My husband and I recently decided to separate for a year. At the end of said year, if we're still not sure about things, we'll get a divorce. We tried to work things out for about a year living together and the current separation is a "last ditch attempt to work things out. While I would love to say "as long as there is hope", that's really not fair to either of us and we don't want to drag things out forever.

While I knew there were problems, I've always been of the mind that they can be worked out. We get along great and are good friends, but we each have our own things we have to work on and then things we have to work on together. He is the one who has initiated all of this. He is on the fence of whether he even WANTS to try and work things out. We do love each other, but sometimes that is not enough. I think he is trying to work out whether he loves me as a friend or as a wife,and whether or not the whole marriage-lifestyle is what he wants right now.

We are living separately...very far apart. Our agreement is to talk once a week on phone and see each other every other month (again, we live pretty far apart). We IM frequently because it's fun and light-hearted. I never feel the need to get "serious" in IM's--that's reserved for phone. So it's nice to have some neutral, "remember how much fun we can have" chats. We have also agreed that dating others is permitted during this time.

I am very grateful that we get along because even if our relationship ends in divorce, I still want this person in my life as a friend (once the wounds have healed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). I like him, admire and respect him. He's really a terrific person. I believe the feeling is mutual.

He has admitted that he thinks our chances of staying married are pretty small. It's hard, but I accept that. I do not have any *expectations*, but I do have hope that we will remain together, albeit not a whole lot.

I'm not writing this just in order to hear "yeah, of course it can work out" or "no, you're dreaming.". There are very few resources available concerning separation (rather than divorce). What I'd like to see here is if there's anyone who's decided to separate and if you ended up staying married to your spouse in the end. Are you glad for that decision? Has your relationship changed for the better or is it pretty much the same as it was before the separation?

Thanks for reading and any responses.

PS I understand that it might be difficult to get what I'm looking for. It seems that many here are already in the divorce phase. But if there's still people trying to work it out, and feel they're on the right path, I'd love to hear from you!

Maddy, I don't have a success story to relate...I'm sorry. But your post made me cry...it's so touching. My stbxh and I have been separated for 5 months now and it appears that there is no hope for us. However, we separated because he is verbally and emotionally abusive and immature.

I don't know that I think dating others is a good idea if you are trying to work things out. Bringing someone into the mix is usually problematic. But maybe every one else will pale next to your so for both of you.

Good luck...I pray that every thing works out and you are happy.

maddyk:

I'm so sorry to read about your situation. However, I'm also confused by trying to understand your situation........

What has led to this mutual separation? Why are you living very far apart? Is there infidelity (now or in the past) figuring in to this latest decision? This "separation" idea seems strange to me, without some catalyst. Do you care to elaborate?

The reason I am asking is b/c if there has been (or is now) infidelity, I believe my answer to you would be totally different than if not. In fact, without either of you engaging in an A, I'm not sure I would know WHAT to say about your mutual decision to separate.

If infidelity has been injected into your M, I believe that yes, separation can be a good thing (ultimately) for your M, and can lead to future reconciliation. However, following Harley's "methods" strictly is required. Without knowing where you are along this spectrum, as far as fidelity/infidelity is involved, I think it would impossible to give you a difinitive answer to your ??

Sorry to sound so cryptic.

We are here to help. Maybe someone else will have a better answer for you than I seem to.

And God Bless your quest for answers.

***What has led to this mutual separation?
--If I only knew all the answers to that! I wasn't real clear, I guess. I am NOT happy about the separation and possibility of divorce. He had actually asked me for a divorce. I explained to him the reasons why a separation might be better for us. We talked about it over a few days and decided that was a little too terminal at the time (this is very recent, I only left about a month ago). As for the obvious reasons? He's not sure that he loves me as one should love a wife. I've changed a lot since we got married--not for the better (and this is definitely true. I don't have a problem accepting responsibility when I know I have some, we have some issues between him and my son (from my first marriage).

***Why are you living very far apart?
--He is in the military and is in another country. This country was NOT conducive to me making the positive changes that I need to make--the things that were making *me* unhappy that were in turn making the atmosphere of our home not happy. We were not scheduled to leave this place for another two years or so. In the beginning I thought we needed the space apart to get things into perspective for everyone (not that I wanted the separation, but that in light of the separation it was the best thing to do). I am not sure that was actually the best decision, but at this point there's not any way for us to change it.

**Is there infidelity (now or in the past) figuring in to this latest decision?
--There was infidelity on his part about a year ago. He had been unhappy for sometime but never told me. He had to go to a school where the infidelity occured. I learned of it as soon as he came home (not by volunteered information, but believe it or not, because he kissed me differently!). I want to say that the infidelity did not influence our current separation but I'm not actually sure that's true. He had been unhappy before the infidelity. I think the infidelity gave him some validation for his unhappiness, if that makes sense..at least it was validation for him so in that respect I think it did influence the current separation.

As far as plan A/Plan B go. The affair was over before the school he was at was over. It was over before I found out about it. He has to have some professional contact with her, but it's not ever face-to-face (email, maybe phone). I do not believe the contact has any personal overtones but I have no incontrovertible proof of that.

