Hi everyone. I have a weird situation I'd appreciate some input on.

The other day my son was picked up by a friend's stepmom to go on an outing. The stepmom is actually the wife of a friend of my XH (they are co-workers). I have met her before, but it has been a few years. Anyway, as she picks him up she reintroduces herself and makes small talk. She returns him a few hours later and goes on to tell me how the kids really get along great and we should get them together more often. She goes on to say that just because her husband is friends with my XH that it is no reason that we can't get the kids together. I tell her I'll keep that in mind. Then she says, "By the way, I know what you and XH are currently going through and I want you to know that I am on your side." I play kind of dumb and simply thank her for the support adding that I am doing my best to do things in my kids' best interest. She says she understands and to stand firm. The whole conversation was so out of the blue and brief that it left me a bit rattled.

Fast forward a few days to today and we run into them on an outing. We start making small talk and the kids start talking about getting together. They then go off to play together. She looks at me and says that we really should get them together. She also says, "You know I meant what I said the other day. My husband is friends with your XH, and so I have to keep my opinions to myself for the most part, but I think what he is doing is unfair and wrong. In fact both my husband and I do. She said that she has been through a custody fight and that it was the worst thing she has ever gone through. She said that my XH and his OW wife have talked to them about it and they have told them their feelings and have talked about how well the kids are doing and asked their reasons for disrupting them. She said my XH told them his lawyer says he has a case and they told my XH to drop it because with his record compared to mine his lawyer is out to take his money irregardless of the outcome. I told her that it is very hard and I really want to do what is best for the kids. I told her this is a very difficult time and I thanked her for the support.

So am I paranoid or is this weird? I know she is not a close friend of my XH or his new wife, but I hardly know her either. Having been through this herself is she genuine or is she on a fishing mission? I want to believe the best of her, but right now I have my guard up so high that I find it hard to trust anyone I don't really know, especially under these circumstances.

Input? Suggestions?

Thanks!

Take care and God bless!
K

Can't say, but as a mom, she can probably see the better parent.

Hi newly. I am hoping that you are right. It is a bit strange though isn't it? This lady did say that when she watches the OW with the kids that she can tell she cares for them and is attached to them, but she just isn't me and nobody ever will be and that the OW doesn't get that. She also said the OW is overly confident in her parenting abilities and operates on the principle that she knows everything and does everything better than me.

Take care and God bless!
K

Interesting additional information. Perhaps it isn't your X who is fighting for more custody but the OW wants it to prove she is a better mother/person than you. Hmmmm.
She "won" the X, but now wants your life?
Then there's also the fact that the new person sees only the best in their choice, so of course they'd believe that their choice is the better parent. This is the rose colored glasses view.
And her comments to him, may be giving him the confidence he needs to fight you.
Just some thoughts.

I do agree with her comments in your first post. A custody fight is perhaps one of the worst things that can happen in our lives. And we have survived.

SR:

Get your guard back up! This is a custody issue and XH is probably sending a spy into your camp to get the goods. Don't take any chances and under no circumstances say anything to her. If after the battle is over and he persists in her attempts at friendship, then you might reconsider, but for now question everything and trust no one.

newly-

I wholeheartedly agree that the OW is pushing the XH into a lot of this. None of this was even an issue until she moved in and got involved. I still believe that this is primarily motivated by money on both of their parts, but insecurity on both of their parts is also a motivator as they are both out to prove to the world how right they are together and how capable they are as parents.

Harry- I totally see where you are coming from. I think I have to be protective of myself. My XH has nothing on me, and he knows it. He is grasping at straws right now trying to find something and I know he is totally capable of trying to spy on me and at least get a handle on where I am coming from in an attempt to win.

Thanks you both for the insights.

Take care and God bless!
K

Hi Still,

I have been booted offline for a week now, and missed out on a lot on here.

But, have to add, I agree with Harry.
I say, put up your guard!
I would be very protective until this is all over with.

Seems funny to me, that this person has appeared from out of the blue so to speak.

I think I would be leary if it were me.

Take care, and good luck!
K.

Ahhh....Attack of the Stepford OW/Wives! It's same with mine too...OW/W is 10 years younger than me, has a four year old illegit child of her own, and is suddenly "mother of the year" by virtue of her birth canal...not by any decent or moral choices or intelligent choices she's made.

