My ex to be cheated on me last summer and we separated in September. I now have a girlfriend that is 21 years old and I am 31. I met this girl when I went to Germany for work in February (she is a German citizen). I went back to visit her for 10 days in April and she is coming out to visit me in June for 14 days. I like this girl a lot but I have a few issues. First, I think I am lonely and am not sure if this is driving my deep feelings for her. Second, my girlfriend has mentioned that she would not get married until she knows a guy for about a year or more. I totally agree with this, but how do we get to know each other if we can't see each other? We talk on the phone and e-mail, but it is not the same as face-to-face contact. Third, I am also afraid that she would not move to the states because she has a great life in a small town in Germany. I can't move overseas because I have a four year old daughter that I share joint custody of with her mother. I want to ask my girlfriend some questions about us and if she would move to the US someday, but I don't want to put her off and have her think I am too pushy. Is there anyway I can talk to her about this without pushing her away?<p>Another issue that has come up is that my ex to be is still seeing the guy she cheated on me with. Ex to be has told my daughter about him and his kids (my daughter has already met all of them before the separation) and that she will see them all again soon. I knew this would happen and I knew it would bother me enormously. It bothers me to no end knowing this guy helped take my daughter away from me and will soon be able to see her as much as I do. I know my daughter loves me, but it almost seems like I have lost her and should just give up. BUT I CAN'T! It is really eating me up inside and I am back to being depressed. I also get pissed when I hear such things as my ex to be is going on a trip with some of the other mothers and kids at my daughters school. She is the one that tore us apart without even trying to keep us together and she gets to be the good one. I can't sleep at night and I get so angry with her and him. I want to get past this but it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. It is so damn hard. What can I do? <p>One last question. My daughter mentions this guy and I tell her that he is a bad man and was responsible for taking her away from me. I don't say anything about her mother because I believe that she will think if I talk bad about her mother, in essence I am talking bad about her. I know it is not right to do this to a 4 year old, but I don't want her to ever see this scum bag again. What do I do if there is anything I can do?

matthew123<p>1) Forget about developing serious long-term realtionship with overseas girlfriend. Over 85% of "rebound" relationships fail within 1-2 years. Your lonliness is getting the best of you. You mention so many serious issues in it already, you should see red lights and hear loud warning sirens all over the place! She is filling a void for you right now, that's it.<p>2) Don't even consider leaving your daughter for one minute! She is still your daughter no matter what! She needs you now more than ever. Don't let the "sour grapes" or depression over failed marriage get between you and your child. You see her and be as involved in her life as you possibly can, even if it means being around your STBX and her new man at the same time! (School functions, birthdays, etc.) It will be very difficult but I have done it and so can you! Focus on your daughter's welfare, not your own self-pity.<p>3) Stop telling your daughter that OM is bad. She is too young and it is not right. Even though you don't speak ill of her mom, it doesn't matter. You are attacking the new man in her life and in your daughter's life, why make it worse for your daughter? I know you want to punish them, but this is not the way to do it. Actually, you need to get past your revenge feelings so you can function with the shared custody and the inevitable contact with your STBX and her new SO. Focus on your daughter's well-being, not your own ill-feelings.<p>Get counseling for yourself right away and go as often as you can afford to. It sounds like you need an outlet to help you release your anger, your resentment, and your confusion. Good luck to you.<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</p>

Thanks for the advice. I have been thinking a lot about my girlfriend and when she comes to visit in June I want to do a lot of talking. I think after getting everything out she will either understand or she will give up. I just want her to know exactly how I feel about the entire situation. <p>I am lonely and I don't know how to stop it except be around other people. So should I stay away from women for the first year or two? I can understand what you are saying, but it seems crazy to just stay out of a relationship because it may go bad. Almost any relationship can go bad. I am not trying to bring down your advice; I am just trying to understand and decide what to do. It is lonely as hell living in my house with no one around.<p>I will never leave my daughter. I couldn't do that. It just kills me to think that this guy helped to break up my marriage and will be able to see my daughter again. That really kills me.