You are not being cryptic at all and I truly value and appreciate the input. I'd be happy to explain in more detail some of the changes that have made our marriage difficult if you'd like, but didn't want this current response to get too long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

semi-update.

I asked my husband to answer the questions from a book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Basically the book is designed to help people who are unsure of whether or not they want to remain in their current relationships. His answers to the questions reflected that he would probably be happier if he stayed in the relationship. Of course things are never that easy because we KNOW we have problems and we KNOW that some of them we MIGHT not be able to work through. So not wanting to be unrealistic or hurt, I translated that instead to "it would be worth his effort to actively work on the relationship". By active I mean that at first we were just kind of going to see what it was like being apart and then once we got our own lives together we would start working on our lives together.

We talked about it tonight and he said he is willing to actively work on our relationship at the same time that we work on our own problems. This is a great relief to me. His big question is whether or not he loves me as a wife. We had both thought that this was something that had to be decided outside the context of our marriage. After reading more in this site, I see how that it is a question that can ONLY be answered within the context of our marriage..so i am very happy that he is willing to work on things now.

This doesn't solve our problems, of course! But it gives me much hope that he knows that he is at least willing to work on things--that it is important enough and worth the effort.

maddyk:

Thanks for answering my ???. Lots of good info there. It gave me a better picture of where you are.

I believe the previous A business has definitely figured in to his decision that your difficulties are insurmountable.

The good news is that this is by far the BEST place to find help in repairing a broken/bruised M, whether b/c of an A or not!

OK, having said that, now it's time to get to work......first of all, is it possible for you to get some counseling? This site has counseling available w/the Harleys. Just click on the links above to find your way there. If there is any way you could afford to do just a couple of sessions, I KNOW Steve Harley or his sister Jennifer could give you a good "plan of action" to help you understand how to proceed.

Barring that, if cost is an issue, you could continue reading, posting and learning from here. There's a wealth of information here to help you navigate through what you've already lived through, and it can help you sort it all out in your mind and emotions. Having survived one infidelity already, I have to ask.....are you sure it has ended? Is it possible he's still in contact with that OP (other person), or maybe another one? SInce he's so far away from you, that is always a possibility. If so, your plan of action could be hampered from having the desired effects.

If you are unable to ascertain that, a good Plan A is still your best starting place. Plan A is all about YOU. It's about bettering yourself, about fixing what was wrong within YOU affecting your M. The ideas are flowing through my brain fast and furious. I hope this is making some sense.

Let's take this step by step:
Number 1: You can begin to fix YOU.
Number 2: You can begin to meet his EN's which weren't being met in the M.
Number 3: You can learn how to strengthen your M, through communicating better.
Number 4: Because of the first 3 steps, usually the Withdrawn S will begin to see that there might be a possibility of recovery to intimacy, and turn back toward the M, and work WITH the S! It sounds like he's willing to make that first baby step. That is good news.

Doesn't this sound good? GREAT!! Then get busy, girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Start reading the Concepts, start meeting his EN's (as much as you know what they are). If he is willing to take the EN??, all the better. If not, then try to figure out from what you know about him, or what you can tell from what he says to you, what his EN's probably are.....then DO what you know to do to meet them as much as you can from a distance! Letters, cards, phone calls, etc. I did a long-distance Plan A, and now that H has returned from the alien planet, he tells me it DID make an impact on him!! (I was shocked). He tells me he DID keep all the correspondence, the cards, and he appreciated all I was reaching out and saying to him.

That was an eye-opener. I honestly didn't know if any of my efforts were going to be worth it. But everyone wants their needs met, and any little way you can meet them (coupled with the fact that there IS love b/t you), is enough to make the WS think about the possibility of a future back together with you!

Keep working at it, keep posting. I think you have a good chance of "fixing" your broken M!! Good luck.

and God Bless,

lupolady, thank you so much for your response! It is good to know that long-distance is not impossible!

At the moment counseling is not possible as he is in Puerto Rico and I am in Florida. We have not ever considered telephone counseling but I'll read up on that. He has said that he does not think that counseling will help us. But neither has he said that we would refuse it. He'll be coming to visit me in two weeks and I'll consider bringing the topic up (before then), but I'm not sure that he'll agree to it at this time.

I actually think he will definitely do the emotional needs thing, the love busters, etc. Whether he will act on them and allow me to act on them is something I can't say for sure, but I think he will. But he'll definitely fill out the forms.

As far as the affair goes, I agfee with you. I think it was a result of our unhappy marriage but I too think it makes him see our problems as insurmountable. I know for 95% positive that the PA is over (for over a year now), but I'm also certain that he has had contact with her. And while I have no indiciation of this, I think that he has probably reinitiated more serious contact with her since I left. He does not admit to that at this time and I have no way to prove/disprove it and I do not believe that he is willing to prove/disprove it to me right now.

If you have a moment, could you run to the Plan A/Plan B forum and read my post there? It might give a more accurate picture of things and it asks for input on how to implement Plan A/Plan B in our situation.

Thanks a bunch!

PS Sometimes it's hard to be completely honest, even to strangers...the other post might give more information..I dunno <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />