Sometimes I wonder about the use of that word "fog". Sometimes I think that this is too light of a word. Fog. Fog is thick and ugly and sometimes it's hard to see through fog, but all in all, fog is not all that bad. It lasts for only a short while and then the sun shines bright and all is well.

I think what ws experience is something much more serious than fog. This past Friday we had a pendente lite hearing for legal custody. My wife said things, under oath, that had no resemblence of the truth whatsoever. I am led to believe that she seriously believes all what she said to be true. I am led to believe she has a serious mental malfunction.

First, she said that she did not just leave me and the children. She said that in May she had, no, WE had agreed that she would be moving out at the end of July. This could not be further from the truth. Not only that, but it is so easily proven otherwise.

My brother was married on Memorial Day and we attended the wedding as a family. There are pictures of her and I kissing...in May! Her father died shortly after so I arranged the flight down to Alabama and we went. While there her mother asked how we were doing and she told her fine and we have decided to make this marriage work. I have an email from her IN JUNE with all of her email passwords and voicemail passwords, telling me that she is making an effort to make this work. I have a cc'd email from her to the OM where she told him she will like for him to step back as she tries to work on her marriage. All of this is in June.

Now it so happened that he did not step back. In fact, he stepped it up. She moved out to be with him the end of July, not telling me until the middle of July, just as my attorney suggested. In fact, after the password email, she quickly changed all of them shortly after.

The second mental malfunction is that she is testifying that she did not move out because of him. Now, she had been sleeping with him since February of that year. Up until she moved out she was in constant communication with him. We have proof that the weekend after she moved out, he moved in. She admitted in court that he spends the night over there, today, at least 2-3 nights a week, "but his name is not on the lease or anything like that". But yet, she did not move out because of him.

I would not attribute this behavior to fog. This is by far more serious than a mere state of confustion or wilderment. This is serious.

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: Alone and Happy ]</small>

DTIA, and the beat goes on right? I posted this the other day just to tell someone, anyone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Took the kids to Disneyworld, on vacation for about 10 days and thought I had my MB habit kicked and was able to work some. Started lurking a little, now have the urge to post.

Vacation was wonderful the kids and I had a great time. It ended 10:30 p.m. 4th of July when I had to return them to WW. My oldest was hysterical, sobbing and screaming "I don't want to go, I don't want to go, I don't want to go,........" He had a double handed grip on the pull handle in my truck and she was trying to drag him out without much luck. She looked at me and said," Aren't you going to help?" and my reply was "What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much that you will do this to our children?". I thought she was going to hit him to make him turn loose. She finally got him out and drug him screaming into the house.

We had depositions last Friday. I got to hear WW admit her earlier affair for the first time. I already knew but she has denied until then. She put it at about 11 years ago instead of the 7 that our friends had told me. Kept my head up, fought back the tears, but it wasn't easy. She called me Saturday night and apologized because I found out. Not that it happened, not that she has lied about it for 11 years, but that I found out. She never wanted that to happen. Is that screwed up thinking or what?

Another revelation of depositions was her vacation with OM. She said that he asked her to go away with him, she didn't know where other than to the beach. Her face lit up when she was talking about it and she had the look of a teenager in love. So yesterday she brought me the kids for a week so she and OM can go to her unknown beach. The day before that was our 17th anniversary, it went unacknowledged by both of us. I am glad to get the extra time with my kids but the circumstances really suck and leave me with the big knot back in my stomach. She told the kids that she was going to the beach with some friends and that OM is going to be there. She doesn't realize what she is doing to them.

I'm keeping contact to a minimum, not asking any questions, only answering the yes or no questions and those as monotone as possible. Is it wrong to hope they get eaten by sharks? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I didn't mention then, I know she has a computer expert on her witness list and she may know who I am on here, is that she also lied her a$$ off in depositions and my attorney promises he is going to hammer her in court. I think she probably believes what she is saying. I agree with you, fog isn't a strong enough word.
Wish I Were Home posted a few days ago suggesting that we BSs are the ones that were in the fog thinking everything was OK with our M and not seeing the trouble comeing. Fog contributed to the Titanic hitting an iceberg. Fog has helped my marriage sink too. Seems like it has happened very quickly for me but maybe because I was in the fog I missed it coming for quite some time. WS being in the fog, I don't think so, its way thicker and nastier than that.

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: deafjeff ]</small>

I'll have to put more substantitive thought to it, but right now I am thinking that the BS being in the fog is a bunch...craziness, to say the least. In fact,I believe that a BS being in the fog would save the marriage temporarily. If it is true what the experts say that most affairs are short lived, the play themselves out and eventually the ws turns back to their spouse, then being in the fog would leave us clueless to what is going on and we would do nothing about the insanity of the WS. How many of us found out later that our WS had been wayward long before? The only difference with the time we found out and before is that the WS became sloppy and we caught on.

I am 100% positive if I did not snoop, ask questions, SEE something wrong in my wife's behavior, she would have continued in her affair and sooner than later their affair would have dropped and she would have been lovey-dovey again. But it happened this way for a reason. I am a better person now. My children are in a better place right now (believe it or not) and I believe when it is said and done she will be a better person.

Saying that the BS spouse was in the fog for the affair to begin places somewhat blame on the BS for the WS immoral decision to give their love to someone else. I don't buy it.

deadtoitall,
I have to agree about the fog....I believe that my XH has a serious mental problem. For someone to be ABLE to lie like that, I feel they'd have to be a sociopath, or something. It's just not normal. He still lies about things like the child support, like "the check is in the mail" kinda thing. Does he actually believe what he's saying???? Maybe the FOG turns into a mental problem when it doesn't clear soon enough. I just can't imagine the fog clearing, and then my XH becoming a normal, rational being suddenly......
Very strange.
KK

My Ex does that also....It has to be something more than just FOG. I really think he believes his lies...It is weird.

