Winning” is a relative term. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

We went to mediation yesterday and I made my position clear: I do not want this D. I explained how we hadn't explored all of our options for reconciliation, and how I didn’t want to put my kids at risk with the OM. I said I want to keep my family as intact as possible and I don’t want our sons’ lives disrupted.

Result? My wife wants to be with OM so badly that she dropped her claim for sole custody in lieu of joint legal custody (this means that both of us have equal say in all aspects of the boys’ lives) We split time evenly. She gave up her bid for the house and let me have it and EVERYTHING in it. So instead of her keeping the house, or selling it and splitting the proceeds, I’ll give her 30k of the 100k equity after refinancing. Finally, she takes on all of her debt and I take mine. After over six hours of me resisting this move, I capitulated, simply because my kids would suffer in the 2-3 year battle that was the alternative to settling. I let go of the rope.

The mediator, lawyers and therapists involved were astonished. They have NEVER seen such a deal. My W leaves this marriage with ½ contact with her children, no house, no money (the 30k will immediately go to her L bills) 190k in debts, no friends (she ‘fired’ them all over the A), and 19 days to move out. Her new practice is on shaky financial ground and she has no credit. Her professional and social reputation is damaged b/c of the A, and she doesn’t seem to care. In short, she gave up everything for a man who may or may not move 1100 miles to live with (not marry) her. Her perfect man, her one true love. No one is worth this. I hope she gets that—and soon.

I’m sad, folks. I was congratulated roundly by all for my character, fortitude, commitment and ability to “get what I wanted”. But my W, a woman I’ve loved for 20 of my 37 years, is going. She’s headed for a Hell I don’t even wish on the OM. The mother of my children cast herself out, naked and alone, to follow a pipe-dream. I know; I must stay focused. In the 45-60 days before the D is final things may change. In the months ahead when she finally gets to the other side of the fence, things WILL change. But my boys will have to witness something I never wanted for them—mommy and daddy going their separate ways.

I’m not done. But right now I’m reeling a bit. I expected her to compromise but her deal was so strong that a court battle would only cost money (approx 200k) and risk or home and children’s mental health. At least now there is still a home for my boys and a soft place to land should my very wayward wife ever falls from her lofty, fanciful perch.

Your thoughts, prayers, and advice are welcome.

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

That is tough and beyond painful. This is why I don't use the word 'fog'. There is a serious mental malfunction taking place with your wife. But you are right, you cannot see the end of this and who knows how this will really end. It may take a while, but I believe certainly (and statistics back me on this) your wife will regain consciousness and realize the mistake she has made. She will want to come back and it will be up to you to receive her.

As for your children, just love them like you have never loved them before. Make your family a family still, even with this. As you know, it will hurt and there is nothing you can do to make the hurt go away. Just be patient. Like Shakespeare said, "How poor are they that have not patience! For what wound did ever heal but by degrees?" In time, all will be well. Believe that.

Be the best person and best parent you can be for the sake of your kids. Take the high road with them.
If you can, get them counseling and/or Rainbows classes (www.rainbows.org) to help them deal with things. The settlement is just the beginning, the emotional aftermath continues for a long time.

Consider yourself lucky that you resolved these issues in mediation. Many of us have paid huge legal fees for ridiculous differences. Many fathers on this board seldom get 50/50 so that is a wonderful thing for you and your children.

Find a support group for yourself to help you deal with the daily stresses of being a divorced parent, and to deal with the emotions.

And perhaps, once the fog wears off, she may come back and you might have a better marriage than you ever thought possible.

Thanks for the kind words and support. I need them!

My W wants to talk about the transition tonight. What should I tell her? I don't want to walk away from the conversation feeling sadder than I already do.

Before you meet with her, pray. Then, just listen to what she has to say. Don't say much at all. Just listen to her then say you will think about what she has said.

The woman my ex husband left me for agreed to close to the same deal your wife did with her ex husband. He actually has primary residential custody, and she sees them about 6 days a month. She thought my ex husband was such a prize he was worth trading her kids for. She had to pay her husband child support, since she was the bigger money maker. She is in educational adminstration, as is my ex husband, and both of them have to spin some tales as to why they don't see their kids much. She has threatened many times to go back to court to get more time, but the fact that she gave them up so easily and didn't even show up for court has hurt her. Her own lawyer told her if she fought it, she could get even less time. I don't think she necessarily wants more time, but she wants to think she is a good mother.

To preserve your sanity, I suggest limiting the conversations with your wife to ONLY about the children, with no personal talk at all. If she is hell bent on leaving, nothing you can say will change that at this point. (I learned that the hard way.) I made a rule that we would only discuss the children and we would only do that by e-mail. It saved me a lot of heartache.

