Dear MB Friends,

Please don't take this wrong, 'cuz I know that no one can "fix" this. I just need to tell someone.

My exH is just living the saddest life. He is currently seeing a M woman with 4 kids who is also bipolar. Her H knows and actually says he doesn't give a sh*t--so obviously there's so serious dysfunction in their relationship! So, when he's not with the (what is she? OW? GF? MGF? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ) woman, he has decided to work himself into exhaustion so that he doesn't have to face his own bipolar or borderline personality disorder. He works on his own because every time he tries to hire someone, he has completely unrealistic expectations, "forgets" to pay them, has them work 6-8 hour days with no break or meal...it's just sad!

Soooo...since no one else will work with him, he asks the kids to work for him, gives them a sad sack story, and they feel sorry for him so they do. If they do not do the job to his satisfaction, he won't speak to them and the kids are devastated because he dumped them again. Both kids have said they feel like they are not his kids but his employees; and once when he did this, they said, "Well, maybe we could be his kids and not just employer/employee." He was FURIOUS when he heard this!!! FURIOUS!!

This weekend, my D was feeling just freaked out because school is coming up in two weeks and she didn't think she'd be able to handle working and school at the same time, but she was afraid to tell her dad. I talked to her and tried to calm her down, and I told her to be honest and just say that it wasn't going to work for her to try to do school and work. Well...she told her dad (my exH) and he just BLEW! She was so scared and he just totally reinforced all her fears, so now she never wants to be open with him!

But here's the real kicker! After all this, and after all the choices that HE has made, he complains to the kids that "no one loves him" and everyone who has ever said they loved him has left him...on and on!!! He's acting ALL UPSET because "everyone leaves him"!!!!

WTF??

I was faithful to him the entire time we were married! I never left him or looked at other men. When our D was born, he had an A with two women and moved out...and I took him back. Ten years later, when he had an A and moved out of state for 6 mo., I found MB and worked for 3 years to save our M. I don't think I just gave up on him and abandoned him!! When he refused to make his actions match his words, refused to deal with his serial infidelities and mental illnesses, once again HE left us and for 6 mo. we didn't hear from him or have any idea where he was (much less get any financial support)!

While we were married, we had a large home with a pool, a highly successful business, kids in a private school--tons of financial success. He threw it all away so he could have the freedom to have as many internet, cybersex affairs as he wanted. He left his home, business, a wife who accepted him, and his kids--for cybersex! When he neede help with his business, the kids and I have helped him. My god, when I review it, WE REALLY STUCK BY HIM, and yet he says he feels abandoned and is so ANGRY!!

Oh, it's so consistent with who he is and the choices he has made all along, but it's so SAD! Oh, he has lost so much and still refuses to take responsibility for his own actions. If he can't blame me, he blames his co-workers or his kids or whoever is at hand I guess.

(Sigh)

Why do they do this? What kind of thought process do these WS's go through??? It makes no sense to me...NONE!! Distorted thinking--I know, I know.


CJ

I wish I knew why WS do what they do, why they throw away family, friends, a good wife, financial freedom.

I wish I knew why they think it's so much easier to walk away instead of work on a M and keep it growing stronger and stronger.

Hearing stories about how people like you have gone through all this, gone through him leaving, coming back, leaving and coming back again, and then ultimately leaving only reconfirms in my heart that I can't let him come back.

I can't go through this over and over again. I can barely go through it now. It's only been 2 months since he left, but it feels like an eturnity in my heart. I feel like I've been lonely forever. How do you cope with that? How do you find the strength?

I do feel sorry for my STBX. I feel sorry for yours too. I wish they would just wake up and smell the coffee. I wish they would open thier eyes and see what they've given away so freely.

I don't know what to say. But I feel your pain and your pity for him, I'm in the same boat.

Hi CJ,

Why do they do this?

Because in their heart... there is anger, bitterness, hatred, fear, confusion, and the list goes on.

Don't try to follow it... it will only drive you crazy, as there is no logic behind it.

Your best bet, is to keep you and your children as far away from it as you can get... because if you allow it into your life... it will drive you outta of your mind.

You can't comprehend, what they themselves don't even understand.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Borderline personality is an extremely hard condition to deal with, much less with bi-polar disorder on top of it. Borderlines tend to be very self-centered, they "split" things, seeing people as all "good" or all "bad", like a two year old. The same person can be both traits, especially if you've set a limit with them. I'm a therapist. I can't imagine living with his illness on top of all the crap he's given you and your children. Take care of yourself and your children. Prognosis for borderline is often not very good because they don't see anything wrong with how they think!

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: heartfailure ]</small>

CJ,

I was going to post something and the Heartfailure posted it so much better. I think the problem is that you and your children are in denial. The man is sick and none of you can help him. Working for him will not help, being supportive will not help, NOTHING you can do except perhaps pray will help this man.

He needs professional help and you cannot.

I personally think you need to really explain this to your children and advise them to make their interactions with their father very short and very light. He cannot change himself and neither can any of you.

It is a very sad thing, but it seems to be the reality.

God Bless,

JL

CJ,

My first wife decided she didn't want to be a wife and mother anymore. She wanted to be 18 again. She said she'd had it with the whole responsibility thing and wanted to be a free spirit. She walked out in November when the girls were 5 & 6. Was not heard from for 9 months and first contact was me being served. She gave me full custody without blinking an eye.

Since then she's slowly worked herself back into their lives, but not as a mom. She's more of an adult friend.

Like you I could never understand where her head was at or still is at!

The funniest thing about it? She became a therapist. I told her not to ask me for a reference <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hey folks,

Thanks for understanding and all your kind words. I'm going to reply to heartfailure and JL because their posts are notable.

I really and honestly do know in my head and heart that I can not "help" him in the sense of making any of this better or making him better etc. He has made the decisions he has made, and I know that since he is pretty functional and borderline, he doesn't see that he has a problem. It just reminds me of watching an alcoholic drink themself to death while saying they don't have a drinking problem.

I have spoken with the children and we have an understanding that they can live and be angry and start to mature with me, but the time they have with their dad is sort of stolen time when it works. For example, we try to have our D see her dad every Tuesday--sometimes it's okay for her to stay overnight, and sometimes he's too stressed to deal with her, and sometimes she just doesn't feel comfortable staying, and sometimes he just is not capable of having her there right then. We try to go to movies or things like that where it's in public and somewhat fun (but even that can be ruined by a lady who chomps her popcorn and exH fuming at her and making a fuss in public).

Generally speaking, our rule has been and probably will continue to be that we can not "help" dad if we would exhaust or harm ourselves by doing so. In other words, we can't give it if you don't have it to give! Soooo...sometimes we just have to say no and realize that his ranting and all is not really due to us, but something in his mind. But sometimes we really do have the energy, the time, and the ability to do a project for him or help out, and our rule is if we are willing to do it knowing that we will get nothing back and we will not get a thank you, then we go ahead and do it for our own pride in our behavior. If it's something where we want something back (like, I'll do this if you do that) then we know we should not do it...and likewise if it's something where we want some acknowlegement (like a thank you) then we know we should not do it.

It's just...AARRGGHH! There's no nice way to say this so I'll just blurt it out. It's just awful to see him go so downhill and live the life he's leading, and know that he doesn't see ANY of it. For the longest time I used to think that having a mental illness meant you were crazy and saw things that weren't there, etc. Now I know that it really means DISTORTED THINKING. Very distorted. And it's not getting any better--in fact it's getting more and more and more distorted. It feels like watching someone slowly sink to the bottom, knowing that they are drowning and you can't save them.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


CJ