Do/can you celebrate the kids birthdays with the other parent? I've read that this is a good idea to show the kids that their parents can cooperate. I know some divorced families meet regularly for dinners.
Does anyone jointly celebrate the children's birthdays?
X refuses to do this after I suggested meeting at a TGIFriday's to celebrate both of their birthdays next month. This would just be the 4 of us.

Newly,

Is this something your child wants? if not don't push it--

He's most likely against it because Ms. CC can't be there--

I don't do the co-parent birthday's--mostly because he doesn't live near here--and also because the kids wouldn't like it--

they actually like having two birthday celebrations--

My kids haven't specifically asked for this, but they have asked why we can't do things together. Like, "mom can you and dad sit together at the ballet recital?"
My X didn't think kids should have birthday parties anyway.
My kids have about 2-3 parties each just on my side, but I wanted to do this for them. To show them that their parents could cooperate. I do think it's important to show them.

The kids asked if I could meet them in Virginia Beach when they are with Dad on vacation. There's no way he'd go for that - nor would I want that.

STBX and I still do everything for the kids together that we can. Birthdays, outings, just about anything that would normally be a family thing.

We even do things together with her family at times. She just doesn't have the guts to do anything with my family. I don't know if it's guilt or what, but she avoids them as best she can. She thinks they all hate her now.

I agree that it is important for the kids to see that their parents can get along but if it's not gonna happen, try not to make a big deal of it.

WIWH

Hey, newly!

I'm not sure if you remember my whole story, but let's see...exH had 13+ affairs and was/is a sexual addict; he has borderline personality disorder and is bipolar rapid cycling; he was and still is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. Remember me?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Anyway, we have been divorced for a little over a year now, separated for two and a half years, and we do occasionally celebrate some things together. Sadly, in his life he has driven away almost everyone who loved him and cared for him, so he has his OW but they are very shallow, surface relationships. Thus, when a holiday or birthday comes around, I usually have about 1,000 of my closest friends over for a potluck Thanksgiving...or a pajama party New Years Eve...or week-long Hanukkah celebration along with "creat-a-tradition"--and he is usually alone. His family doesn't talk to him much--he drove me away--and he has alienated his children to some degree by abandoning them over and over!

Thus, on some holidays the kids kind of ask if dad can join in. On Mother's Day, the exH made a brunch and invited me, his mom, his sister, and his SIL to join the kids and do a mom-thing. Okay--it was ALL the outlaws, but I went anyway and they were cordial to me (not warm, but civil). On Father's Day the kids spent the day with their dad and ended the day by taking everyone (me, him, and them) to the movies. On Thanksgiving, the kids invited him to come to my potluck and he blended with my friends who (I'm proud to say) treated him with some respect because he's my kids' dad.

Specifically on the kid's birthday, my exH rarely if ever even remembers their birthdays are coming up, and he doesn't plan anything. Thus, my kids (17yo and almost 15yo) tell me what they would like to plan, we get things together, I buy cake and ice cream and presents, and they usually invite their dad to join in what we have planned to do. At the last second, he'll go buy them a present. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It's sad, but I agree with you...it's important for kids to see that parents can cooperate FOR THEIR SAKE. I hold my exH no malice but I don't like him too much for the ways he treated/treats us--yet for my kids' sake, I do make the effort to at least treat him cordially. I want them to feel like they're comfortable having a mom and a dad in their life, sharing their life with them.


CJ

Hi folks,
I am currently living in an on property seperation. It has been my view that for the sake of stability that we still share family things. As long as we are both still living here I don't see the harm of being civil and sharing a meal together etc. My stbxw's opinion is that it gives the children a false sense of hope that we are getting back together again just because we do some things together.

In my very humble and honest opinion I have never seen where the spirit of cooperation and sharing is a bad thing for anyone.

I believe it is a feeling of guilt that keeps these people from sharing even the smallest things with those they have harmed and wronged.

Of course if while your together there is so much tension and discourse as to create an atmosphere that is uncomfortable for everyone then I would agree that until certain behaviors are learned and understood you might as well stay away from one another. Besides it's pretty tough to enjoy anything when your stomach is tied up in knots.

Peace,

David A

I don't bother to invite him to birthday things.

See, when children were 4 and 2, he left. He was not nice to me. It was too stressful for me to be around him. He doesn't believe in getting mad, he believes in getting even. So, he left so he could ask one of his co-workers out and, when she married someone else without ever going out with him, he got even uglier to me.

I have no desire to see him.

Therefore, I don't sit with him. I don't invite him to birthdays.

I did invite him once or twice when the children specifically requested him. But, as an ADD adult, I realize that I am subject to becoming overly stressed by keeping everything together and that stress makes it hard for me to keep anything together. So, I did say he could come to a party for a few minutes but, as it would be so stressful for me, a few minutes was all I could stand.

As for go out to dinner to celebrate a birthday, I don't have a lot of interest. We just do our separate things.

newly,

--but they have asked why we can't do things together. Like, "mom can you and dad sit together at the ballet recital?"--

TR--So be honest with them about it--

Would you really want to sit next to his new wife for an hour or two??

--The kids asked if I could meet them in Virginia Beach when they are with Dad on vacation. There's no way he'd go for that - nor would I want that. --

TR--Again be honest with them about it--that you have no desire to spend your vacation with this man and his new wife--as it reminds you of what you used to have--and is no more--

Thanks everyone.
He hasn't remarried, just has a 'friend' now who the children see. I guess it's OK with the gay roommate.

X is one of these people who knows what's best without actually looking at the research or facts of anything.

I wish he could cooperate for the sake of the kids. He left me. Yet It seems he harbors so much anger that he can't stop being angry with me.
I don't understand it and never will. I just wish he would make it easier for the kids.

We start a new counselor tonight, and rainbows starts in September - yeah!

And I had a wonderful day out on Saturday with friends and Greengables joined us too.

Hi newly-

During the separation we celebrated things, but the OW moved in a couple of months after the divorce and quickly established a new set of rules which pretty much ended this. Then there was my youngest daughter's baptism which they skipped because he said that two weeks wasn't enough notice for him to get off work (not true, but it was used in an attempt to make me look bad). His whole family was here though so it backfired and they looked like idiots.

My kids don't seem to mind that we don't do things together. It was weird at first, but now they seem to like the extra celebrating.

On the other hand, we do go to games, performances, etc. and often end up sitting near eachother due to the kids. I just put on my happy face and get through it for their sakes. Truthfully it no longer bothers me to see them together, I simply do not like them or trust them so I don't like the close contact.

Well, that's just my two cents.

Take care and God bless!
K