I also took my children and self to a Christian family therapist to help us get through a difficult time. My children were young - 4,2, and newborn, but both of the older two were helped by it, and I was helped immensely. I could ask him questions about what was appropriate to say when the kids asked me about our situation, and got some good strategies for coping. I threw myself into mothering and surrounded myself with family and friends. It has been 2.5 years now, and we are thriving. You will too, I promise.

dleightonc,

Isn't OM married?? Or is he just single and dating various women??

If so, then make sure his wife also knows about the A--it may make things come to a more clear place for your wife--

Is he really ready to give everything up for her as she thinks he is--and he says he is??

I'm in Higher Ed administration myself. It doesn't matter how credential you are, A madness is brutal. I still have hope, but I shall not base my children's future on it. I'd like to see how her family (we're close) responds to all of this

OM is single.

It is interesting I read this post today, because I happened across an e-mail from my ex MIL that was sent right when ex had left (the second time) and right before I was due with our third child. She offered me her unconditional support and love and prayers, and so did my ex FIL. They hated what their son was doing, and pleaded with him not to abandon his family. So initially they were fully on my side. They were also worried because he lost his job. (He was the superintendent, she the principal and they lied to the school board repeatedly about their affair.) But as the months went on and it was clear he wasn't going to stop his affair and he made it clear he wasn't in favor of their continued relationship with me, the relationship weakened. I understood that he was their son, and they just got used to the situation. They may not approve, but if they wanted a relationship with him, they got used to his relationship with OW. We have a good relationship to this day, although I was admittedly guarded with them in the beginning.

I'm not saying all hope is lost for you and your marriage because mine turned out differently then I hoped. My prayers are with you!

Amen!
Same thing happened to me, and no one would have understood that I did not feel like I had "won" anything. I LOST my family. I lost my security for my boys. I did not feel good - I felt ugly that my H was willing to give up everything just to get away from me. (I know that is not the reality - that is just how it felt)
I got the house completely in my name - and everything in it. And get this - the house was on land that had been handed down in his family for generations. The house was on a street named after his family. But he signed it all over to me. I was not there the day he signed the papers, but always wondered if there was any reaction at all.
It broke my heart the day the papers came and I saw that he really did sign it all away.
I have sole custody. Not even joint. He has the 2 weekends a month deal.
And he took most our debt.
All becuase some little tramp promised him "romance and happiness everyday" those were his exact words. "Daily romance and happiness"
Now, fast forward to today, only 13 months since he left.
She kicked him out in May. They went back and forth for a couple of months, but eventually they quit talking to each other at all - she even got a restraining order against him recently to keep him from ever contacting her again (even though he has never threatened her - he just isn't the threatening type)
She all ready has a new BF AND she still isn't divorced from her H. She drags it out trying to get more out of him.
So, you see, I do know how you feel, and I do know things can change and will change.
My WH wants to reconcile, but I am the one who is hesitant now. I never thought I would hesitate - but I am. Big time. I can forgive - I can work on healing - but he gave up everything for that woman. He would not even consider talking to anyone about it - no counseling - nothing. he gave up ALL his friends, just like your WW. he still has not been able to repair his friendships. Too many people became disgusted when they saw that I was wiling to do anything to repair our family, but he would not even budge. when his friends would call or email him, and he would tell them to leave him alone because his situation was different, no one understood him, he was meant to be with her, he was happier than he had ever been before - any of this sound familiar???
I feel SO SORRY for him now. He is a completely dejected man. But I am also very cautious, because after last year I now realize he is capable of mass destruction, and I honestly feel in my heart that if the OW were to call him up tomorrow and say "I'm sorry - I was just under a lot of stress, I really do love you and want you to come back" he would go to her in a flash. Even though she has caused him such pain.
He even said to her recently (right before the restaining order) "I gave up EVERYTHING for you - my wife, house, and kids. How can you reject me now?" and all she could say was "no one held a gun to your head and made you do it"
Guess where your WW is headed???

D, I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry. What can she possibly be thinking?

Give yourself time. It will get better. Do your best to make sure the children are taken care of.

You HAVE won. You won in the sense that you keep your children's home and you are protecting them. As time passes, there will be days you have to play with your children in your yard, rather than going off to forensic accountants, going off to attorney meetings, sitting through depositions, keeping track of conversations you have with your wife and your lawyers and accountants. There will be days you spend your time with the kids rather than hiring a sitter so you can drive around town looking for a place to live with the kids. There will be days you spend your time with your kids rather than hiring a sitter so you can pack up their toys and beds and check the BBB for the ratings of moving companies.

