I am never going to learn to step out of the way of the speeding truck...I just know it.

My stbxh is verbally abusive, destructive and has a history of chronic unemployment (not that he cares). He is also a compulsive liar and has cheated with a stripper---it didn't count because we were separated according to him.

He moved out in February by mutual agreement. At first he called every day, how are you, I hope we can work things out, when I come home, blah blah blah. As time has gone by, however, the calls have become less frequent, he made a COMPLETE [censored] of himself by throwing a temper tantrum at the MC office---it was a really great way not to have to go again. He never says 'I love you...I need you...I want to be with you.' In fact, I am thinking-since he hasn't said anything different-that perhaps he has moved on and is exploring other pastures.

So I have decided to file for divorce. There has been so much cruelty, disrepect (I must admit I am guilty of this as well) and crap that I see no hope for a future for us. I called him tonight to tell him I will be filing in a day or so. He is so surprised? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> In the last 5 months he has avoided any attempt to address issues and so have I, just to keep communication open.

After much talking and crying tonight, I just blurted out "I wish you'd come and be with me tonight." What does my loving husband who still (according to him) hopes to work our issue out tell me? "I have heartburn and my allergies are acting up. Maybe I can come over next Saturday."
WTF? I needed him tonight...I can't reliably plan my next emotional breakdown for next Saturday...I might actually have a GOOD day for a change. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Why, oh, why can I not keep my dignity and not let my emotions make a fool of me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I should have listened to my friend and just filed without telling him...but NOOOOOO. I thought it would only be the decent thing to do. How do you spell 'schmuck'???

Bummer! I know it's no fun.

Could you have also had a PMS day? I know I had one today and it was NO fun. I hate it when I have the hormone crazies - insanity once a month is no fun.

So, he didn't want to be there for you? If he's been gone since February and he is making no attempt to play a part in restoration of the marriage, maybe you are supposed to listen. I know I might have been better off to listen to that message sooner rather than later. But I held out until things got so bad I was clinically depressed for the second time - and on anti-d med for second time. Had been in the dr office for a malady that was, seemingly, stress related. And then was back in there having an EKG - just due to stress.

How bad does it have to get before you seek sanity? If he causes insanity, what can you do to counterbalance it? To find sanity?

franklymydears - I think that I see my own mistakes in your posting. My problem also is being to open / honest with the WW and showing that I am still a little to keen.
Everytime WS get's a bit nervous about what I am thinking / doing(i.e. show any independance or signs of moving on), WW starts a dialogue and I tell her my every thought, which inturn makes her feel better and she can go back to being her lying, deceitful self. I then end up feeling cr@p for falling into the same trap.
I have noticed that when I make my own plans, and start to show that I can get by with or without her sorry lying @ss, that it shocks WS into thinking that she could loose what we have and she wants to talk and be friends. One of the conditions for me to even consider patching things up is that we attend MC together. She has resisted so far, hence my move away from trying to reconcile with her. Some things that have helped me listed below in no particular order.
1. Make sure that you surround yourself with good people, who know your situation and you can call on when you are feeling low.
2. Stop relying on WS, as you are only setting yourself up for more hurt at this stage.
3. Take care of yourself (eat well, exercise, etc).
4. Try to keep yourself busy with friends and or activities. Sitting around on your own is a killer (well it was / is for me)
5. See a good Counsellor and read the all books that people on this site recommend
Sorry for the long posting...
Chin up, I am rooting for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Hi FMD. I normally don't post anywhere else other than 'The Kingdom' Of Caerlon, but I remember you from last year. I sympathize with you, my friend.
Verbal abuse? O yes, how well I can relate to how low it makes you feel.
You deserve better than that! It hurts bad when you have to do the 'D' but believe me, you will feel better when YOU are in charge of yourself and you don't have some moron slamming you at every step.
You are in my prayers, my friend!
Sincerely, Harold (TDL)

thank you all so much. You guys have always been there when I needed you and for that I am eternally grateful.

My morning started much better...the weather is just gorgeous, isn't it, Harold? So cool and clear...I almost couldn't force myself off the highway into work this morning...I just wanted to keep driving and driving. I heard from a couple of friends thru email...and it was nice to know I'm loved.

My stbx is an immature moron but sometimes in the dark of night, your brain lies to you and says anybody is better than nobody. Thank God for the sobering light of day.

Love you all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> sometimes in the dark of night, your brain lies to you and says anybody is better than nobody </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A former 12-step glutton has had the same "brain fart", they don't last long and aren't permanent! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: Ragamuffin ]</small>

FMD,

First, HI!! I remember you and I'm sorry to see you're still struggling with your verbal abuser. It's SO HARD, isn't it?

