Hi, I have for the last 6 weeks been trying to stop my wife from having an EA (at least as far as I know that's all it is). Yesterday, I made my mind up to explain that I would not be able to go on knowing that she continued to pursue the EA even though she knows how much it is hurting me.
Much as I wanted to resolve things, the continued betrayal is killing me.
The OP is laughing his @ss off as he now has two great women that he is playing, his BS, and my WW. Sadly, I think WW knows he is just using her to fuel his fantasies.
Anyway, no prizes for guessing what WW chose. So now I have won the prize of being alone and trying to rebuild my shattered and empty life. As most of will probably tell me, I did have other choices.
What I want to know is how to move on from here and not look back as I know life must go on.

RM-
I am so sorry for what you are going through - this is a horrible pain, and only someone who has "been there" can truly relate to it.
But the truth is - you are only in the very beginning of this still!
Everyone you meet on this site has heard these same words - and yet, that does not mean the end. She has just taken the first step towards truly finding out what the OM is really like, and bursting the little bubble around their dream world.
It sounds like you have read "Surviving an Affair". I hope so, because that book will help you a lot.
You need to remember that you can only believe about 5% of what she says right now. She is deep in the fog. She thinks that a man who would cheat on his own wife, and carry on with her, a married woman, is her "soul mate" You and I know that his character is questionable at best. But she doesn't know that yet.
You need to Read Read Read. Learn everything you can about the typical script that the WS follows. That way you always know what to expect next.

WOF - Thank you. I am always amazed at how selfish I sound compared to others such as yourself who have the added concern of your childrens welfare. I realise that there are a lot of other people that who are probably suffering far more than myself, but I take strength from what they say.
Having said that, I just got a phone call from WS. When I asked her how she felt about what we spoke of last night, she said that she wasn't sure how she felt about it. She was still digesting it. The chinese water torture continues, although, I think that I have set my course for the short / medium term. I'll keep posting, any good advice you can continue to give (i.e. on how to stay positve) is very welcome.

Thanks RM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

RM:

Bro... My heart goes out to you. Read up on Plan A. I think that has a lot going for it. I would say at this point to back off all relationship talk completely. If she asks a relationship question answer it calmly and directly. Most BS's at this point tend to drive the WS away with all the relationship talk and demands. Get out of her face. Wrap your heart in cotton. Distance yourself emotionally and read everything here. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Another exercise would be to reflect on your part of this and take steps to work on you.

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: HarryS ]</small>

RM,

I've been in your position. Hubby had a very long-term EA with OW. It was horrible and I went through hell trying to reason with him, Plan A him... You name it! Nothing worked.

Someone here (I apologize, I cannot remember who...) talked to me about withdrawal. This was one of the most difficult things that I've ever had to do. I totally removed myself from the relationship and the feeling that I had for my husband. I quit checking up on him, snooping, no longer talked about our M, kids or anything that had to do with US. I basically lived MY life; coexisted side by side with him. I cried to trusted friends, my brother, if I had to, but I no longer let him see or feel my hurt and pain. He had the choice to do whatever he wanted. In the meanwhile, I started planning MY life. I looked at going back to school (which I'm actually going to do in the fall), I looked at apartments, I met with friends, cuddled my dog, babysat friend's children etc. Little by little, I started feeling better and strangely, I almost started looking forward to MY new life. At first I was scared thinking I'd have to start all of again in my early thirties, but then I was like "what the heck". I'm pretty attractive, intelligent, I have a good jobs, good friends... Somehow I'll be fine and things always have a way of working out.

Throughout all of this, my husband seemed start coming out of his fog, the EA became boring because I wasn't fueling the fire anymore with my questions and accusations. It eventually ended and there has been NC for three months now. OW is getting married and I truly hope that she will find happiness. Everyone involved would benefit from this.

I know how much you are hurting, but stop talking with her about your R, your life together etc. Right now, she will not be able to tell you what she wants because she doesn't know. Take care of yourself and live your life. It is extremely difficult, but you can do it.

Keep posting here. People will help you.

Take care
Kati

Oh and one more thing RM.

