Hi,

My wife and I have been drifting apart for sometime now. Off late its become very painful and
we sat and spoke about this in detail yesterday
and today. Three days back I found some emails which were very disturbing to me and that made me
loose all the trust i have for her. We seem to think that getting a divorce
is the right thing to do now.

I still love her a lot and am willing to work through the marriage. She still seems to think that it will not work. the thought of a divorce is very painful for me.

Wanted to know if its a good idea to see a
counseler and to see if we can work things out?
Are there any in the MA/Boston area?

So, is your wife having an affair?

By the way, welcome to marriagebuilders.

hi,

Thanks for the welcome. It seems like. I confronted her with this and thats when we started talking about the marriage. She seems to be filled with remorse about the affair. She seems to think that she expects certain things from me which isnt my personality. and doesnt think one can change. Also the fact that its going to take a long time for me to trust her,
she thinks we may never be able to work out the
marriage.

I still want to give it a chance if possible and
was looking for help/options

First, a question, zaphod - do you know Ford and Trillion, not to mention Marvin?

Counseling, oh YEAH. Make that a BIG YEAH. I would recommend it.

But I see marriage as a bit like a car. When it is not working, you take it to the mechanic. If the only parts on the mechanic's shelves are broken, putting them in the non-working car won't help.

Well, the marriage is the car. The counselor is the mechanic. The parts are the people.

If you just try to work on the marriage without working on the people, it won't fix anything.

A good counseling scenario is to find out what is wrong with the marriage. Identify the needs and failures in the marriage. Then work on the partners so that they know what they need to change. When the partners understand who they are as individuals, what their strengths and weaknesses are, when the learn to communicate, THEN you can make progress on fixing things.

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

Yes, Ford doing fine andd Trillian is away ... trying yo fix the Heart of Gold...

I agree with you. I think its the people who are
important in the relationship. The thing which i
dont understand is this... I know that my wife and
I are not in a good marriage, so does she. We spoke about what we saw in each other which was
the cause of the drift. Last night when we spoke
she said that she loves me but is not in love with me. The thing which i sometimes find it hard is that if in her mind she know's that its not possible for me to change what she thinks is need for this to work, how would you be able to give an honest effort to get your marriage back on track?

I've told her that i'm willing to give it a 100%. At the same time she should be willing to be open
to the fact.

Again if divorce is imminent, how does one cope
with life after? family? friends?

Zaphod, right now you don't worry about the future. Right now you read all over this sight. Clearly your w has some emotional needs you haven't been meeting.

Have the two of you done the EN questionnaire?

Go over to the EN board and look at the thread posted at the very top of the list. You should get a lot of information if you check out the links listed there.

Also, if you think your wife is having an affair, the Infidelity section of the board might be a good place for additional information.

But, for now, you don't worry about how you deal with life after divorce. Because that may be something you will never need to figure out.

Thanks for the reply. I dont think that my wife is
actually having an affair, just the start of one. I think over the last couple of days/week we've made progress in communicating and what the stigma
actually is.

You are right, I definitely am not fulfilling
one or more of her emotional needs. just started reading the emotional needs articles. It is proving very helpful in actually understanding and
trying to change what I havent been providing my W.

Am planning to
tell her about the site and try to take the
questionaire with her.

I hope am taking the step in the right direction.

slowing am learning the jargon on the site as well (w - wife etc)...

Go to that link. You should find something about abbreviations there.

If you think your wife is not having an affair, it could be that she is having an EA (emotional affair) which can exist alone or can lead to a PA (physical affair). Emotional affairs can break up marriages just as effectively as PAs.

Counseling is always a good idea if they will agree to it. If nothing else get some help for yourself. I'm in the same boat. H wants divorce I don't but he doesn't want to work on it. Good luck

I think i agree with you about the EA. W doesnt
think it would work even if we work on it. We spoke about it and thought that maybe a little space/separation would be good.

What I fail to understand is that if being together didnt help how would separation help?

Trying to find a consuler in the greater boston area. Does anyone know of any? places where i can
look for (other than the yello pages)