In a year, when you're looking through the picture albums, and your little ones spot the same furniture and wallpaper and toys they have now, they won't be asking "Daddy, why did we move? I miss my bedroom, and my things. I miss that rosebush by the back door. Why didn't we stay in our house, Daddy?"

You don't realize it now, but you did win.

If I count all the time I lost with the custody fight and preparing for it - it would be alot of wasted time.
She's right about the house. I moved, X stayed. The kids miss their old rooms since X changed everything so they feel lost in both houses.
You have many blessings by settling this early.

And, if you can reconcile, it will be easy to return to your prior life - only better.

Yes, time saved to help the kids! Money saved to raised them. Emotions saved to love them.

Wise move.

End things before she moves out with an awesome plan A and the 180. Show her you've seen the light and are moving on..

I believe it will take a very harsh dose of reality to make her wake up...but then again, realize that there are some who just don't sadly enough.

After she moves out, move into plan B to begin healing YOUR emotions and for the kids. Now is the time to love them more and also show love to yourself.

With no stability, no family home, the kids being gone this much, and no finances to fall back on, she will most likely implode. OM will try to be all these things, but as light of day hits them completely now, it may not end up like they want it to.

Also, please expose this to everybody now. There's nothing to hide anymore. Let them know and expose this please..War is won. Now let the cat outta the bag..

If she's gonna crash, you need to help their little shackfest crash faster and the light of day will be that..

You CAN do that while doing both the A and the 180 btw...How? Well, if people or relatives or anybody asks you about the sudden divorce say "Well I'm moving on with my life. I've got a whole world of opportunity before me..Got my kids, am happy inside and can't wait to start over again. If her boyfriend she left for makes her happy then so be it. But as for me, I'm happy"..

That would be how I'd do it and how I've done it except I am not in either A or the 180 with my x...just an extremely prolonged plan B..

For those who's x's never wake up or return, plan B is a godsend. It helped me recover faster and realize what I was doing to myself by living in the hellish limbo I lived in. What I had gone thru and how it wasn't worth after ink was dry and all was said and done to keep feeling sadness over something which was broken...badly, badly broken.

Take some time and get to know yourself again. Shower the kids with love and attention..Rebuild your life. All things can be made new even as a single parent.

And don't whatever you do, be sucked in by xw's drama or any of that..she's gotta hit rock bottom if there is ever one day possibly (and I say that with trepidation as now is about you and the kids)a chance to reconcile..You gotta let her go and hit rock bottom. But sounds like after a few more months of living like this, there isn't far for her to fall.

I am sorry for her choices but you should be proud. You fought the good fight and know that you're made of the right stuff for doing so. My life verse is in the chapter I call "God's armor" chapter..."Therefore put on the full armour of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to make your stand. And after having done EVERYTHING, to stand." That means even going through the storm, through hell, that you're promised to make it as long as you keep your faith in check and your priorities right.

Know tonight is hard. AT the signing last summer of our separation agreement/divorce papers, my xh cried when the lawyer (neutral one) read the decree aloud for the court reporter to type. He actually cried..But...then it got to the part where they talked about "no overnight visitors of opposite sex while child is in parental household unless they are a blood relative." My x suddenly stopped crying and said "we didn't decide this?" I look at the man who one minute earlier was crying over ripping apart his family and stealing from us financially and see the fog roll in again as quickly as it seemingly seemed to drift away..He had to actually walk out into the hall and talk w/his attorney..I told him that "this is a dealbreaker". His attorney told him we'd already discussed this and it was fine by both of us (he and I) earlier..

I looked at him, wiped my tears that were silently falling down my cheeks as were his a minute earlier and said to him "you are some piece of work. All of this for an uneducated, immoral buttfloss model who you're already shacking up with...I turned to court reporter and said..."You getting this down too b/c I hope so."

You're right.

This hurts so much! I know it's 'fog talk', but the anger the blame rapidity of her departure w/ the boys is breaking me. Sure I have a 50/50 split with the boys but it all feels so empty. I've been crying my eyes out for the last hour. I feel so lonely.

My childhood was so jacked up that all I wanted to have was a family. I love being a husband and full time father. Those roles have been taken away. I want to fight for them, but it feels so hopeless. I'm Faithing hard, but the faithless surrond me.

I'm trying not to hate, trying not to empower the fog or the OM. I'm tired of suffering and being scorned like it's my fault.