If you remember, my story has some similarities to yours--my exH reminds me so much of your H! My exH did not want to work on the M at all either, was continuously cheating on and off the internet, etc. but was "sad" and "hurt" when I finally filed for D. At the time I remember thinking, "Why? It's not as if you care," and it sure seemed at the time as if his actions indicated that he did not care! Now I think I may know why: in a bizzaro-world kind of way, he was getting his needs met. He had a verbal bunching bag, someone he could blame for his issues and choices, a live-in babysitter and maid, and on-call sex whenever he couldn't find it anywhere else and decided to throw me a bone. I don't mean this mean, but he had what he wanted...why would he want a divorce?? And since that kind of set-up was working for him, he actually was "sad" and "hurt" that I didn't want to continue!!

Twisted, isn't it?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Now, regarding the 12 Step Program and blurting out "I wish you'd come and be with me tonight"--don't be too hard on yourself. Think about it FMD, you didn't want the real him. In your head you know that the REAL H is abusive, overpowering, demanding, self-centered, uncaring and destrucive. You wanted the illusion of him that you used to think you had--the man who loved you and cared about you and wanted to be with you. And in your head, you know that man is a MIRAGE...not the real guy who you blurted out to who is verbally abusive. Right?

Sooo...

This meeting of Verbal Abuse-Anon is called to order. Hi, I'm Cindy and I'm a codependent of a verbal abuser!

Step one: we admit we are powerless over verbal abuse and can not control our abusers....


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


CJ

Hi FMD! And thank you for remembering me - yeah, the weather here is, like, so UNLIKE Texas this time of year. It only got up to 75 yesterday and today it reached 80, I think.
Verbal Abusers - that totally sucks, and yes, the Verbal Abuser most definitely has 'Brain Farts' for sure!
The 12 Rules... I know them because my dear Mother-In-Law (God rest her Soul) was a faithful member of AA for 35 years before she passed away last week. We just got back from Sacramento to wrap up her FInal Affairs.
Now, please don't think I'm trying to garner a bunch of 'O woe is me' stuff; I wanted to add to this if I may, in her Honor and Memory... the
"12 Rules Of AA" - and please, make the necessary changes to them in this Thread if you will, example, replace 'alcoholic' with 'Verbal Abuser' etc....
That being said... here they are!
*************************************
-We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

-Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

-Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

-Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

-Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to anotehr human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

-Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

-Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
-Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

-Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

-Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

-Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only
for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

-Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
****************************
TDL

I will add to all your replies and say that I have been battered for a long time as well. My ex has been a pro at abuse. I always did the same thing. I lay all my cards on the table. I'm honest, helpful and always trying to meet his emotional needs but of course I do not have any needs (unless I make an apointment).

Your recent display in smuckdom (is that a word?) is probably a blessing, he has yet again proven that he is the one who is uncaring. In reality, he is the one with the problem. No matter what his words are in the MC's office, in reality he means none of it. Now you know for sure and thankfully you will not need to wonder what things would have been like if you had "just tried a little harder." Thank God for obvious decisions, it leaves little room for regret (at least on that score--you still have broken dreams to deal with).

Keep smiling at little things: bubble baths, reading a good book, going to the movies with a good friend, etc. There really are a lot of them if you look. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I wouldn't say anybody posting here is a 'smuck' other than the Verbal Abuser. If I recall it right, a smuck is one who does the hurting and is the [censored].
You, FMD were only trying to preserve your Marriage to a smuck. You are guilty of only 'Love in the first degree' of loving your mate and when you had enough, you had to let him go because he was nothing but harmful to you and your Marriage.
I had to do the same thing. I know how it feels.
Let me say this: You WILL feel much better and for sure, you will be much better off without someone like that in your life to screw it all up and constantly make you feel about .000003 inches high...
Nobody needs to be treated like that. Nobody at all.
I sincerely wish you the very best in your NEW life w/o him in it to ruin it for you.
God bless,
Harold (TDL)

Thank you for your definition. I probably should have thought it through. I was not trying to insult the innocent.

I believe you can heal in this life. It does take time. And there are some things you cannot get back. However, you can be happy again and you can accept that bad things happen but they are behind you.

I am always encouraged by hero stories of people who loose limbs but keep doing what they love--with a flare. We can too. We have lost our first husbands or wives but we can love--with a flare. Love comes from the heart and as long as it is beating we can do that!