I have been having thoughts about my XH lately. I guess they've always been there, but his continued A (OW lives with him) made me continue with the D and see it through. All along he has told me he didn't want the D, that he loves me, and he misses me, and he wants me back. However, he has not done anything to end his A.
A little background:
1. H was physically and verbally abusive
2. H has had many PA's during our M, of which I
only knew about 1, and then of course this
current one.
3. H doesn't work. Never really did. I was the
bread winner.
4. H has no room for God in his life.
5. H put friends and other activies before me
and our S.
6. H had no respect for my job. (I am an ICU
nurse.
7. H had no respect for me.
8. H has no respect for himself.
9. H can't control his anger, he yells and
screams when he doesn't like what I say,
or if things don't go his way
10. Lying comes naturally to him
Sounds bad, huh? But for some reason, I have been thinking a lot about him lately. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I was back in town last weekend for a wedding. (I moved 100 miles away about 3 months ago). He and OW were at the wedding. (See my post "the wedding" in GQII) Anyway, I saw a lot of changes in him. We talk often on the phone, and I can hear the changes in him. However, I am in no way ready for what he is proposing.
He wants to move to the town I live in. Actually, he wants to move in with me. He promises to get a job, to attend counseling, and to attend church with me. He says he wants to start over, to make things right, to prove to me that he can be what I need him to be.
I still love my XH. I would love nothing more than what he is saying to work. But I am so scared that it won't, and then I will have to live the heartache of the last year all over again. How will I learn to trust him? How will I know he won't lie to me? And how can I be sure he just wants me back for financial reasons?
The thing is, since this wedding, I have been thinking about him non-stop. I miss him more than I have in a long time. I dream about him. I miss the good things about us, like the way we could talk about anything, the way I felt so comfortable with him, and now how I can actually speak my mind and he doesn't yell and scream at me.
It's not that I'm lonely. Because I am not. I am not involved with anyone else, but I am not lonely. I am very content with who I am right now. I enjoy being able to do what I want when I want.
Is this normal? I know I should hate him for what he's put me through, but I don't. I have learned to forgive him, and myself...because I truly believe it takes two to break a M as well as make a M. And in all honesty, we actually get a long better than we ever did, partly because I don't let him walk all over me, and I am finally getting the respect from him that I've deserved all along.
He won't leave OW right now because he is not working and she is paying the bills. I've told him he could move here, get his own place, and get a job, and we could date. But I don't want to just jump right back in and pretend the last year didn't happen. We are divorced because of it!
I'm just confused. But finding myself falling in love with him again. And I don't know why.