Who is this angry selfish woman before me? Why does she hate me? Worse, why do I long for her so? Why do I want her with me raising our boys? Why don't I want anyone else? I want to feel like a man again, someone loved and respected for who he is. I want someone over the age of five glad to see me walk in the door. I want something my WW hasn't given me for years--respect and desire.

I can't keep walking around in htis kind of pain. The meds and therapy help as do the prayers, but still I'm decaying. Am I a fool for wanting my faily back? Have I loved too much? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You are not a fool, you are a loyal and loving father and husband and you have been handed one of the cruelest fates life can hand you. It isn't fair, but unfortunately as you've found out there really isn't anything you can do about it since you can't control or change your wife's decisions no matter how bad they are.

Although it will be tough, be thankful that you have what you have. Let's face it, the way she was headed things could've turned out much worse than this. Also, be the best father that you can be. You are your children's stability and saving grace. Things will get better. In the meantime take care of yourself.

Take care and God bless!
K

I'm trying, I'm trying. I hope it gets better with time...

You are longing for a picture of what you wanted your life to be...

It's like standing at the edge of a cliff not knowing if you'll smack down on the canyon below or suddenly sproud wings and fly after you jump...As for me, I bungeed right back up after feeling as though I plummetted down..

You're missing THINGS FAMILIAR. It's normal to be resistant to change. And it's hard to do. In the end after a few months had passed and the dust cleared, I realized that the man I was married to was somebody I didn't know at all anymore and not anybody I was capable of loving.

Kids are smart btw. They will figure out things in time. My son is almost 6 and knows already what happened. All on his own. Nobody wants to have this happen, but it's something that happens in 50% of married households. And adultery happens in 75% of households..

It's letting go of a dream. And when you realize that there is no real picket fence around a house you'll get to understanding a bit better. You can't change the past but you can change your future and that begins today.

You're hurting bad now b/c you haven't had the luxury of time yet...to let you understand who you've become and are now. After last summer's signing of papers, I seemed to almost blossom again. I found out who I am now. Found out that I had been defining myself as being the wife of Jethro. I am still the mom of my son and for once I can say aloud...I am Peachy and I like me. I don't need to define myself or my happiness through somebody else. My xh doesn't have the capabilities to make me happy. Nor does any other man out there...But I do...

You're scared and worried about change. But you're lucky. You won't have to change homes, jobs, or have the kids relocate. And your role as dad hasn't been taken away from you...instead HER role as mom has been significantly diminished by her own hand.

My advice? Don't be scared of the edge of that cliff where you're at now. You'll be surprised to find out you'll probably float off of it or just bungee off of it like I did bouncing back. Changes and adjustments will be needed on your side, but all in all I am more peaceful now. I look and feel a million times better. Sure I wish he had less time wtih my son as he doesn't deserve it, but I believe that will chang with time too. In the end, I carry with me integrity, hope, goofiness, and at same time quiet dignity and intelligence. All those things I did not know were inside me for a period of ...about ten years beginning with meeting Jethro in March of 2004.

I feel like I've been paroled and when you let go of the burden that you've been carrying and let God carry it you'll understand. You can't change anybody else and you can't carry the burden of adultery around on your shoulders...It just isn't your problem. Learn who you are now. When the kids visit your stbxw, do stuff by yourself. Read books. Go to the museums. Learn who YOU are now. Sleep late sometimes. Do and eat what you want to. And remember, the burden now falls on OM...the adultery burden. If she did it to you, odds are she'll do it to him. Let him have the stress and worries now. They're not your problem. If she wakes up and shrugs off the fog or hormonal disturbance or brain problem then she does. If she doesn't she doesn't. You become responsible for your actions and life. And always stay the responsible one there for the kids 24/7.

Ironically after signing the papers I felt a rush of freedom. Inexplicably. Sure I was still grieving, but I felt free. Free to not have to be married and bound to somebody that didn't respect me, care for my feelings, or well being. Maybe ironic, but I felt joy and saddness at the same time. AFter 6 mos., I just felt the joy btw.

It's been 1 year since signing and I know now that I did my best for my family. Did all that could have been done period. I am at peace with that. I too, fought a good fight and in the end I won b/c I am not around somebody abusive or cruel or adulterous anymore. I have a real chance for happiness and am treated with kindness, respect, and gentleness by my friends, family, and those I date now. My son is my very best friend and he love me much more now in fact.

Only wish different is for more time with son and less time working. More money would be nice but hey....I am happy for first time in TEN years now. All the rest will fall in place with living right, keeping my thinking hat on and keeping my son as my primary focus and showing love to others. God has a way of working things out. It may not be HOW we desire for it to be worked out, but the good happens one way or another in the end.

Trust in that and live in peace today.