I have done a lot of work on my personal growth to get through this horrid D that has just begun. The only problem is EVERY SINGLE NIGHT I'm dreaming of H.

Sometimes the dreams are of him coming back to me. Most times it's of him telling me he doesn't want me. And then there are the dreams like I had last night.

I drempt I was sitting on a couch and he at the end of it. His OW was sleeping in the bedroom and my toes were curled just outside the edge of a blanket. He started by rubbing my foot with his hand.

I was hurting, telling him how much I wanted everything to go back to normal, that I missed him and he was telling me about how he didn't, he liked this new life. Meanwhile, I see him bend down and begin to kiss my feet taking great care in kissing each toe. This is something he used to do when we were together.

Then the OW walks through the living room where we are sitting and he stands up smiling and grabs her by the waist, kissing her passionately as she continues on, unaware of what he's just done.

I woke up crying again. How on earth can I make these dreams stop? Every night it is like this and it's driving me crazy. I have gotten my life straightened around, gotten a large portion of my self esteem back, but these dreams tear me down and it takes a large portion of the morning to regain my bearings.

What can I do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi Heartache--

I don't know the answer to your question, but, I can tell you that I have had the same types of dreams.

It has hurt, and bothered me that I would let my good sleep be interupted with dreams of the two very people that have made my world crumble.
I have had dreams of X coming home. Dreams of OW and I having it out.
Dreams that X has come to say he messed up, that she was not what he thought.

I think in my subconcious, it's what I wanted so bad to have happen.

I have wanted, and still want to hear my X say, he made a mistake for the choices he made. The choice to leave our marriage, and everything that that included which was our family.

I have to say though, it's been a year and a half, and in the last couple of months I have not had a dream like this.

He recently said something to my OD that hurt her feelings. As I was repeating this statement to a friend, I summed it up with, I'm so glad I'm not married to that fool anymore.
She said, CONGRATULATIONS! That is the first time I have heard you say that.

I don't know if I'm finally coming into my own, or finally accepting what has happened, but I do find that I'm doing better, and not dwelling on him telling me he made this huge mistake.
I don't like that I'm divorced, and it's not what I wanted, but, I think I'm healing, FINALLY.

I guess I have to think that the dreams are part of the grieving process.
I think in time they will pass, but it's not somehting that we can control.

Good luck to you, and take care.
K

I started out with those kind of dreams too... Of X (Still STBX at the time) coming back and apologizing, saying he realized how wrong he was, etc.

But I've found that that the longer he was gone, and the more I found out about just how much he had been doing behind my back, the more those dreams changed. Now, I have these nightmares that he breaks into the house and then refuses to leave. Sometimes that he gets my friends and family on his side, and they are all telling me that he has a right to be there, and I should just accept it. And the whole time I am in a panic, trying to figure out how to get him to leave and stay out.

I think the dreams are just the reflections of what we are going through right then. Right now, even though the divorce is final, I had some things of his I was holding until he came through on his last obligations to me. He has finally done that, and I need to let him get his stuff, which I don't mind, but I don't want to see him, don't want him in the house.... plus, every time I turn around, he comes up with something new he wants from the house, and.... well, the divorce is final, and with the exception of the things I have already said I need to get back to him, the settlement agreement says we each already have everything we are keeping. So I don't have to give him anything. But I think this trepidation is going to remain until all my dealings with him are completely done.

I am SO glad we don't have kids together, so there will be finality to all of this. But meanwhile, the dreams where he breaks in and stays.... even insists that we are going to get married again! are real nightmares for me.

I think the bottom line is.... it takes time. Try to fill your days with pleasant things that you do for you...keep so busy you have little time to think of him. And I know that's easier said than done. But hopefully, with lots of other things on your mind, those thoughts won't crowd your dreams so much.

And more than anything, know that it will get easier... it just SEEMS like it never will!

It just seems like these dreams are never going to end! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Unfortunately for our D, we do have a kid, and we are going through a custody battle, and the D. What he wants from me I don't know because I let him take whatever he wanted to when he left.

I'm so confused though. For my daughter's sake I want to remain friends with my STBX.

But I see him almost every day and each day he gets grumpier and less talkative. And each day I get more mad and upset that he's acting that way when he's the one that left me.

We have 5 more months before a D will be granted, if we're not fighting through it longer than that. The way things are going, we are still going to be in the next year!

All I know is that I'm better off without him, yet I am so lonely I don't know what to do with myself. It's too soon to date, too soon to shove him out of my heart, and too late to save a failed M.

Everyday I do things that make me happy, that bring joy into my life. Yet everynight the nightmares begin, the dreams that I have no control over, and I get little to no sleep.

I either wake up crying or wake up nausiated. Maybe the doc can give me some sleeping pills or something. I don't know what to do. I just know I can't keep going through this every night for much longer. I'm at my wits end.

Hi, Heartache--

A little background for ya. My exH had an A in 1999 and moved out of state for 6 months. We tried to reconcile, but for the millenium new year, he went back to OW. We tried to reconcile again--and discovered he was bipolar and a serial internet cheater. Finally, after 3 years of trying, he refused to stop cheating or go to a psychiatrist for his bipolar...so our M ended.

The whole time that we have been separated (and sometimes even while we were together!), I have had dreams about my exH. Most of my dreams are dreams in which he belittles me, or leaves me for a vague representation of OW, and I feel just completely worthless and crushed. And like you, for the longest time I thought: "When are these dreams going to STOP!??"

