I had a strange relationship with my husband, Brian. I posted here years ago in the midst of our angst and everyone told me to trust him or leave him. I love him. But, With the advice I recieved here and from friends and a chaplain, I gave him the ultimatum of going to marriage counceling weekly or divorcing. I told him I could no longer live with not being able to go out of the house on errands or work without worring if there's be a girl on my phone, computer or bed while I was gone. He went 2x to counceling...then said nothing was going to change, and that he wasn't ready for marriage and he just wanted to try it out...and some crap about not wanting to drag me down with him (though I assured him that it was my choice, and that saying things like that only made me want to fight for "us")..so he diverted the conversation back to wanting divorce.
My "point"...2 years next month we seperated. I am 25..26 this Dec. I have lived with my parents since, while trying to finish my stupid Bachelor's degree (i got my associates 2mths ago) but am hoping to move out Aug or Sept. I DO NOT want to reach the 2 yr point. He has moved on. He moved to Alaska (we lived in Louisiana) and has a whole new world --and undoubtedly a bazillion illegiatmate kiddos. I however have gone out with 1 guy for like a month- very unseriously- and had a 1 night stand with another who I didn't even find attractive...and those were over a year ago.
I loved him. I wish I could seperate the porn-addicted-gross side of him and the side that obviously did not respect me or find me attractive from the cool guy I fell in love with.
I think miss him--but am not sure if it's just because I am lonely and haven't dated much or id it is truly him.
It was me who said I never wanted to see him ever again (he hurt me deeper than words can explain). He was sad about it, but here we are..almost 2 years of seperation next month--have not spoken except thru lawyers (he seemed hesitant, or sad about choosing divorce...though I wasn't sure if he was playing me or just sad...)...but I got the divorce papers to the day of our 6 month seperation (LA laws--6mth speration b4 divorce papers could be filed) so I figured he actually did despise me.
Rambling aside...how do things work out this way? I was always the smart, beautiful one in the family. The over-acheiver. Now, here I am.. the 1st in my family to be divorced, overwieght, diseased..and 25 living with family JUST getting a degree, where I could have been in a kick [censored] career by now. Worse--my younger, HS dropout sister who had done nothing but mooched off family since high school married some guy and went to Colorado (where I have always wanted to live) b/c his family lives there, and she has been given a SUPERVISOR job at a casino making $17 p/h and-as she says she merely walks the floor and does nothing-which she is thoroughly enjoying shoving in my face (we have never got along)..plus she had a 4 y/o daughter...she has a family, a kick [censored] career and her husband doesn;t want to leave her.. but shge is a horrible person who betrays everyone every chance she gets--cheats on her husband--etc, etc....I do not understand. I try to do good every chance I get...yet I feel like my life is being pooped on.
I think I miss my x. If I could lobotomize that [censored] part that is his secret life he would be perfect. I sometimes try to look up his email or other info at night,though I am too proud to ever say anything...I wasn't the one always on personal sites. I wasn't the one flirting/f*cking his co-worker (suspected--not proved). I got a credit report recently, which is how I know where he now lives (Alaska--which I chose while we were together, and so I am heartbroken b/c I wanted to go there). I feel stuck and basically like I stabbed myself in the foot. I am where most 17y/o's are. I feel like a looser. I am seeing a shrink--don;t need that advice. Just want some sympathy I guess.
<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:15 AM: Message edited by: Epiph0ny ]</small>
