Help!!!

I don't ask often but when I do I need it!!!

Here is the situation:

I am leaving in the morning for my annual retreat up into the Big Horns with a group from church, will be gone til Sunday. I am busy getting things ready today for the trip.

I call YD who is with her dad in Utah, suppose to be there til the 10th or something as dad is going to bring her home and spend a couple of days with other two kids. My YD says on the phone this morning that dad is bringing her back early I asked when? This weekend was the reply! UGH!!!! This is the first that I have heard of this. And I don't think that it is my D place to have to tell me, this is something that her father should of done. I asked why and something about a business trip that was suppose to happen the week after YD left got moved up. My first reaction was to call Xh and see what was going on and lay it out that this is his scheduled parenting time and blah, blah,blah. He's out of the office, so I get to re-think my plan and that's were I need some help.

I asked YD if she was ready to come yet or not and she said she didn't know and I said that yes she did, what did she want? She said that she would like to stay a while longer. Her staying with stepmom is not an option for me. Do I push x into taking leave time and staying with YD or what? Thoughts, suggestions, he'll be calling I am sure in an hour or so and I want to be prepared. Help!!! I don't like YD having to be in the middle of this!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 10:48 PM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

That's just wrong.

If it were me, I would call him and ask him if he can try and be more considerate of other people's time. I would tell him that I felt it was very inappropriate to have to had learn this information from your YD, then tell him of your plans and how his decisions are now affecting you when it should be his responsibility to take care of this. Hmmm...He may just say that he intended on stepmom watching her, which in that case would explain you not knowing. It may very well be that he did not want you to know and would have preferred if YD had not told you.

Try and find out his intentions before you accuse him of anything.

Thanks for the reply!!! I have no intentions of accusing him of anything.

My parents live across the street and my other 2 children are in the area, so there is more then enough places for her to be when she gets here. However it is not right for x to assume that they don't have plans and aren't busy. And when was he going to tell me? Yes he is very inconsiderate in the way that he deals with me, and I try very hard to be upstanding in my dealings with him.

I thought that I might start with how sad this is that he is cutting his parenting time short and how he is showing YD that she is just not that important to him. OR

I may just ask what the plans are for YD, is it true that she is being brought home earlier then anticipated? I am sorry for that, you and her will lose some valueable time together. His response will be that he'll ask for her forgiveness and that he hopes that she will understand, blah, blah have heard it before!

It's my daughter that I hurt for and the fact that she is being put through something like this because of her fathers selfishness. When he got ready to leave 3 years ago all she could do was cry and say how can he do this to me!!!! How can he? It breaks my heart and she is only 13 and she is suppose to stand up and take it!!! UGH!!!

The man is still fogged in, will be 4 years come January. That's along time to be an idiot!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Four years!!?? That's a long time, Day. You all are still not getting along? Did he marry the OM?
Ask him if he intended on telling you and if not why not.

I'm interested in knowing.

Yeah 4 years as an idiot!!! This was one of the kindness most considerate men you could have met. Not anymore!!!

I don't converse with him anymore as I tried to re-build a friendship with him last year before christmas and a year after the DV. No going, thought I was up to something, really I was just tired of it being like this.

He says that I am always trying to make him feel guilty and I can't do that, guilt is his, if I say something or point something out that makes him feel that way that's on him, if he wasn't a guilty person he couldn't feel that way. I just learned that I can only control me and what I am doing and if it's not mine to own then put back where it belongs. Took along time to learn that!!!

Because my parents live accross the street and YD stayed with them last year he is assumming that they will take her again. Told my mom that I am going with the asking route and throw in there that he might want to check with grandma and make sure they are going to be in town and if it's ok.

Oh yes he did marry the OW after moving her there in June and having to move her out in July and then moving her back in and him having to move out til Nov, the Air Force does not look kindly on adultery. They married before he introduced her to the kids. The kids still don't know when to send an anniversary card. They didn't meet her til Easter that year when OD said I am going to dad's and I want to meet my stepmom. He had 3 different opportunities to bring her here and introduce her to the kids, I have seen her but yet to be introduced to her. MMMMMMMMMMMM just a little guilt there!!!

Anyways thanks for the replies, I do plan on asking and pointing out that it is not approperiate for YD to have to pass his messages for him.


Dawn

Here is a letter from me to the X, after he swapped a weekend with me, but didn't collect the kids until Saturday afternoon and dropped them off the next morning at 10am.

The stated visitation on our papers says 4pm Friday until 6pm Sunday, every second weekend. Up until this letter, he had been dropping the kids off a couple of hours earlier, and sometimes I wasn't home, and he would call my cell phone and I would have to go home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But since this letter, clearly stating my position and my boundaries, he has never again played this game with me.

X,

As I suppose you are aware, the visitation agreement is not being followed. The papers you drew up with your lawyer requested visitation from four o'clock Friday until six o'clock Sunday, every second weekend. These are to change by mutual agreement.