I think it's a combo of the xh telling OW how bad we are, how incompetent we are (addint to the fog...just lies to justify their stupid behaviors) and the OW believe it and to alleviate ANY GUILT ON THEIR BEHALF, they really learn to believe that they are best for our kids, they are doing the right things by breaking apart marriage s and that they have an obligation to take on our role as the former wife and as a mother wanna be to our kids.

It also takes our power away and that is the real truth. If they can take away our power, then their deep seated fear that their prize of a husband will return to his original family is shattered beyond belief and that they are indeed this "stepford wonder stepmom" then they can have peace despite of their sins and actions against a family.

Hi Karona-

I've been wondering where you've been. My computer is acting up as well and it is driving me nuts. How have you been? We'll have to catch up.

Peachy - You crack me up, you have such a way with words. I think you should have an advice column.

I have done some more digging on this lady and have found that she has just recently endured a lengthy custody dispute with a lot of similarities to mine so she may truly believe in what I am doing. However, I am not going to trust her with anything as it is just too risky. Not that I have anything to hide, but we all know how things can be twisted and I can't afford it. Besides I have plenty of friends including you guys to hear me out and offer support and advice. It just is so weird.

As for the OW, a year ago a friend's niece was working with her and the niece told my friend to warn me that she felt the OW was obsessed with my kids. I basically blew it off as both the OW and the friend's niece are pretty young, but as things progress I am believing it more and more. It is like she has my XH and now she wants to permanently replace me so that she can have her little fantasy life. It is sick! I am not worried as I am secure in my relationships with all of my children and she is definately not in my league if she wants to really mess with me, but it galls me none the less. Who does she think she is?

Of course you are all right. These women think they know everything and being young and naive with no children of her own of course she knows exactly how things should be. I really can't wait until reality totally hits the fan and squelches her fantasy!

Thanks for the replies!

Take care and God bless!
K

Hi again Still,

You could be so right, that this woman does know what you are going through, but, you can't be too cautious.
I think you are wise to watch yourself.
It's terrible to be so suspicious, but, our X's have created this in us.

Peachy does have a way with words, I agree. She is funny.

Off your post...
I'm doing pretty well, as I hope you are too!
It's been a month now since I stopped seeing the guy I was dating.
It has been very good for me.
I have found that I miss him. I have seen him a couple of times, and did accept a lunch date with him this weekend.
It was great, and find myself wishing to see him again.
But....
I'm not allowing myself to get back in to a pattern with him.
I feel like I need to explore myself, and the world around me more.
With him, it got scarey. It felt like it was moving into a permanent situation, and I was far from ready for that.
So,
It is very clear with him, that I would like to try dating should that opportunity arise. Have to say, it's not like when I was younger, or in the work force. I do not know of any men to date.

I hope you and your kids are doing well, and having a great summer.
Also, hope you and your boyfriend are doing well, and that his health is well.
Take care,
K.

Hi Karona-

A funny thing happened tonight when I picked the kids up.

The other day when I had seen this lady friend of theirs my kids had made plans to meet at this activity at the end of the week. The woman had said that we could get together with the younger kids while the older kids attended the activity. I politely declined saying the older kids could go, but we had other plans so I'd have to pass on the play date. She said she understood then said she could pick the older kids up, but I told her that wouldn't be necessary.

Well anyways, when the kids went to their dad's tonight my son told them about their plans. Well OW wifey must not be too comfortable with me seeing this other woman at all because I guess she called her right away and lied and said how we had changed plans and she and XH were bringing the kids to the activity now and they would love to pick up her stepson as well.

When I picked the kids up the OW wife was like we are now taking the kids on Friday and Mrs. Friend will bring them back to you. I told her that it wouldn't be necessary for them to bring them as we had it all planned out and she was like, "Well we have to pick their son up now so it really only makes sense for us to bring them too." I was like whatever. I was polite, but then I got home and realized I had forgotten to give them something so I called to let them know. I talked to my XH and told him about the thing I'd forgotten and then told him that I really didn't appreciate being told what I would be doing by his wife on my time with the kids. He said that she didn't mean anything by it but that he just thought it would be a quick way for him to get in a little time and would help me by not having to take the young kids out - whatever!

I just find it funny that as I sit here pondering how to take this woman here the OW wife is panicking because she might be getting to know me. It is hilarious! It still hasn't changed my mind on anything though. I am being nothing but cautious.

