I am not ashamed and to have to suppress a special part of me, or deny, or appease a deeply insecure person, was the difficult part of marriage.
For some crazy reason that too, drove him insanely mad. So annoying that he had to continuely to copy me, and dulpicates the relations, to impress his low life women.
I have little inhibitions as I see sex as a great gift from God, to be enjoyed to the fullest unlimited heights, celebrated, in the sacredness in a marriage. Our children are the holy climax expression of love between God, man and woman.
This drove my xh crazy and big contention for him. I would down play myself as much as I could not to threaten him with all his irrational fears. Everyone has their limits.
In my frustration, with his prudishness, and twisted distored view of sex.
I would say to him a woman such as my self with a very healthy appetite for love, shouldn't have to apolise or waste my time on housework, his fighting, negavitivy, weaknessess, and his never ending consuming problems which he created for himself. No vision.
There were times, I was so frustrated. I would say if you were a real man, you would make sure that at least I had a house keeper to assist me and not overburden me or waste my time.
I perfer to make love than war. My xh all he knows is how to destroy, cause trouble, and make war, for himself, and us.
This unpleasant cycle just goes around and around like a washing machine that gets stuck. So annoying. Who wouldn't lose their patience eventually. We are just humans too.
Really if we were to think clearly on the subject. How intelligent, exciting, stimulating, amusing, romantic is that.
My xh consuming negativity has always been so anti-seductive and depressive!
His being so loaded down depression from all his wrongdoings, shame and guilt made for a very poor lover in out and out of bed. Then to insult me further for his gross wrongdoings is crazy. Well I think that's say it all. They are simply LOCO...
I am greatful that I have strong sense of self control, as I would have left him so long ago, like a bird in immediate take off, sensing danger of a predetor.
Men are beautiful, and magnificent creatures, when they are in their right role, doing right by their wives,children and society...
Sex in the marriage for me, exceeds the need than having three meals a day, I would express to my xh how about lovemaking at least 7 times a day. It's natural and normal. Why waste one's time on counterproductive activities.
Lovemaking is so beautiful, He would be furious, that I enjoyed sex and sensuality with him and had my own private world, and mind of my own.
I shake my head xh always felt unstrangely intimated by my freedom, creativity and sponantousness.
I would try everything to encourage him to relax, enjoy, leave your problems and behind live for the joy of the moment, excitement, passion and great thrills of loving& living.
Why I was so furious with him, to insult my womanhood, in trying to force me, dominate me, to constantly bagger me into be a boring wife, and dull life-like his own family, his struggle to shut the my values of love and life.
Foolish man.
What a nightmare to live with someone so damaged. Terrible for us to be injured constantly by these guys.
I think it is natural and human to want to compassionatly help someone get better, overcome their emotional trash. Especially, for those we love. Yes, I belive I did was correct.
However, because my xh is so insecure, and twisted he doesn't understand how life is supposed to flow. We all had to suffer.
My son too, is ADHD and my daughter is add.
I have redefined add- Lack of Attention, depression and despair for children growing up in a household where the parent refuses to love, nuture, and protect.
Of course babies, small children can feel everything. They respond to the climate environment of love,goodness, peace, calm and safety.
They have no filters, yet can feel the tension, hostility, the darkness emotions and intentions of parent, who is not healthy.
Who wouldn't cry,scream, be upset, dispair when our children express our deepest emotions of the heart pain, when we are oppressed, forced to silence our voice for a better life.
It is difficult to explain such a loss to little ones. What do we tell them? We can not fool them, or cover it up. Children know who really loves them by the commitment and devotion.
What do we say to our children-the simple truth.
Daddy is broken, damaged, dented like a soup can full of holes. And sadly cannot love. We did not break daddy, he was broken a long time ago, and he chooses not to fix himself. We must pray for him to turn to God as only He and God can fix himself.
In a normal healthy loving family-add becomes a special gift in having an ability to pay Attention to details and dreams.
So the demands, and special needs of our children go beyond normal parenting limits. We are gifted and blessed for raising them, they teach us so much was is important and real.
Now that my children grown they are the best teachers I have ever had, they taught me the meaning and joy of life.
Even though they are grown. My xh has done so much harm to them. They know very well that I would never personally subject them to a life of misery, boringiness, rejection, abandonment, darkness, poverty of an empty soul.
Sad to say a man drowing in the depression of the sea of life will unfortuantely try to grab who ever they can, even if is their own children.
My children know that I love to fill their lives with a passionate life filled with God blessings, to enjoy the opportunities of sunshine, love, pleasure, joy, wonder, dreams, happiness, adventure and opportunities.
It was sad that my xh felt so jealous and threathened by the joy and happiness of our children that he tried everything to make them afraid, miserable like himself.
I too, have been seperated for two years, and wanted my xh to simply divorce me. But he couldn't even get the paper work started. False pride- Machismo in him was to dominate and oppress and crush us further to make us feel worthless, like himself and the women he used,abused. Worthlessness, is sady the name of the game.
I too, had to help with this, but worked everything in such a way, to appeal to his "Machismo" and gave him the honors to divorce me. Since he has such a hard heart. Finish what he started.
It doesn't work when one wants to build a beautiful loving caring marriage/family culture and the other party wants to destroy beauty, love because they are so selfish, self centered and empty.
There are so many beautiful, good people in this world. I hope you are in position to find them to surround you and your children with, like a fortress with high walls. Bad people not allowed in.
Your stbx actions are not amusing, admirable or respectable. You are a beautiful courageous woman, person , mother, though tired, exhausted, broken hearted, and used. But you will be free once more again...He is the one losing and had his chances.
You tried to build and create harmony &love and he chooses to tear down and create anarchy. Viva!!! Both cannot co- exist at the same time, especially under the same roof. Our role is to keep calm, clear minded, be realistic, be civil.
Difficult assignment but we will be able to do it. Time to turn the tables around and be good to yourself, children.
Many blessing, prayers, and hugs!!