I did not agree that you bring the kids home early on Sunday, and was not even asked, anyway. I suspect you knew I wouldn't agree, and that is why you did not ask. You can't just drop them off like that.....even if the request comes from the kids. It is disrespectful to me, and takes no consideration of my plans or life. I am not here for your convenience. If such a thing happens again, it is up to you as the adult to explain to them that Mum is not home....tell them the time we agreed etc.

Having a weekend in lieu of one you cancelled SHOULD have meant those visitation times stated above. I had plans to do a bit of Christmas shopping before you got them home, now I can't without inconveniencing myself and someone else to look after the kids.

X, I am aware that the trip to Geelong and back is long, and I am aware that you are trying to find ways to make it easier for yourself. The truth is that it doesn't work that way. I am willing to concede that 4 o'clock Friday is an unrealistic time to pick them up, given the distance, and am able to accomodate that. But altering drop off time to suit yourself is no longer an option. I make plans based on the stated hours in the agreement papers, and have had to change them on every occasion you have had the kids.

I expect that from now on you wll comply with the agreed time for drop off, that is 6pm Sunday night. I will not be available before then from now on.

Sometimes the X's need a 2x4. It isn't all that necessary to think about LB's when you are divorced. I keep communications formal and civil, and only about the kids.

If I were you I would write X a similar letter and send it after this visitation.

Love and light,

Jacky

Hi Dawn,

I like N2's letter. Maybe you'd better get something like that ready. So he gets away with it this time but shouldn't it cost him something.... like $$$?

L.

Hi Dawn-

Jacky has a good letter. It puts him on notice that you have your own life and that he can't just take your time for granted. However, if he is like my XH and if I told him that he would simply go to work and have the kids spend the time with his new OW wife which defeats the purpose of the time the kids are supposed to spend with their father.

I really feel for your daughter. She deserves a relationship with her father and it shouldn't be cut short due to business. It is a shame that he can't see it.

I guess I would approach it from the standpoint that your daughter told you she was going to have to come home early due to his business conflict. Tell him she seemed disappointed and was hoping to have more time with him. Take it from the standpoint that she needs him and he is important and maybe he'll feel needed and more inclined to do what's necessary to have the time with her.

Who knows, these people don't think like we do so it is hard to figure out how to deal with them.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Take care and God bless!
K

Thanks, Nina!

I wrote this on Wednesday night before I left and my email was down again so couldn't send it, just got back from my trip tonight!!! Awesome retreat!!!

Very good letter and yes I will have to type something up I am sure. Our decree does not have exact dates and times listed just says liberal visitation and with him being 12 hours away, it's not often that he gets to see her or the other kids, but I try to accomodate when he asks for his visitation. We have a grandchild on the way and now he says that he wants to be here for that!


I just got off the phone with x.

It went something like this......

Me-- I have a concern with not being able to reach you today if that had been YD what would have happened?

Him--I'd call her right back but knew it was you and I'd call you after 9 tonight.

Me-- Well your office didn't even know how to get a hold of you! When is it that you were going to tell me?

Him-- I emailed you,

Me--I haven't seen that, my email is down right now and it was!!! I left at 3pm and there was no e mail then. When is it you are brining her home?

Him---Friday

Me--MMMM that doesn't work I won't be here.

Him---Your folks'll be home won't they? or OD?

Me---don't know what there plans are for the weekend.

Him---Can you find out?

Me--- No, it's not my problem. This is her scheduled time with you I had made plans.

Him---huff!!!

Me---I'm sorry I have worked really hard on letting people take care of their own problems and concerns.

Him---I'll have to call your folks.

Me--Ok! I'd like to know tonight or before I leave at 6:30 tomorrow what the logistics are for my daughter.

Him---I don't know if everything will be settled by then.

Me---You can understand my concern for daughter and me knowing what will be going on, please call in the morning, mom will know how to get a hold of me.

He expected me to fall into what his needs where, like I use to, somehow I always made things right and he got to do whatever it was that he wanted. Doesn't have that privelage with me anymore, divorce papers took care of that.

What a day!!!! I wanted to take care of this right away this morning so I didn't have to deal with it all day like I did!!!!

Thanks, All!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


New today............

Orchid and still,

He won't get an abatement on child support for August now as she should've been with him over 10 days. Oh well!!!!!!

still I like your approach too it would have worked very well with him.

I did get a phone call right at 6:30 Thursday before I left, said that YD would be with OD and SIL.

I talked with YD tonight when I got home and said that I was sorry that I didn't get her dad to change his plans, but that I didn't really have any control over him, she said that she knew that and that she would see her dad in Sept when the grandchild is born. She truly was more excited about beating her dad, OD, S and SIL bowling last night, she rolled a clean 200 game, so something good did come for her.


My retreat was so awesome, even not getting to shower for 4 days was ok!!! Last year it was about letting go and letting God and I use those lessons every day. This year was about getting out of the boat taking a risk, so I am excited to see what the Lord has planned for me and when it is that I will be getting out of the boat and what I will be getting out for!!!!

Anyways thanks all for the words, thoughts and suggestions. I needed help and knew that I would find it here on MB you people are awesome thank you!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />