I am so tired of him bringing me down. I have realized that my H is verbally abusive to me. I am constantly criticized for everything i do! The way I clean, the way I cook, the way I drive, the way I eat, the way I raise my kids, the way I do anything, I'm surprised I don't get criticized for the way I breathe!
Today was a bad one, for the past couple of weeks its been a constant of criticizing, so many times i have said "can't you just say something nice?" why i said that i shouldn't even of bothered. We haven't been together sexually for around a week and this morning I thought I would approach him and ask him to fool around? Well I did and didn't get any! Instead he got on a topic of conversation in bed, while i'm trying to be loving, about the yard. He started saying,"you never finish anything off, if it wasn't for me the yard would be a mess" I defended myself and said "everytime I go back there to do some work, you tell me to stop and that you will do it" well he got all mad (obviously for defending myself) and said "your so selfrighteous, i'm so sick of it! Your putting it back on me eh?" then he got out of bed and left. This is the kind of crap i deal with. He knew i was at the breaking point, he said "love you" before i left, that was a stinger, I cried all the way to work, thinking how can he say he loves me but allways criticize and put down everything I do??

Sorry you are going through this. I was in a relationship with a man before I married. This man criticized me constantly also. I learned to ignore criticle comments that weren't constructive, but I have learned that if a man feels you don't clean enough...they will withhold affection for some reason. It like bothers them that us women do not finish cleaning the house, the yard, and stay on top of the kids and whatever else. A women's work is never done. I have found this to be true with every man I know, and I have about 8 good close male friends. They will not hug, kiss, hold hands, sit up and watch a late movie, take you out, nor make love if they come home or wake up to something not being finished. You should not put up with his abuse, but maybe if you do some of the of the cleaning and finished things you did start make a difference. When he first sees something you hadn't finished, say sorry and that you'll get to it later. It works believe it or not. Well we know that most men don't even finish what they start and we get the short end of the stick. Have a sit down with him and tell him how you feel. You both should take the emotional needs questionare off this site. Try and meet his needs for the next two weeks without protest...including the other tasks he fusses with you about. He should seem more affectionate after a few days. My husband also did the same with me. It's a guy thing...they expect us to take care of the homefront. God Bless! And learn to block some of that stuff out.

I disagree with Arnez somewhat. My husband doesn't start to gripe and complain about things on the homefront unless he is not sexually satisfied. If I keep him satisfied sexually, our relationship is 100% better...I am a stay-at-home mother of two toddlers, and I know how hard it is to get everything done. However, if I keep the romance alive, he tends to overlook the other things...and he is very picky about things being neat and clean. Good luck. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't want you to freak out. But my H & I always got into arguments about this. He used to say "you take care of the inside" & "Ill take care of the outside". But keeping up with the mess when we both worked full time (no kids) and I was going to school was overwhelming. He got worse with all this last year. Started being more mean and critical and rejecting me. Turns out he was in an affair. I told myself it must be only EA, but turns out it was PA too. I NEVER in a million years thought he could do that to me. I am still in hell, but its a long story. See my plee for help in the "Emotional Needs" board.<p>Anyway, it was a cycle. He'd nag & be critical tremendously, then be nice a while when I started to 'defend myself'. There are alot of articles out there about "the passive-aggressive" person.<p>What if you were to ask him to help you some? Is there anywya you can try to make the tasks fun? Read all the stuff here about "emotional needs". Could you fill out & exchange questionairres? I hope you can work this all out so that it does not escalate.

I am new to this site today. I read fed up's message and couldn't believe it. I could have written this! H has been so explosive lately that I told him we need to see a counselor and he agreed to try it. Something I never thought he would do. It's very hard to take constant criticism. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. Does anyone have any advice as to how to deal with this?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. Does anyone have any advice as to how to deal with this? <hr></blockquote><p>I feel the same way - 5 years of it, some better, some worse. I have tried everything i think - but what seems to work best for me is to shut myself off emotionally, and ignore him. Sometimes this has escalated things - ie he will yell more, perhaps even get physical. The times he got physical, I called the police and told him he couldn't come back until he went to anger management. He didn't finish the course, but he learned I was serious. I did NOT say anything else about the incident and I was kind and loving (even if I had to fake it) when he was through.

The best book I read was "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, which described his actions (or inactions in my case), but also lists actions you can take to counter his moves. At first it led me to believe I was a victim of Emotional Abuse, but by claiming to be a victim, you blame and accept no responsibility.
Now I know that I didn't see the situation clearly, I attributed traits to him which he didn't have, such as responsibility, maturity, and communication skills.<p>There is actually a book called "Walking on Eggshells" too. I have yet to read it, but plan to in the future.

Hi, I'm new to this forum and just read Fedup's message...this has been my husband and I for 13 years. I finally had enough when he walked out on me this past mother's day...he was mad because I was helping my youngest son cook scrambled eggs and he didn't like how high we had the burner turned up on the stove...he went on and on belittling our 7yos and when I told him to stop, he told me he wasn't down yet...I ended up crying and he ended up just leaving without saying good-bye to me or the boys...he worked all day and came back later that night, but by then I was so hurt, angry and just fed up that I went to bed. I have refused to let this go...it has to stop. He has a problem and he needs help. <p>I do not agree with some of the post...one person said to learn to overlook some of the stuff...NO! As Dr. Harley says about the love busters, if someone is saying something hurtful, it is verbal abuse and they need to STOP! There is a problem with someone talking to their spouse this way and ladies, we shouldn't be letting everything go. I also don't believe that we should be satisfying them sexually to keep them happy so they don't explode...there has to be a mutual responsibility for meeting each others needs, ours need to be met too. And as far as I'm concerned, a husband should be mature enough to be able to be decent with his words and actions toward his wife, whether he's sexually satisfied or not. We need to learn to treat each other with respect. But I agree that we do need to be meeting each others needs, but it needs to be balanced.<p>Okay, I just needed to vent! Fed-up, you aren't alone...make sure you don't let this go on and on...it isn't healthy for either of you...take a stand and put an end to it...work together in making your marriage a healthy, satisfying one for both of you...that's what I'm doing. <p>Blessings,
Amy