You cannot stop her. You cannot make her do something she desn't want to do and if you try you will only build resentment in her and strengthen her resolve. Listen to Kati. My WW has told me countless times that she can't deal with the stress I put on her. In many ways it's you that is driving her into his arms. Step back and disengage.

HaryS and Kati, thank you both very much. I wish I were as strong as you. Overnight, I have had a good think about what is hurting me about this situation. If being honest with myself, it's not that WS says she doesn't love me, it's that this nerdy dweeb, two time loser, is about able to sweep WS off her feet. She is chosing him over me, so I think it's my pride that us hurting here. Knowing myself and the way that I am, WS has probably done enough to ensure that I will never trust here again, and trust is a very large part of love to me. It really pains me to know that she will be out with him tonight under the guise of being out with the girls, she really thinks that I am that stupid after I have caught out on several occassions, and continue to do so. My plan A has turned into plan "get the hell out of here" as I explained to her that I am not willing to share her with another person. She graciously accepted my offer and will move out at a mutually agreeable time....

RM:

Cool down man. Just breathe. My WW's OM is a total dweeb as well. I've never said that to her but, but I'm thinking, "OMG! How the mighty have fallen!"

CJ said something recently on my currrent post about it's not how good looking, rich, or funny the OM is. It's about how he makes her feel. Women are all about feeling, us guys are a tad more visual. The OM probably has made her feel special, not because he's such a handsome devil, but because he pays attention to her.

Typically the BS (that's you bro) plays a part in creating an atmosphere where the WS (that's your wife) feels unimportant, ignored, or otherwise less special. This goes on for awhile and it creates an open door for a slimey bastage like the OM to sneak into. Yes, she made the choice and she's responsible for that, but you helped make it easier for her to make the wrong one.

So..... with that in mind address those things that created this atmosphere in the first place. Not with more relationship talk or demands on her, but just you. Work on that Plan A stuff while you can.

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: HarryS ]</small>

Hi HarryS, what you say is so true. As it happens, a I have been given information that indicates the OP has told my WW that he has had several affairs and never been caught. It's easy, and he will coach her. This wans't enough to snap her out of the FOG, WOW, I was dumbstruck! Anyway, it's her funeral, as the more I find out about what she has done and continues to do, the more I realise that I don't really know her and have less respect her.

I didn't try to force my husband. I just didn't answer when he asked for divorce.

After two years, he is still with the woman and they are planning to get married. But I still haven't signed divorce papers. Will be interesting to see how he thinks he can do that!

Thanks for your all your words of encouragement ladies and gents.

I have made a leap of faith and reiterated to WS that I am no longer interested in sharing her with another man, this is not what my marriage vows mean to me.
As a result, I would like to ask if anyone has a prayer or prayers that I can recite to help me get through all of this with a pure heart, my health, my sanity and to ask for forgivness for not being strong enough to continue with the marriage.
Thanks RM

Been a while since i updated this post...
WW is still seeing OP, ans is aware that I am not into sharing her with OP, I didn't see that anywhere in the marriage vows <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Having said that, I went to IMC by myself as she has not arranged the joint sessions that she has been talking about the last week. I guess she has been to busy arranging her spare time to meet OP and sleazy new group of friends as opposed to arranging MC.
Anyway, I have seen to MC's now, and the last one I saw was a 45 - 50year old lady, very direct and very honest. She asked about WS's chilhood, status, work, family and heaps of other stuff. After explaiing the intricacies of the wifes behaviour in regards to the affair, she really hit the nail on the head about my WS and her insecurities and lack of life experience and common sense. She pointed out something that i already knew; My wife has been more concerned about what her friends and the OP's spouse would think about her as opposed to what I have been feeling and thinking. Also at my wifes age, she felt that the Genie had been let out of the bottle and it was going to be hard to put the lid back on the bottle in a hurry. I actually asked her to be brutally honest and not be gentle with me as i prefer this approach.. After all of this, I got the impression that MC felt like grabbing me by the lapels and b1tch slapping me for being such a sap for WS's behaviour and lack of respect towards me about the affair. I though that this was pretty unusual as well pretty cool. She did however say, that the decision about where to from here lies with me and she would help put togethere some strategies for me to g forward when I decided. Have any of you had a similar experience with counselling as the other cousellor was only interested in reconcilling?

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>