This legal manuvering sucks! WE were suppoosed to go to mediation today, but my WW's L had it cancelled it w/o our permission. We now have to get a hearing to have it rescheduled. My W wants to have a private mediation session that would limit any discussion of the OM. Sneaky.

I still will send this D to trial based on the following points:

1. There are alternitives to D that can give her what she says she wants-happiness and romance (i.e. Marriage Builders!)

2. I can't negotiate custody while the OM is house shopping w/o the courts knowledge. If they are going to live together and she wants sole custody, this man needs to be evaluated for fitness.

Steve Harley approved this approach b/c it a) gets at the notion that she can't be happy w/ me and b) exposes the OM and makes him apart of a public trial. Projection? OM will choke and bolt, W will lose ground in negotiations and her Plan A'ing H may have that very small window to offer a way out (reconcile).

Steve and my L say it HAS worked. It takes time and po's the WW but something always gives when such pressure (and love ) is applied.

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

dleightonc

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds to me that you are being manipulative.

I have found myself thinking of manipulating strategies to trick my STBX into changing her mind.

After thinking about it, I realized that I don't want her to change her mind because I got her to. I don't want her to decide that I am best for her because I manipulated the situation for her to believe so.

It's been a long time for me already but I will probably be in plan A with her for much longer. If she ever changes her mind and decides to be with me, I want it to be because of who I am and not because I tricked her into it.

I may be off the wall of my interpretation of your post, but this is what I see.

WIWH

Actually, the affair needs to be exposed--the earlier the better--if OM is afraid of it coming to light--He will end the affair--

And he's right, he can't negotiate Child Custody while OM is making nice and house hunting with her--
the sooner the OM is out of the picture--the sooner she will see him for who he is--

No, she may not come back to the marriage--but there is a better chance that she will--if OM is out of the picture--

WishIWerehome--How long have you been in Plan A??
there are different time limits on it for men and women--because at some point--they have to face the consequences of their choices--and the longer you plan A--the more you get sucked into the drama and pain--read FaithHopeLove's posts on the EN board--read some of Cerri's posts about Plan A and Plan B--in many cases it goes against what 'we feel' is the right way to do things--

TR

I agree with you 100%. I understand that having OM out of the picture is the best.

I agree that A must be exposed if it hasn't been already.

My point is that dleightonc sounds more like he wants to discredit OM and run him off than prove that dleightonc is the better choice.

I don't have an A in my seperation so I can't speak from experience, but I would rather W came back to me because of me rather than giving OM a reason to "Choke and Bolt" so I could offer W "A way out"

As for being in plan A for a long time. I have been in plan A for 8 months or so. But I don't feel that that makes a difference. I don't plan on changing the way I treat my STBX, D or not. (plan A is a hard habit to break)

She still deserves the treatment that plan A has taught me to treat her. MB calls it plan A but plan A is realy just treating someone the way they should be treated.

So I guess I have my own interpretation of plan A.

WIWH

WishIWereHome:

I appreciate your observations. I really would LOVE to be dealing with this another way, but I've been told by the Harleys, my therapist, my pastor and my lawyer that reconcilition is impossible as long as the A is active. My children are in the balance here as well. OM has told my W 'this is war' and has instructed her to take me for everything. This man is directly attacking me and my family. They are even considering OM moving in to our home 'once the bedroom becomes unocccupied' (her words) He has called me, threatened me and is manipulating my W to the point that she has no friends (they're against her, he says), is in financial disarray (start a business NOW), and she's prepared to gut me ('he's psychotic')

While I was hospitalized for depression, she flew up to be with HIM, leaving our kids with unsuspecting friends. How can I NOT address this man's influence on my family? He's broken federal law to shag my wife, and threatened her in order to force her off the fence toward divorce.

I will not act in vengence, but I will do everything in my power to keep this invader from my children. If this exposure influences my wife's return, great. If she runs with him, fine. But my boys stay. That's my commitment. I'll be here if she wakes up, but OM doesn't get to destroy my life.

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 01:31 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>