I've been married for 16 years to a wonderful person whom I thought she will forever be my wife and friend. I was an international student and she was a local girl. We now have three kids and are separated. 5 years into the relationship, my father died. He wasn't doing well with his diabetic and High Blood preassure. I was unable to attend his funeral and since unable to find any closure. My relationship with my father was not a typical father-son relationship but more towards mutual respect for what he had done for me, my sis and mom. You see, dad works Monday to Saturday from 7am to 11pm. He holds two jobs. My wife says, eversince then, I've gone downhill with mood swings and seem to get angry very easy. I must have start to be in the firts tsages of depression. There was several occasions that I felt that because my marriage to my wife, I have been a bad son (not being around my dad during his sickness). Although my my wife have pursuade me several time to visit home, I felt, I've betrayed my parents. Scared to go home and being embarrased since my high school mates are 80% succesful in their carrer choice. Afraid that I would be redicule my friends and relatives for marrying an american. But the problem seem to have faded away after a while until 6 years ago, my mom came to the States to visit us. I was very excited and the visit was a good one for my wife and kids as this was the first time she met with my wife and kids.
Unfortunately, during several private conversation with mom, I felt really bad for not being there when they were going through a hard time. After she left, things had gotten worse between me and my family. We fought constantly and I was a walking time bomb. Nothing she does seems right. I started to emotionally abuse her. She seems to be supportive and continue to put up with me until 911 when things started to get real bad. I was emotionally distraught with the fact that I would someday die and lose everything and will go to hell for not being a good son. Although I continually to send money to support my mom, I still feel the anger that because I was married to my wife, I was not fulfilling my duties as a son. Several times I've suggested to my wife that I would like to have my mom live with us but she doesn't seem too keen on that idea.
Other problems seems to kick in, financial issues, growing pains with kids and worrying all the time finally ruinning my relationship with the family. I felt like my family are always against me. I don't seem to trust my wifes decision making skills in everyday matters. We continue to fight and it seems that it is getting louder as the days go by.
Last year, my wife side of the family were going through hard times. Her grandpa whom she always regards as her own dad had to be put in a nursing home. His condition had gotten worse. I tried to support her by letting her stayed there during the summer to help them. I would visit her or she would come home with the kids to visit me. During this time she was going through a hard time and so was I. I guess I was being selfish and continue to fight. Watching her doing such a noble thing just seems to upset me even more. I am the worse child any parents could have ask for. I betrayed my parents and I know I'll go to hell for what what I've done.
She tried to get me help but I refused to help myself. 100mg Webutrin doesn't seem to help me. I wasn't taking it regularly. Work seem to be getting tough to cope although I'm always focus at work with employee problems, rotating shift work and customer demands just drive me bonkers. Depression is at the highest point. Lost of long term and short term memories. I seem to have blockout the outside world and just focus on work. My family life is deteriorating. I was still blind. Then word got out that we were going to be laid-off. I was really worried because work was my only savior from all the real problems. Stress level was at a all time high. dealing with upset people and problems with work just got my family matters to worsen. I had shoved my wife away and the kids.
Now, she finally couldn't put up with me and ask for a divorce. I realised what I've put her through. She is so upset at me to the point she just lost her love for me. I
now know that I need to get help, serious help to improve myself and get her back. Only problem is I can't deal being alone in this small town. No friends nearby as we recently move to this house. Most of my friends are far away and some whom I thought were friends were not helpfull at all. Depression is at all time high. I haven't seen the family for three weeks now but still talk over the phone. I want to get help and get my family back. But time is the essence. I can't seem to be able to wait. I know its hard but I can't seem to be focus anymore. Next three weeks I'll start my new job and I won't be able to see a psychiatrist for another month. New living arrangements and new enviroment, alone really puts me down. I'm taking wellbutrin 300mg regularly for the past week but it doesn't seem to work. I'm not very religious and trying to get back on the right track with my beliefs. I know I can't tackle all the problems at one time but at the same time I'm scared. The thought of suicide did cross my mind but I'm still sane to know that is an easy way out. I've promised my self that I would changed this time but my wife no longer trust me. I think the marriage is over and I can't stop blaming myself for what I did. But I have to remain focus, get my self esteem back and work on my relationship with my wife, try to gain her trust and most important her love. I still loves her very much and miss the kids. I don't want a divorce but willing to be separated for some time to improves things. Again time is the essence. I hope time will heal all wounds. I ask all that reads this post will pray for me and my family. I'll still continue to support them financially and hopefully emotionally. Wish there is a support group nearby. We will start counselling tomorrow but i don't thing she wants to. I don't blame her. I finally recognised I have a problem.....Depression. I have read on the net and found that the symptoms are similar to what I have. I hate to see 16 years of marriage go to waste and knowing that for the last 11 years I have hurt the one I truly love. If only some one would have taken a hammer and pound me on the head and tell me to wake up. I don't have the desire to find another love as I only love one.
Sorry for the long post as I don't have anyone to talk to. Friends seem to be good listeners but I don't feel that they would solve my problem other than make me realised what an a$$h*le I was and what needs to be better. i hope she and the kids will forgive me and take me home. i think I'm moving into the right direction: realising my illness and going to get help. Now I need to stay focus on getting better. And pray that she will forgive me but not forget what I've put her through. Never would I've thought that all this time I was emotional abusing her as I thought we were just having marrital arguments. Now I know emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse. She wants a divorced but I can't give it to her as I still loves her and want to work this out.

