This is going to be like reading a novel but here goes...my wife and I have been married about 2 years (lived together for 1 yr, separated 6 mos, now living together again). To put it mildly, we have been through absolute hell since we met. We fought non-stop for the first year and finally separated. We both have a lot of baggage...


SHE:

Molested as a child by her brother (from infant to 12 years old)
Lots of guy friends (a few of whom have wanted to be romantic with her)
Had sex with her best friends husband (5 years ago)
Had sex with her best friend (a woman)

ME:

Physically and mentally abused by father as a child
Hot tempered
Crazy ex-girlfriend (5 y/o son with her)

Wow...a match made in heaven or what??? Anyway, we seem to have worked out a lot of our differences...for example, she gave up her guy "friends" and the girlfriend she had sex with. Apparently she realized that maintaining relationships with these people was something I could not accept (although I sincerely tried to in the beginning) and has apparently stopped talking to them. These relationships started A LOT of fights in the past.

As for me, I have worked hard to get a grip on my temper and haven't had a spastic fit in 6 months. I have also started being more stern with my ex-girlfriend when it comes to issues regarding our son.

I still have issues with her affair with her (former) "best friend's" H (this has caused me to have nightmares and severe trust issues). Oh, and then there are the little spats...always over (seemingly) petty things. For example, last night she made a comment that she "would never have dated me if she were wealthy before meeting me". I was deeply offended by her comment, since I feel that money would not have influenced my decision to date her, no matter how much or how little I had. She also said that "you wouldn't have dated me either if you were wealthy" and threw in some comments about some financial problems I had in the past. We began arguing about this and she tried to justify her position by saying: "if i were wealthy NOW, it would be different because i love you" and something about "society in general". I just was so pissed that she would make a comment that shallow...especially from someone who has repeatedly told me that "if we lived under a bridge, i would be happy, as long as i have my family". Does this seem a little hypocritical? Am I overreacting or was her comment completly rude and offensive. Would anyone on this board have been offended by this?

I am very concerned (now that we have moved back in together, of course) that we have dealt with the MAJOR issues but that we will never completely stop arguing. Also, these petty arguments are part of the reason she needed her male friends in the first place (for emotional "support"), which makes me think she will start seeing them again when she feels the need.

My questions are...Is this marriage doomed to fail? Are there just too many issues with this woman to ever possibly have a normal relationship? Do I have too many issues as well? Am I overreacting to her comment? Would counseling help us? I love this woman dearly but I am scared that it may be hopeless. PLEASE HELP!

William

William,
Counseling can help. Have you read the books here?
The good news is you two seem to practice radical honesty. I mean how many people are willing to own up to sleeping with their friend’s husband?

You can learn how to negotiate. If you two are compatible, negotiation will be easy once you have the tools. If you are less compatible, it may be more difficult.

So, why did you two continue to see each other if you fought so much the first year?

PS: Welcome to MB. Sorry no one replied sooner; summer and the weekends are slow.