Now that it has been a few years, I realize something. Now and then I still have those dreams, and quite often it's when I am starting to "feel sorry" for him or "miss" him, and my dream is my way of reminding me how I was treated...how I felt. Also, I decided to see if I couldn't recognize my dreams while I was dreaming, and kind of guide them. For example, in my last dream (which was last week) I was in the kitchen cooking and trying to make a fancy dinner, and the OW just walked into MY house and started to tell me I was worthless and belittle me. Well, I was so shocked that I just stood there sort of slack-jawed for a minute!! IN MY OWN HOME!! About then, I started to realize it was a dream, so I started to guide my dream--I kicked her out of the house, called the police, and my kids cheered. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> They were proud of me for standing up for myself, and I woke up feeling strong.

OTOH, if you just want to SLEEP and skip all dreams for a while, may I make a suggestion? Why don't you try Melatonin? It is a natural herbal basically a hormone that helps you sleep, and since it's natural, there is no weird feeling when you wake up in the morning. When people are younger they make more melatonin and as you know, kids can sleep anywhere including sitting up! As we age, we make less and less melatonin so we don't fall asleep as easily or sleep as soundly. Sooo...you might want to just try that! It's one step before a sleeping pill or prescription--so try it!!


CJ

Although I have only had one or two dreams in which the OW appeared, for the last 5 years I have dreamed about my H a couple of times a week. Often the dreams have nothing to do with his affair or desertion, and are merely dreams about the family engaged in some activity in which we are all together. I have had very few nightmares involving him, although waking up and discovering that I was dreaming is disappointing, to say the least. I doubt if the dreams will ever go away - I still dream about my parents about once a month, and they have been dead for 25 years.

I will ask the doc about the melatonin. Don't want it to interfere with the depression medication I'm on.

I thought maybe if I slept in the living room instead of "our room" last night that it would help. Not at all did it.

I absolutely love my house. I have worked my buns off to get it and am working them even harder now to keep it.

But I think his spirit is still here, or some lurking "thing" that is him. I don't know how to cleanse that away. Maybe that's why I keep dreaming about him. I see him in everything I do around the house!

Maybe I should start sleeping in my car, he never invaded that territory. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's sad to say that I have done all the decorating in the house, and now everywhere I look, I still see him. I don't know what to do.

I have just started NC with him starting yesterday. Had to go to soccer practice with dd and he came. I sat by my neighbors and talked to them while watching my dd. He sat far back and chatted with my grandfather.

I thought I would get through alright, until the game was over and she went running over to him to talk to him. Then I had to stand there and wait what seemed like forever for her to get done so that we could go.

God. Another what, 50 more years of this? Then hopefully one of us will be dead and we REALLY won't have to see each other again.

Hi heartache,

I have very bizarre, hurtful dreams of my soon to be Ex WH too although thankfully none of the homewrecker.I think our dreams are our mind's way of sorting through and dealing with such a traumatic event.It can be anything from what your inner most desires are(reconciliation) to fears(D,death,OW near you,loss of life or kids,etc).And these events in our lives stay with us forever although in varying degrees depending upon the importance.

One thing that I know I need and will have to do is cut off ALL communication with my WH.I know that I will have to inform him of my daughters lives and such,to the ability that they can't,but that will be important for me to be able to move on and even one day,maybe find love and peace again.

Our WS's have hurt us in such a horrible way that it stands to reason that we wouldn't want these people around us,at least it is for me.It would be like having a mugger that mugged me come into my home and sit on the couch,interrupting my day and making me feel anxious,scared and worthless.I feel much better when I do not talk with or be around my WH.

As for your WH's spirit lurking in the home,why not have an exorcism? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Or at least,have someone trained in Feng Shui to bring some positive energy into your home? Redecorating(painting,wallpaper,upholstering) and rearranging furniture in your home can have a positive impact on your wellbeing.Removing any and every single item that is a trigger can be useful too.It has helped me a lot to take everything that remotely triggers an unpleasant memory to me of my WH and put it right down in the basement(or in the trash)until such time that he takes his belongings out of here for good.Out of sight,out of mind.

And try not to worry about the pick ups and drop offs of your daughter.It is in your best interest to be secure in your home and in your life.Don't feel like you have to make HIM feel better in any way.Yes it would be nice to be on a friendly basis with our Ex's but for me it's just not possible because of all the pain and betrayal of his adultery.If we had just divorced due to other reasons and we both gave it our best shot,etc,that would be different.BUT,now *I* am putting myself first and what I feel best with is no contact.My kids will be doing the same thing.Meeting dad at the end of our long driveway so I don't ever have to see him(until graduation or weddings,etc).We have already discussed this and the girls seem ok with it.They know that it hurts me to be around their father and he is only here on weekends right now,soon to be EOW.I wouldn't be able to stand it either if he came by to get them and the homewrecker was in the car.I have no idea if that would ever happen but having daymares about it makes me want to be sure of no contact even more.

Hang in there.I know this is rough for you.

O

CJ wrote:

Now that it has been a few years, I realize something. Now and then I still have those dreams, and quite often it's when I am starting to "feel sorry" for him or "miss" him, and my dream is my way of reminding me how I was treated...how I felt.

Over the past few weeks I have been having dreams about my X too, and was wondering WHY the heck my suc-conscious would deem it necessary for me to re-live those horrible times. Two nights ago I dreamed I was talking to him on the phone and the coldness in his voice was unbearable. It HURT, just as much as it did when I heard that coldness in real life three years ago.

Thanks CJ for posting that. I think in my case, that is the lesson I need to take from the dreams too. They are a reminder of the pain....kinda like saying, "well we all kinda get along better these days, and I have come to a point where I can forgive the actions of a man deep in midlife crisis who now regrets his actions....BUT don't you EVER think of reconciling, because REMEMBER what he did to you."

I consciously do NOT want to reconcile, btw. But I think just in case....my sub-c is giving me a kick in the butt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Love and light,

Jacky