edited.

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

How about I continue to divorce my husband, but date him as he wishes?
Why?

Now, he claims he’s paid $7,000 more than me for the girls since our separation, and didn’t want to pay for any summer stuff.
If he didn't want to pay for it, he wouldn't have paid for it.

Are you keeping a meticulous logbook of everything he spends fo rthe kids?

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I have no idea, Chris. Isn't that fascinating?

I feel like I ought to because he wants me to. That's the story of my life. Somehow deep ingrained in me is that it's my job to make other people happy. And I try to do it, often sacrficing what I want and what would make me happy in order to make those I care about happy. With most people, I have no regrets because this pays me back in spades. With two or three people, I find all this does is build resentment. They have proven that they really aren't willing to give up anything that harms me.

Anywho... I think my Giver wants to give. Probably I get some kind of self-conscious power trip off of doing what others want me to do.

Somewhere I must see some sort of benefit, right?

I haven't kept a log, but I have my cancelled checks and I've asked him for his. I said that I wanted to be fair, and we should both look up our records, make copies and exchange them. After all, if he's right, I'll give him $3500 to make it square.

As for the summer stuff, he's only paid 2 weeks of camp. I've paid all the rest, most were more expensive.

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

GG:

We're all so smart till it comes to our own stuff. Curb that giver to the ones that always take.


(looks at self, say's to self, "Self! this is about her, not you", self sulks and says,"Yeah Right")

GG-
I'm in the same boat as you - and it isn't a Carnival Fun ship cruise!

My ex wants to date me - prepared dinner for me the other night, says that he realizes he made a mistake, never should have left, etc. I feel bad for him. I feel like I could somehow "save" him, if only I let him back in. But I didn't want him back. So I have been beating myself up for the past couple of weeks. After all, no one could beat me up better than myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
For me - I was finally able to "get over it" when I realized that he is actively pursuing other women. I do not know what his agenda is. I think that he does want to make things work with me - but just in case it doesn't happen - he wants to have someone else waiting for him. That man can not stand to be alone.
I have found his profile on Match.com - and he is active on there everyday.
Also, he has told some of our mututal friends that he likes the apartment building he lives in because he can meet hot women at the pool.
So, I guess my advice to you is this:
look deeper - do his actions match his words?
And ask yourself if this man is someone you would even want to date anymore.
Ugh
don't you hate this stuff??

Greengables---I was really able to relate to your die-hard desire to please and give to others who don't give back. I found my answer to my similar inclinations in a book called Women Who Love Too Much by R. Norwood.

Some excerpts:
"For WWLTM, a sense of worth comes from carrying the responsibilities, taking care of others and sacrificing her own wants and needs. WWLTM are willing to take more responsibility than the addicted/dysfunctional spouse is in initiating the relationship and keeping it going. WWLTM don't know who they are withoug someone to help or some suffering to endure. WWLTM think they can love the sicko to change and then love them back. WWLTM want to love their partner into becoming well."

"Why is it so difficult to stop bad relationships, to let go of the partner who is dragging you through all the painful steps of this destructive dance? Rule of thumb, the more difficult it is to end a relationship that is bad for you, the more elements of the childhood struggle it contains......"

"Totally unaccustomed to assessing ways of securing her own well-being but expert in promoting the well-being of others, WWLTM move into the relationships that held the promise of another opportunity to make everything right for another through the force of her love."

This describes me to a tee.....I spent my life living through and getting my energy from the problem "child" in my life. I was obsessed with fixing him so that he would eventually love me like I loved him.....if anything here you can relate to, I suggest you read this book. It was so freeing for me to realize why I put so much into my failing marriage.

Hope this helps
TW

Not just men, tossed wave. But, boy, do I see myself in some parts!

GG,

Who say's you have to date him for there to be some sort of relationship.

The only reason I see you considering dating him is because that's how he wants the relationship to be.

How do you want it to be?

You can still be a giver without giving everything. He wants to date! You Counter offer with something you are more comfortable with. Dinner together with the kids or something.

I would love it if W and I could date again but I know she doesn't want that. We do still have a relationship but it is as a Mother and Father who do their best to get along so our kids don't grow up with mommy and daddy hating each other.

WIWH

OK GG, here's a different spin for ya.

1. Keep friendship between you and STBX. Why? Because of your girls! Not only because of your girls, but this man is someone you've known for a long time, someone whom knows you, what more could you ask in a friend?

2. Dates are FINE! They are fun, they keep you two talking friendly, and hell, make him pay for it! Take a little instead of giving so much.

3. Everything you two "agree" on should be in writing and you should both sign it. Then you wouldn't have to worry about he said/she said when it goes to court.

4. There's nothing wrong with being a giver! I'm one too (so I guess I'm biased!). I still feed my miserable lying H, I still buy him gifts at holiday times. Doesn't mean I want him back...I will always care about his silly backside as long as we're both alive. We're working on "friends." Hard to get there.
I'm actually truely sorry that he's going to be financially ruined because he left me.

Doesn't mean I'm giving in though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You have to do something that you're probably not used to, or have NEVER done if you're anything like me. You have to think about yourself! What would make you happy? If going out for dinner and a movie with him would be fun, a great time, do it! If he's going to corner you and blah blah blah until you cry, well you know him best, don't do it.

It's all up to you girl! Go for it!

Date him?

No way. Terminate and go forward. Get your just termination. Look for new relationships that will make you a new person no longer dependent on him. Thw future is great without him, tell him so.

Dear GG,

Maybe the better question is why am I even considering dating him?

Do you want to date him?

Tell us...

Why do I care if that&#8217;s what he wants?

Tell us...

More importantly what do you care about and what do you want?

Why do I want to gratify him?[/B]

Tell us...

Better question does HE GRATIFY you?

I am concerned about his motives-- it's your call, does he want power, dominance and control?

If he has access to you will he hurt and harm you all over again???

Of course you don't have to answer my questions, on the board but questions to stimulate of what you really want, your needs, your children. Only you know best here.

Foremost, it not all about him, his needs and wants. It's about you being respected, cherished, valued and your kids.

Sky Diver, Very good points. I'll post answers later.

WishIWhereHome, I got the email. You had the one arguement guaranteed to prevent me from dating him.