Two days ago, he left a voice mail saying he has been paying his credit card bill...he doesn't understand why our credit would be bad. Duh? The credit report says he hasnt paid it in 6 months.

He does the same thing with his child support...I sent the check a week ago...it should be there.

I guess all integrity goes out the window when you stoop to an affair.

Hi DTIA,

Good topic to bring up-

The FOG- to me simply represents a person experincing a severe nervous mental breakdown. Negative consequences, resulting from that person 's own wrong attitudes, wrong doings and unresolved issues.

Fog- Person Not in possesion of their own full faculties.

Fog- Person having serious misperception issuses.

Unfortunately, I had a unpleasant conversation with my xh the other day. Mindboggling, encounter, internally frustrating. And really listened to his programming.

Wow, I managed to hold back my comments, attempts to logically "reason" with him.

I became "acutely aware" he truly has no longer had possession of his own mind, sense of reality, or had any longer solid idenity, but a blob of his family scprits, other persons idenities, personalites. Most tragic and sad.

Coming to grips with term and reality of "madness" and accepting that WS is completely under a different power and influence. They clearly DO NOT UNDERSTAND, what they are doing.

I have learned lately the imperative importance of having to disconnect and relax emotionally.

I wish I had better understanding, skill sets and maturity in how to deal/handle with " madness".

As I reflect through majority of the seperation, divorce process, of what I have done right. I am relieved that for the most part treated him with respect and dignity.

Hopefully, in the future as my personal wounds, injuries heal I will be in a better position to be completely aloof, detached, disconnected.

We will one day have to really forgive our WS from our hearts to be released from our own eternal prison of pain and realise this is how our WS felt all along inside of themselves. On some warped, wierd level wanting us to experince all their pain, sadness.

Malfuctioned-good term for the serverly immature and selfish persons-mentally, spiritually maimed.

I am in agreement with your statements of acceptance that we and our children are better off with out the WS.

No one in their right frame of mind inflicts this much hurt, harm and damage to others.

Three words come to mind for an explantions describing these unpleasant experinces and persons that opperate on the levels of being
Jaded, Callous, Indifferent.

Cold souls do terrible things.

Fog?

Get out of that. Don't get in it.

Time to move on.

Fog?

Get out of that. Don't get in it.

Time to move on.

More questioning of the fog..

The mysterious fog.

It is a catch all I think.

Been doing a bit of fog searching myself since the man I've been seeing for almost 4 mos. now may be suffering from the "dating to committment" fog.

I think the fog is a mechanism by which the brain protects itself from a horrible reality...one created by the very same person. AFter all, if one admitted they had become an adulterer, ripped apart a family, left them in financial shambles and moves on to immediatley remarry and become a dad again (like my xh) then if they were "in touch" with reality, they'd be popping antidepressants and unable to face the day b/c they'd be wrought with guilt.

It's like an alternate universe. Yes, they do believe the crap they are saying. They do believe it all.

They have to believe it because if they accepted facts and truth they would go insane.

So...get ready. Buckle up. They're going to fling some poo at you that is mind boggling. What was black will now seem white. I also believe if the WS is foggy to the BS, then they're also foggy to the OP as well. Gotta be.

Difference is the OP doesn't know the reality b/c haven't been around long enough to know the truth. So they buy it.

Keep on the way of truth. Don't give in to them. We will be ok in the end. Just don't give up.

I honestly believe it is a way for the psyche/brain to protect itself from self inflicted horrors. Otherwise they couldn't function.

Over the last 3 years my x has become somebody I don't at all know. He's somebody I don't like in the least.
'I swear I wish he'd just one day come up and say that he'd been mentally ill. Get diagnosed or something and I'd have some compassion. As for now, I have none b/c he has become a narcissist and a sociopath.

First of all, I agree 110% with justpeachy about the whole guilt/shame thing and the need to deny, lie, and minimize in order to be able to live with one's self. That's what made my ex-WS so believable. He actually believed what he was saying!

My exWs(husband) was a recovering addict/alcoholic. He had 6 years clean and sober in when he started his affair. I thought that he had started using again because his behaviors were all the same...lying, missing paychecks, large amounts of time unaccounted for, lots of promises never kept, self-centered, ignoring my and his children's needs/wants, promises to do better, blaming other's for his mistakes/faults, blowing up in anger when anyone questioned his behaviors or whereabouts. Come to find out he (age 47)was having an affair with a 21 yr old he had met at his Recovery meetings. Studies have shown that the same (feel good) chemical released in the brain from drug and alcohol use, also occurs in the initial stages of a new romantic relationship...And trying to reason, talk with, plead with, rage at someone who is an addict usually results in you feeling like the crazy one, and has little impact on them! Ugggggggggggh!

It is an addiction and form of escapism.

But there is a trigger for this to happen. And I suspect it may be different for each WS.

Somehow I suspect the trigger is something in the WS life that causes great stress..My xh's business had multiple lawsuits (million dollar ones) going at once. Then he spiraled outta control never to come back again to the man I once knew.

I think it's key to catch that trigger and get them before the addiction becomes far too great. Often times if they're the strong types, they won't let on they have any stress at all so you don't ever know.

I posted some thoughts on this and some revelations from a relative who is my closest relative and the BS. Her H is also one of my closest relatives and was the WS.

Timing is critical imho. LIke catching your kid only after he's had a few joints versus catching your kid/teenager after they progressed from joints to cocaine and having many months pass.

Then the addiction is much harder to break. They are hooked.