Is the fog the WS's or BS's false sense of reality?

What if us BS's are realy the ones in the fog <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

The BS is in a fog that things may be difficult at home but "we're working on it."

That fog is shattered with exposure of an A.

The WS is in a fog that the positive feelings that come of being with the A partner cannot be had with the spouse.

Two people can work together to meet each other's emotional needs. The WS has given up on that idea, thinks they married the wrong person and for whatever reason isn't willing to jump from one marriage partner to another, and so indulges in an affair where no one gets hurt because no one will know.

The WS who chooses the spouse may decide to work on rebuilding the love that was probably there on the wedding day. The WS who chooses the affair partner may end up in a difficult marriage because the same problems crop up in the new marriage -- and then along comes a more charming partner. Dang! Made the wrong choice again! And so on to the next affair partner, the next marriage partner...

Cherished

You know, WIWH, in real life I think you may have a point there. All too often, us BS's have this false fog that our marriages are okay and we have the families we think we have...when in fact, it is all an illusion.

I'm not discouraging marriage or commitment, but rather, I'm recognizing the fact that part of the reason I think we BS's are hurt so much and so deeply when our WS's wander is because we are living in our illusion-fog. It's sort of a kind of denial "yes, all our friends are having affairs, but it won't happen to us" "yes, we barely speak to each other, but we have a commitment" "yes, our spouse is abusive but we love them" "yes, I don't meet any of his/her EN's but they won't leave me".

I think it IS a fog...a different kind of fog, but a fog nonetheless. BSFog.


CJ

No WAY.

Most BS's are not in a fog IMO.Just because we are living our lives as best we can and one day wake up to the fact that our WS has had an A doesn't mean we weren't coherent or aware.That's like blaming the BS for not seeing any "signs".It is 100% the fault of the WS that they CHOOSE to have an A,plain and simple.No matter what I did or didn't do beforehand,making the choice to have an A is NEVER the answer.

Some couples do take the time to talk to their spouses about what is bothering them and some spouses don't take it seriously.I think Melody Lane gave herself as an example on the GQII board when this came up before.

BUT,if no one is telling me that there is a problem in my marriage(I.E MY HUSBAND) then of course I am going to think everything is ok.GRRRRR.

O

I have heard of the fog compared to many things. It may be all of these things...An addiction, a hormonal problem, a neurotransmitter thing, a state of delusion...

Basically it's a catch-all phrase to define behavior of a person who suddenly stops living and acting like they did the day before and begins a secret, second life...with the central focus of the secret second life being an unknown or mostly invisible other person who is not the father of their kids, the mother of their kids, or their husband or wife. Suddenly the things that made life good aren't good anymore. You could have all material possessions, a great spouse, and a contented life but something snaps...JUST SNAPS...and then they decide that they need more outta life and MORE comes in the form of somebody different. Somebody unusual. Life is shaken up and stirred with the arrival of this new person. The hormonal "in love" feeling is generated everytime this new person is near thus confusing the former family man or mom that this person is "something special" and "different" and their "soulmate".

My .02? That "feeling" is simply a hormonal response that happens in the early stages of a relationship. After years of marriage, even in a good marriage, that hormone wanes...and it's normal. But when this "feeling" is triggered again...how the person responds to it is key. Honestly, I think most married people will feel that "feeling" during some part of their marriage but the decision to ACT on it is critical.

Once it's acted on, then the physical response becomes more of imho, an addiction then. It overrides normal patterns of behavior and thinking at that point. A person is literally led around by their nether region if you get my drift.

And if they marry the object of their lust after divorcing their old spouses, one day that "in love" feeling will subside again...and what happens when that "feeling" strikes a third time? The ability to control one's behaviors is key to surviving adultery. Some people have better self control than others and others simply believe in their committments being binding. Others feel "entitled" to be happy and act on their desires only setting in play a sad chain of events that may repeat in a cycle over and over again in their lives...Why are the stats ever increasing in percentage of divorce after subsequent marriages? Because of this.

Faithfull new but on fire CJ,

I see you understand exactly what I mean. Just like cherished said. We're in a fog thinking that everything is ok.

Octobergirl, Not all WS have A. Some just feel that M is not for them. Justpeachy has given a great def of what "The Fog" represents but here is a scenario for you all.

I won't use any person specifically but say A WS decides that she just does not want to live with or be married to H anymore. She has all kinds of reasons. Reason A B and C as well as situation X Y and Z. No abuse, no A.

WS happens to be a MB'er but if H was the MB'er, WS would be considered "In The Fog"

If you knew WS, you understand that she isn't in the fog, but if you knew H you would agree that she is.

I've always seen STBX as being in the fog but would she be if she were the MB'er and not me?

Perhaps she just got tired of me being in BSFog <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

WIWH

WIWH,

I think it is really important to acknowlege and say out loud that WS's do make the decision to have the A, and that they are responsible for their decisions to proceed.

However, I also think that in order to grow and proceed the BS's have to accept that there is a form of BSFog. I called mine "the Illusion" because I was living in an illusion of having a happy family and an okay marriage. I saw our friends having affairs and divorcing, but I thought it would never happen to us. I ignored the abuse and the damage it was doing to me and the kids. We weren't talking to each other or sitting together anymore, and in fact he didn't respond to advances anymore--but we were meant to be together forever.

It was definitely a form of "the Illusion." And actually, that was what hurt the worst for me to give up when I realized our marriage was going to end...I lived in an illusion so long that in order to give it up, I had to give up my whole perception of my life!

There ARE WS's who post here on MB who's spouses have left them because of the A, and they receive the same respect that a BS would get. People rarely say that a BS is in the fog--usually that term is reserved for the way that a WS talks to their spouse when they are under the addictive influence of the A. "Fog-talk" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


CJ