I tried posting this topic on the Emotional Needs board but received no reply. So, I will try again here. I need some advice.

I am engaged to be married in September 2005 to a wonderful man with two children. I have no children but want one with him. We both have been through terrible divorces. We have dated for over a year.

His ex-wife has been tough to deal with (for him). She has done some hurtful things like yelling and cursing in front of the children, telling the children in front of my fiance' how bad he is, etc. She recently threatened that she will "get him" after an argument. The ex-wife called my fiance' last night and informed him that she is moving the kids from Indiana to Arizona and that there is nothing he can do about it. My finance' has an appointment with his lawyer on Friday. However, the lawyer said he would have to look at what was drawn originally (the original lawyer no longer practices in divorce) to see if the ex-wife has the ability to move. They share joint custody and supposedly it was written in the papers that the kids could not be moved out of the county that they live in in Indiana.

This leaves an area for me that I am struggling with. If the kids move, my fiance' will as well. That means quitting jobs, leaving family, leaving support, no insurance, and a much higher standard of living in AZ. I hate to be selfish but I must. This is a second marriage for me and I want to be happy. I do not want to move. The courts may not let the move happen but now I am seeing a preview of what life may be like. Neither of us have the money to hire the best lawyer. I can't put my life on hold every time the ex-wife wants to move on a whim. I realize she will be in our life because of the children. I am okay with this but not with uprooting my life because she decides to do so on a whim. Her family is in AZ but she has an on and off again relationship with them.

I do not want my fiance' to have to choose between the children or me. I am not angry that he would want to be with them. He is a great father. However, I have to look at the bigger picture too for me and my happiness. This stress from the ex-wife is more than I want to handle after what I have been through with my first marriage. I know that life is not perfect but I think I am at the limit of what I can handle. I haven't had to deal with the ex-wife as it should be. However, I have had to support my fiance' through some very trying times with her. Please advise or comment because I am not sure what to do next. It is difficult to plan a wedding right now (even though it is small).

Just a taste of what you are going to have to deal with when you marry a man who already has a family.

It is not easy, especially if the reason for the divorce involved you. I know because I am the xwife. I don't like my husband's new wife and I don't feel any sympathy for her at all. If there are complications because of children-decide now if you want to deal with it, because it will be part of your life with him.

As far as the xwife moving to Arizona, if I had family I could move close to, I would. You're not in her shoes, how do you know why she is moving? Perhaps there is better job oportunities there. Perhaps there is better pay.

Second marriages especially with children are tough--and you need to explore these issues before you decide to marry him. MHO

No, I am NOT the reason for his divorce. The problems in their marriage began several years before I met him. He has been divorced for 2 1/2 years - divorced when I met him.

As far as her (ex-wife) family is concerned the story is not good. Her father (in AZ) left her mother when she was young. All they had was a station wagon and a cooler. They had to go live at an aunt's house for a while. The ex's mother had several breakdowns so the ex basically had to raise the brothers and sisters. She is the oldest of four children I believe. The grandparents are not close to my fiancee's children. The ex has a child from her first marriage that will be moving far away from her father as well. My fiancee's parents are very close to the kids and provide support in many many ways.

There are always two sides to every story. However, I only know one. The ex cheated on my fiancee several times. In fact, he was willing to stay with her for the children until she served him with divorce papers. In addition, my fiancee still treats her daughter from her first marriage as his own. He calls her his daughter and supports her like his own. He has been the father figure in her life - she has a good father but he is in the military and she does not get to see him very often (he will be retiring soon and will move back home to TN which is only a couple of hours from here). So, I feel the children are better off here where they have lived all their lives. There is more I could tell you but I would be typing all night.

Sorry,

I still think it is tough marrying into a family...there is so many issues that have to be explored before a marriage takes place in my opinion. It is not for the faint of heart.

Lots of people do it tho--just make sure you are aware of what you will be dealing with.

I have a friend I teach with right now...she is in the same boat. She calls up all the time with issues concerning the H's daughter from his first marriage. There is a lot of things to look and see if you agree on before you get married. Sometimes it works out well...I don't envy you tho. Take care Pat

It's difficult but I am glad some things are surfacing before we marry. I have quite a bit to consider. I have been through a painful first marriage and don't want to make another mistake.

I wish the best to you...sounds like you have been through some bad times.

God Bless!
Jenny