My husband and I met in Mar 02 and marrired in June 02 along with buying a house and accepting his 9 y/o son every other week. By Oct that year my husbands exwife started up with her issues about me taking care of the son. So by Jan 2003 our marriage was no longer a priority - the attorneys and the court system were.
Retrospectively our marriage suffered deeply from all of this and it did not stop till Feb of this year. By this time my husband and I were arguing all the time and it only got worse.
AT this time my husband was complaining to all his friends about our arguing and fights and they basically told him to "sh*# or get of the pot".
On the evening of MAy 27th, I came home from work and noticed he took the files from the cabinet pertaining to him and his son. As you can figure out, it ended up in a major verbal fight and a push and shove event. He spend the rest of the weekend at his parents then suddenly showed up on Sunday (May 30th) and took almost everything out of the house. I was emotionally and physically crushed!!!
On July 8th, I received divorce papers in the mail. When I looked them over I can see that his signing and the time I received the papers were all done after we had arguements.
This is really killing me emotionally. This is my first marriage and his second. I can see know that he is letting his feelings run his actions instead of using reational thinking. Plus I feel for his son becasue I know he misses his home, his friends, and me.
Through out the last month in a half he has stated that he misses me and etc, he is afraid of moving back then having to move out again, and recently made the statement, "I sorry that it has come this because I care for you and I love you..." He did finally communicate last week a "few" issues that he felt what was wrong or what were some of his issues in our relationship. Even last week he ended our conversation asking if we can get together later to discusse this further because I was at work and he was driving to work. I told him sure, and call me next week (now this week) when he doesn't have his son. I am sure you all can figure it out that he still has not called.
Now, I am reading a few books that say to make myself happy and start to go out with friend and etc and to even start dating. Right now just thinking about dating another person makes me sick. I have my good days but it seem the emotional effects from my bad days overtake my thinking. when I go to work I can only think of him, when I am at home I can only think of him, whenI go out with friends I can only think of him. I have lost 30 pounds from all this and I just want to cry all the time.
I have retained an attorney and have told her of my feeling and etc. She believes that we have workable issue and she will be taking her time. I have two more weeks to rply back to his attorney and I am dreading going through this.
I have used the techniques of agreeing with him to de-escalate some of our conversation and it has worked. But I haven't heard from him and I am unsure if I should call becasue he made the statement for us to get together and talk and I told him already to call me. I really do not want this divorce because we have a beautiful home, animals, great neighbors and etc.
How do I continue to handle all of this.
Anyone who can help would be greatly appreciated!!!

Ok, he's willing to talk with you.

Pick a neutral site. Not your place. Not his.

Have you read up on Plan A?

Go over to the emotional needs board. The top thread on the board is made up of links and articles. All sorts of things that might be helpful.

Whatever you do, remember that you are married. And treat him with respect. It sounds like you want him back and he won't be interested in a disrespectful, uncourteous woman who is too needy.

Consider talking to your doctor. If you have lost 30 pounds through all this, you are probably depressed. The doctor can help with that. You can't function as well at home or at work if you are chemically depressed.

Do that as your first step in taking care of you.

If you are a bloody, pulpy mess, you are in no shape to work on your marriage. You need to work on yourself first.

Date? You're still married. Ignore those books for now.

I'd vote for don't call him. Get a lawyer of your own and contest the divorce. that will slow the whole thing down. Request a mediator. In my state you can ask the judge to require teh two of you to go to counseling.

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs? If not go to your library today and get a copy. Read it tonight. Tomorrow read LoveBusters. These concepts are a big part of Plan A.

Follow Plan A. It works. My husband was emotionally withdrawn from the marriage. He may have had a couple of flings. I knew we were headed for divorce. I started Plan A, and by the end of plan A, my husband was in lvoe with me.

Unfortunately, since he thought all this was hogwash, and continued his own behavior, I was out of love with him.

Dear Cinderella and Greengables,
I did speak with my husband earlier tonight (yes I was the wimp who called him) and we may meet up tomorrow evening (Sunday). I say may meet because he has golf in the morn and then going to a baseball game in the afternoon. I mentined to him that he may be tired after a full day and he basically said not to worry about it. Aso in this conversation, all he can revert back to is our arguing. I just see this as an excuse for him. I so badly want to tell him that he will be a significant loser in this divorce (he will too), but I can't.
Anyhow, both of you have mentioned about reading "Part A". Can you please let me know where this referrance is? Is it in the His Needs/Her Needs book? I will head to the library or bookstore tomorrow and check it out.
After reading both of yor very supportive replies I am now thinking about cancelling tomorrow.
I do agree I do need to get myself together, however, many things just have not been going my way. After my husband leaving, then getting the divorce paperwork, July 3rd got into a car accident, and now my grandmother is very ill (and I am the medical person in the family.)
I can not thank both of yo for your guidance so far.
Anyhow, I hope to here from you both again.

I think Cinderella and GG gave you great advice. You should read up on the articles and material available on this website. Here is a link on Plan A to start you off: What are Plan A & B?

There are other articles and Q&A sections which I suggest you read, including some on "Resolving Conflicts". These are available here and now, so use them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have either of you seen a marriage counselor? When arguments tend to escalate and there is anger, a neutral third party (esp. one who is trained in this) can help. Also, Steve or Jennifer Harley (here on this site, via phone) are excellent. There may be someone local who you could see, too...

And don't even think about dating - you are married! If you want to work on your marriage, and convince your husband that's what you want, dating will show him the opposite.

<small>[ July 25, 2004, 05:08 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Well here is my update:
When my husband was suppose to call to get together and talk - well he did not call all week. So on Saturday I called and we had a semi-decent conversation. He said he married me for me... well then later on in the conversation he stated how he has issues about taking money out of our account (its a joint checking account) because I make more money and he didnt feel like he could becasue it wasn't his and etc. I explained that if that is an issue it is resolvable because we could just put that in our budget for him to get cash whenever (I did all the financing.) Then he said that we can get together tomorrow (Sunday) in the l;ate afternoon between 5-6pm. Well, I got home about 5:15pm and had dinner with my neighbors - NO CALL.
Then yesturday (Tuesday) I spoek with my attorney who has had a call into his attorney regarding our reply to his divorce papers. To date there still has been no call back from his attorney. Does anybody think that this is a game. I am starting to think it is.
Meanwhile, I am working to make the house payment and all the other bills, taking care of the house and yard, the animals and etc. Plus in addition to my 30 pounds I have already lost since all this has happened, last night my sister makes a comment about my wight loss and if I have most more. I said I didn't know. Low and behold - 5 more pounds gone. Now I thought I was doing better, especially going out with friend and really making an effort to make my self happy (next month I am signed up for scuba diving lessons). Friday I will be at the doctors and see what happens.
Can anyone give any advice on what is going through his head, especially if you have read my previous post!
LET ME KNOW!!!!