I am glad to hear things are going well. You sound so upbeat. I am impressed how you are handling the man situation as well. I can imagine you miss him as he seemed really wonderful, but I really commend you for keeping a level head and not falling into an old pattern. You are discovering yourself and finding out what you really want. If it turns out to be him so be it, but it is good to keep your options open as you are figuring this out. You are so right about the dating. The pool of eligible men is much more limited than when we were younger!

How are your girls? Are you enjoying the summer? We are having a great time. The weather is finally cooperating and we are getting out a lot. August is gearing up to be a really busy month so I am enjoying the laid back pace of July.

If you saw my other thread you saw that my XH is trying once again to convince me to cave in on the custody thing, but I am not buying into it as the courts seem to be seeing through his act.

Things with my BF are going okay. He is restructuring his business and although the end result will be great, right now things are really hectic and the timing couldn't be worse as things are really hectic with me and this whole custody mess. I hate it because although the love is definately there we both are so caught up with our own issues that it is hard to be totally supportive of each other and there is just a lot to deal with. I am sure we will work through it, but the stress is really getting to me. It isn't helping his blood pressure either and that really worries me. I guess I will have to keep the faith that this too will pass.

On a lighter note, I did see The Notebook and just loved it. Oh to have that kind of love. Are we nuts to want it or what?

Well, I better get going.

Take care and God bless!
K

Hi Karona-

A funny thing happened tonight when I picked the kids up.

The other day when I had seen this lady friend of theirs my kids had made plans to meet at this activity at the end of the week. The woman had said that we could get together with the younger kids while the older kids attended the activity. I politely declined saying the older kids could go, but we had other plans so I'd have to pass on the play date. She said she understood then said she could pick the older kids up, but I told her that wouldn't be necessary.

Well anyways, when the kids went to their dad's tonight my son told them about their plans. Well OW wifey must not be too comfortable with me seeing this other woman at all because I guess she called her right away and lied and said how we had changed plans and she and XH were bringing the kids to the activity now and they would love to pick up her stepson as well.

When I picked the kids up the OW wife was like we are now taking the kids on Friday and Mrs. Friend will bring them back to you. I told her that it wouldn't be necessary for them to bring them as we had it all planned out and she was like, "Well we have to pick their son up now so it really only makes sense for us to bring them too." I was like whatever. I was polite, but then I got home and realized I had forgotten to give them something so I called to let them know. I talked to my XH and told him about the thing I'd forgotten and then told him that I really didn't appreciate being told what I would be doing by his wife on my time with the kids. He said that she didn't mean anything by it but that he just thought it would be a quick way for him to get in a little time and would help me by not having to take the young kids out - whatever!

I just find it funny that as I sit here pondering how to take this woman here the OW wife is panicking because she might be getting to know me. It is hilarious! It still hasn't changed my mind on anything though. I am being nothing but cautious.

I am glad to hear things are going well. You sound so upbeat. I am impressed how you are handling the man situation as well. I can imagine you miss him as he seemed really wonderful, but I really commend you for keeping a level head and not falling into an old pattern. You are discovering yourself and finding out what you really want. If it turns out to be him so be it, but it is good to keep your options open as you are figuring this out. You are so right about the dating. The pool of eligible men is much more limited than when we were younger!

How are your girls? Are you enjoying the summer? We are having a great time. The weather is finally cooperating and we are getting out a lot. August is gearing up to be a really busy month so I am enjoying the laid back pace of July.

If you saw my other thread you saw that my XH is trying once again to convince me to cave in on the custody thing, but I am not buying into it as the courts seem to be seeing through his act.

Things with my BF are going okay. He is restructuring his business and although the end result will be great, right now things are really hectic and the timing couldn't be worse as things are really hectic with me and this whole custody mess. I hate it because although the love is definately there we both are so caught up with our own issues that it is hard to be totally supportive of each other and there is just a lot to deal with. I am sure we will work through it, but the stress is really getting to me. It isn't helping his blood pressure either and that really worries me. I guess I will have to keep the faith that this too will pass.

On a lighter note, I did see The Notebook and just loved it. Oh to have that kind of love. Are we nuts to want it or what?

Well, I better get going.

Take care and God bless!
K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still reeling:
So am I paranoid or is this weird? I know she is not a close friend of my XH or his new wife, but I hardly know her either. Having been through this herself is she genuine or is she on a fishing mission? I want to believe the best of her, but right now I have my guard up so high that I find it hard to trust anyone I don't really know, especially under these circumstances.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you are not paranoid, and its a normal reaction of yours!
Whatever she is (and only time will tell), keep your guard up.
Say to those people you don't know enough only those things you can freely repeat anywhere else, the court included!

