Blonde Inventions


1. The waterproof towel
2. Solar-powered flashlight
3. A submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dartboard
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheelchair
10. The waterproof tea bag

The Tomato Company
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you
virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling
25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to
buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can
keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people,
all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.
The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and Jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and
has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!", snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story..................

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being
A janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it also.

First time I ever heard the idea of a solar powered flashlight was from an Italian Man, not a blonde.

What do you call 12 catholic priests????


Michael Jackson's Ideal Jury <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I might add one or two.

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A
young student nurse comes in to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young student replies, "I don't know I'm only here to wash
your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask,"Nurse are my testicles black?"

Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and
says,"There is nothing wrong with them."

Finally the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
"That is very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

A woman got a job in a toy manufacturing plant. She was on the quality control team and told to inspect all the Elmo dolls as they came down the assembly line on their way to packaging.

The supervisor noticed that she appeared to be very busy but that the line was backing up at her station. He went over to get see what the problem might be.

He saw that she was busy sewing something onto the Elmo dolls.

He took a closer look at her handiwork and stammered, "No! No! No! You were to give them two test tickles! Not two testicles!"

I needed to be on the light side of things tonight. So thanks for starting this thread.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 AM, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible
conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh ****.", cuckooed four more times, cleared
it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Subject: Curtain rods
> > >
> > >
> > > She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
> > > crates and suitcases.
> > > On the second day, she had the movers come and
> > > collect her things.
> > >
> > > On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
> > > beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft
> > > background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of
> > > caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
> > >
> > > When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
> > > deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar,
> > > into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the
> > > kitchen and left.
> > >
> > > When the husband returned with his new girlfriend,
> > > all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house
> > > began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and
> > > airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and
> > > carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung
> > > everywhere.
> > >
> > > Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during
> > > which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they
> > > even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
> > >
> > > Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...
> > > Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...
> > > Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided
> > > to move.
> > >
> > > A month later, even though they had cut their price
> > > in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
> > > Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused
> > > to return their calls.
> > >
> > > Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money
> > > from the bank to purchase a new place.
> > >
> > > The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things
> > > were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She
> > > listened politely, and said that she missed her old home
> > > terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement
> > > in exchange for getting the house back...
> > >
> > > Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell
> > > was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of
> > > what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign
> > > the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his
> > > lawyers delivered the paperwork.
> > >
> > > A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as
> > > they watched the moving company pack everything to take to
> > > their new home...
> > > ...including the curtain rods.
> > >
> > >
> > > I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU

Heres some thoughts from some celebs and a few anons.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard

My wife and I were happy for twenty years - then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- Robin Williams

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we are making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."
- Joan Rivers

Sex drive: a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
- Robert Byrne

A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.
- Duane Dewel

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
- Woody Allen

was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
- George Burns

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
- Don Quinn

I know nothing about sex because I was always married.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
- Les Dawson

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
- Irwin Corey

Wife-swapping is never done in the best circles of society. Wives can rarely, if ever, be traded for anything useful like a set of golf clubs.
- P.J. O'Rourke

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees with me

A woman has the last word in any argument in a marriage. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

Sure, he wears the pants in his family but his wife tells him which pair.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a *****

Can someone tell me where on my marriage license I can find the expiration date?

LIP

I can never remember the punch line on jokes so wasn't going to post here but my MD sent this to me this morning and as there are so many ladies here I thought that it would be appreciated!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large,
raging, violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please
give me the strength to cross the river." .
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river."
Pouf! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
this river."
Pouf! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
Undred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH

AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

So guys please don't take offense!!! We love you!!
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />