Here I am, one week from my WW moving out and 10 days from the DV being final. My friends have revealed much to me: W had another A in Med school, W disparaged me for years as inattentive, fat, and boring. She has characterized me as unstable in order to justify DV. Yet...

The 20 years we were together were happy FOR ME. I experienced a relationship with its requisite ups and downs. I never condidered another partner. Our children were blessings and our routines comforting. I was sooo blind!

Now, I have joint custody, the house, and enough money after refinacing to pay all my debts (she took hers in the settlement). I'm fit (lost 70 lbs) and have the respect and sympathy of my entire circle of friends and colleagues. Life on the surface looks good. The betrayer is going away, with her OM and her dreams, leaving me to build a life where I can feel respected. So WHY DO I WANT HER BACK???

What should I be doing now? Plan A? B? Letting go? All say she is not worth it, but who is not worth forgiveness or faith? Perhaps if I go dark for some months, I'll get the perspective I need. Thoughts?

dleightonc:

Well, all I can tell you is what I did.....
Yes, basically, I went into what could be called a "Modified Plan B" after div. I call it modified b/c - in all honesty, Plan B NO LONGER APPLIES once you are div'd!

Legally, you are not "one entity" any more. Her
"affairs" (pun intended) are not your concern any more. Your "business" is not her concern any more. That means you must PULL BACK, get involved in your own life, live your own life, and leave her to herself.

That's also exactly what I did. I had passwords to all xH's accounts, and I used to check them all the time. It told me what he was spending, and on what he was spending it. I knew when he (and ow) went out of town, and where they went, etc.

It didn't give me peace. it didn't help me heal. If anything, it tormented me to know all those details. Soooo, once we were legally div'd, I MADE myself stop looking at that stuff. After all, he was "free" then, to do whatever he wanted, with whoever he wanted to. I really didn't have the legal "right" to look at his bank statements or CC statements. I couldn't WILL him back, or sneak or peek, even talk to him about anything! He wasn't listening, and he had "gone on with his life." Period.

What to do? GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!

Why do you want her back? Oh, that's an easy one to answer........b/c you still love her!! B/c she's the mother of your children, concieved in love, and dreamt of with thoughts of watching them grow up together, of growing old together, etc. Now you feel like all those dreams are forever gone.

What should you be doing now?
I used to think Plan B was the right thing. BUT, Plan B is all about separating to preserve the love you have left for WS, so this truly isn't a "Pure Plan B." But since you still do have love for her, you must ACT LIKE you are in Plan B. I mean, you're sort of IN a Plan B. There is NO contact, except that laid out by the div. decree........and you should just spend this "alone" time working on improving YOU!

And let her go. Once the div. is finalized, she's not "part of your life" anymore (except for circumstances dealing with the children).

If the time ever comes when you will reconcile, you'll be a better man, a better H. This "alone time" will also make you a better father for your children. THAT's a positive thing you can take away from this devastation right now.

As far as forgiveness and faith, each of us must walk that road alone, and come to that conclusion between us and God. I wish you well in your "quest" to find your path. This ain't an easy path to take. It just hurts all the way down to your core, doesn't it?

God Bless,

Grieve so that you can heal. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice.

Hugs,
Anne

My best advice is to let it go. You can't predict the future, but right now your marriage is ending. Accept it, grieve it, let it go, and focus on your new life.

It is tough, but by letting it go and focusing on you it will get easier and you will be a better person for it. Only God knows what will happen, but for now do yourself a favor let her go and take things one day at a time.

Focus on the positives in your life and shut out the thoughts of your wife. Difficult, definately. Impossible, absolutely not. You will find with each day it will get easier and you will discover a wonderful new friend - YOU. By letting go and finding yourself you will find the strength you need to survive this.

Take care and God bless!
K

i am struck with what all heer have said- create your own space, your own life, this is a very sad processs and allow yourself the grief of it. if it is meant to be that you have a chance to get back together, then maybe once you have both re-established yourselves as your individual selves, you may both have some new perspective to bring to a new relationship of caring for each other. this is the modified plan b part of it, i guess. i would think, though, that it would not be a positive thing for you to go about setting up your new life thinking that getting back together is the goal or expected outcome. you need to accept that it may not happen, but consider allowing it to happen if it ever feels right. i am new to this odyssey, but all this input seems to reflect what i have been learning. i thank you all for posting a question/topic and replies that can help me, too.
i am actually looking forward to a life i can shape more positively without the weight of negativity i have with my spouse, and i think it will have a more positive outcome for the same reasons for the kids. maybe you can find some solace in that hope.

hummmm...

<disengages from current sit and spins back to the mind I had when my first marriage went bust>

dleightonc:

Might as well start now. I'll tell you what I did when my first wife ended my marriage. I locked the doors, closed the windows and unplugged the phone. I went on leave from my job and told my family I was going away.

Then....

I cried, I got mad, I hit the walls and screamed bloody murder. When exhausted from this I slept and when I awoke I did it again. I grieved and lamented. I sobbed and cursed God. For 3 days (or thereabouts) I did this. No contact with the outside world and very little to eat and sleep.

After I felt I couldn't shed another tear I packed up my car with a tent, sleeping bag, lantern and a bible (a new fresh one) and drove to the woods. I camped and fasted. I drank water but nothing else. This was in August which here in Texas is a might warm. I randomly read through the bible praying to God to send me answers. I found a few crumbs, but after 2 days I was still lost. I took walks through the woods praying outloud for something anything to bring me peace.

On the afternoon of the 3rd day I had what I call my Moses experience. I was sitting down reading. There was a brief shower about an hour before and things were so steamy. The air was so oppressive and there was a haze that made things look slightly out of focus.

Then all of the sudden it seemed like I felt a 'twang' like a rubberband popping. I looked up and everything felt frozen in time. There was absolutely no sound or movement of any kind. I felt a presence. I didn't see anything, but felt something was directly in front of me. Some sense in me knew for certain that something was there. I felt this presence move closer to me, though I followed it with my eyes my other senses knew exactly where it was. It came around behind me and paused, then embraced me.

I can't explain the feeling exactly, but it felt like a dam had burst within me. I looked up and joy and peace filled me as fully as the doubt and pain had. I felt healed in all ways. Slowly the presence faded, but the feelings remained. Then as suddenly as it came the 'twang' came again. The world seemed to return, but in a different way. The air was crisp and clean, a breeze came up and cooled things down considerably. I sat there for I don't know how long as time didn't seem to have any meaning in that place. I took in the world and reveled in my inner peace.

This experience is as clear in my mind as it was 12 years ago when it happened. It's had many affects on my life and my relationship with God. In keeping with that situation I was in at the time it showed me that there is much more to life than the here and the now.

Seek your peace.... heal yourself.

bmp

Moving on will be hard. Our families are close, we share a large circle of friends and our children are small. She wants to be "Partnered Pals" as parents. We go to the same church,etc. In short she wants to keep the friendship and lose the intimacy. She even told the OM that he must accept me if their R was to continue.

How can I handle that? I feel I need some space in order to not be angry w/ her. I have long term hopes for us but can't act on any of that now while the drama is still unfolding. I want my W to BE DIVORCED, since that was her wish. She shouldn't have her cake and eat it too, even if it's for the kids, right?

I think you need to work on your own boundaries with her. What scares you the most at this time? What is it that makes you start to panic? I am going to guess that one thing is her declaration that OM must get along with you or her R with him is over. If my EX had said something like that I would have freaked out - he always wanted me to be friends with her - and it was never gonna happen. He wanted me to tell his family that she was "OK" and that they should go ahead and except her - he said the only way our family and friends would accept her was if I told them it was ok with me - I told him no way. I said that it was not my job to make everyone else accept her. That people can make their own decisons.
Your WW needs to know what your rules are. You do get to have some say in all this!
Most of us here are in the same position as you - I know I was. Family, friends, church, you name it. Same scenario. Basically, if the OW was with him, he avoided me and the rest of our family and friends. He would come to sons games, but sit somewhere else. If she wasn't with him, he would sit with me, and our friends. People would ask me how they were supposed to react. I said "well, as long as OW is not there, I don't mind having him sit with me, and I apprecaite the fact that you all are still kind to him. He may need your support some day". So people were friendly to him - as long as she wasn't there. But as soon as she would show up, suddenly they would quit talking to him.
After all, our church friends were never going to accept that adultrous realtionship.
Now that OW is gone he is starting to reform some friendships. Not everyone is willing to make amends with him. Some people are too upset with the whole thing. But that is ok. That is part of the process for him.
I suspect you may be projecting too much into the future. You are probably wondering what you will do if XY and Z happen. What about Holidays, what about if she actauly marries him......that sort of thinking will put you into a panic. Try to focus on today only - not easy, I know. But try. Because you truly do not know what tomorrow will bring. A lot can happen in a day. Last Christmas my WH was angry with ME because his family would not allow OW to come to dinner. I was there, with our boys, but he could not bring OW. So he came, and pouted, and talked to her on cell phone all day.
Then he called me into the garage and screamed at me that OW was going to be invited next Christmas, and I had better just get over it. That I was going to have to tell his family to invite her. I told him that it was not my job to make his family accept OW - that was just too much to ask of me. I appeared very calm. I fell apart later. I figured I would sepnd the next Christmas alone. Taht I would have to send my boys to grammas - but I would have to stay home, because OW would be there and I would not be welcome any longer.
Well guess what - they aren't together anymore. She threw him out in May. I did not need to worry about Christmas after all.
I have a feeling you are going to discover the same to be true for you.