Hi Still,

Well now, that is interesting! I'm not sure what to make of OW/wife. Either she is jealous of the friend, OR she fears your friendship for other reasons. Like, maybe she knows this woman knows something that would hurt their case?? Who knows.
She may be a very good friend to you after this mess is all said and done. At that point, you can tell her you had to keep your guard up. If she has been through what you are now going through, she will understand, and be there still.

I haven't looked at your other thread. I am amazed that your X is still dragging this all out. I hope he has the best interests in his heart. Hopefully its the time he is really missing, and not the money.
I hope I never know what you are going through.

Things with my X are settling in I THINK. As soon as I say that, who knows what he will pull.
At one time I mentioned doctors bills, which he is to pay. Right now, my daughter has a 920 bill hanging over his head. I do wonder if he will come to me asking for assistance. He has left me to get my owm insurance. I pay 300 a month, and I still have a 500 ded., and then it pays 80%.
Right now I have a couple prevenitive tests coming up that I'm sure will rack up, so I have not much sympathy for his pocket. Not to mention, I'm in no hurry to make his life with OW any more cozy than it is already.

My girls are doing well. The summer is flying by so fast. It hurts my stomach to see the school supplies in the stores now. All the feelings/anxiety I had growing up, all rushes back to me for them. I love having them home with me.
My older D mentions to me after she has been with father and OW that she doesn't think the W likes her. I guess she never talks to her, unless my D asks her a question. I think at times there may be friction with our kids, and her D. Her D is the same age as my youngest. Her D seems to be high strung, and is always getting into something. I think it makes life interesting when the 3 of them are together. My girls are well behaved, and listen pretty well. This girl is like a little wild child. Funny! Wonder if X sees how great his kids are??

As far as me being upbeat, I think that sums it up pretty well. I do feel happier now.
As long as he understands that I want to date (given the opportunity), and if he wants to see me occasionally, we can do that.
I'm sure he wants me to keep him fresh in my memory, thats how much he cares for me. I do think of him often. But, at this point, I don't see me with him forever.

I hope your BF's business gets all situated soon. I can't imagine what that is all about. But, in the end, hopefully, it will all be better.
I'm sure you could use his strength right now with what you are going through. That would be tough.
I feel for you, and everything you face with this mess.

Take care of yourself!
K.

Thanks for the support Belonging. You are so right about not saying anything that I can't freely repeat anywhere. It is funny, but the OW wife really did me a favor by butting in and rearranging the kids'plans. For one it will come out through the kids that the OW wife changed the plans, not me, which shows this other woman the OW wife's true colors and she has already made comparisons to her situation so this will just further them. It also keeps me from seeing this woman and the whole custody situation being brought up again which helps because I don't have to keep my guard up and worry about what she's up to.

Karona-

Good luck with all the medical stuff. I am lucky enough to have excellent coverage and I don't know what I would do without it. Good luck with your upcoming test, I know they worried you earlier. I will keep you in my prayers. It will be interesting to see what your XH does about your daughter's bills. He probably will come to you, but stand firm!

I find your daughter's comments about the OW not liking her interesting. My oldest who is just shy of 12 feels the OW wife doesn't like her either. She says she is the hardest on her and is constantly harping on her. She says that she is also weird because she'll then turn around and try to be best friends with her as well. My daughter is on to her and I'm sure daughter is as well.

Although I don't feel sorry for them in any way I sure don't envy these women. They got themselves into these situations and I'm sure they thought that we the wives would be their biggest obstacle. They had no idea what the kids would bring. Of course they are hardest on the oldest because the oldest are able to think on their own and see things as they really are rather than the fantasies that these OW and our XHs want everybody to believe in. My youngest daughters are like little robots at times reciting what their dad and the OW have told them to think, feel, do, etc. It is pathetic, but in time they too will see through it. They can't force love and loyalty and the more they push the further the kids will pull away. I see it already with my oldest. The best we can do is keep being the moms and cushion the fall.

Have fun dating. If I think of any creative ways to find men I'll let you know.

As for me, I have been down in the dumps lately about my whole situation; the custody fight, the distance from BF, etc., but I keep reminding myself that I have a lot to be happy about and it is getting better. I just have occasional pity parties for myself.

Talk to you later.

Take care and God bless!
K