thanks for listening.

D-Dad,

I've suffered off and on from depression and I sympathize. You seem pretty deep in the muck right now. So,here's what I recommend:

1. You need to go to a good therapist quickly. Given all your guilt items, I might suggest someone who has psychoanlayst skills. Don't wait for the insurance. Pay out of pocket.

2. Don't stop taking your medication. Even the new drugs take 10 days to really kick in.

3. Don't counteract the meds. with drugs. In other words, don't drink alcohol and avoid caffine if possible.

4. Get out of the house. When I'm really depressed, I don't want to be alone, but being with friends is too much work. I recommend a stupid funny movie. No love story movies, though.

5. Exercise. This will help your medication.

6. When you go into MC, don't hedge about how bad your depression is. Your wife and the Marriage counselor need to understand that for the time being your depression could hamper your ability to change. Plus, depressed people aren't fun to be around.

7. consider asking your wife to delay the divorce until you've had time to rpove to her you can be a model husband.

Hang in there.

PS: What religion are you?

Thanks for the response. I'm a not so devoted Muslim. Have gone astray many times in the past years but since 911, I've gone straight. Actually this post was posted in the depression forum 4 days ago. I'm doing much better now thanks to the Wellbutrin. I've quit smoking for 5 days and start to feel a little bit better about myself. I finally come to realised that I have an illness that most men live in denial. I'm quite happy to admit that I'm on a "Happy Pill" now. It has been almost two weeks now that I have been taking Wellbutrin. We seen a Marriage Counsellor and will meet again next Wednesday. But I'm a little sceptical about its success because she pretty much wants out of the marriage whileI hate to see because of my illness I 've ruinned the 16 years of marriage. She wants to see me change but can't convinced I'll stay that way for long. Only now did I realised I needed help and I think with the medication and psychotherapy, my live would be turn around. Only if she can wait patiently. I know I'm feeling better because my laptop is going bonkers and I'm ahving trouble connectin online. But here I am not even getting made about it like before (where I would be stomping and chomping), but just smilling and trying to figure out what to do next with this lappie.
So, I just hope that someone would pray for us and I hope my wife would come to realise that all this time it wasn't really me thats hurting her but the inner sorrow of me that was prevailing and running my life. I need to get better amd feel better about life and have some closure with what had happened before. If she files, I probably will do my best to be a dad and hope to win her trust and be her friend again. her best friend like we were before. for now, I hope she'll be patient and give me time to get better.

Thanks for listening. God Bless.

From a medical standpoint I am worried that your med might not be working effectively b/c you said you weren't taking it regularly at 100 mg dosage. Then you said that you'd increased it to 300.

Wow. did your doc tell you to do that? I doubt it. Are /were you just adjusting your doses to what you "thought" you needed?

I am with GG here.

Will add my .02

1)get her HNHN and get her talking to Steve or Harleys via phone counseling. Get them to refer you to a MB coach. That helps also.

2)for you get IC counseling...With a psychologist. You are in severe depression and anybody who's walked the divorce route knows what it feels like.

3)have psychologist and your PCP (primary care physician) work together to aid in your healing of depression as a team effort. When I went thru very difficult period with the divorce and several court appearances, it became difficult for me so my doc placed me on lexapro temporarily. Worked well. Very well. In fact, many patients that I work on are using it. You don't stay on these kind of drugs long term. Just to get through a very difficult time and allows you to have a bit more clarity. Incidentally, I have not been on them for almost a year now. Do NOT increase or decrease at your own will the Wellbutrin without your doctor telling you so. I think this may have caused more damage than good.

4)open up with your W. Tell her of your wake up call and how you are going to carry your end of this. Negotiate a truce period where you can both work together to see if this can be saved. Have her talk to Harleys.