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I have been in a relationship with my college sweetheart for roughly a total of ten years. She's the only one that I have ever dated. We have been married for about one and a half years. Throughout last year, it has been extremely difficult. Finally, we've decided to end it once and for all. In stead of trying to fix our shattered marriage, we have decided to move on with our lives since we believe we will be much happier individually. Currently, we are in the process of filing for a divorce. I have told her she can have the house that we bought last year and all the properties and a couple of grants in our bank account. I would just walk out clean and start a fresh new life. I don't have any anger or resentment towards her. I only wish that she will find her peace and happiness. Of course, I'm seeking for that too. Any separation is difficult. It's lonely at times, but overall I'm more at peace and I don't have that weigh on my shoulder trying to please her or seeing her getting upset and raged. Do I still love her? yes, very much. But, we were just miserable in the marriage. Finally, I can admit this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> When is it okay to start seeing other people? Should I wait until the divorce is finallized? I just want to do the right thing and be happy again.
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Since it sounds like your divorce will be fairly straight-forward, it shouldn't take long. I would wait.
When people have left without giving a forwarding address, when there are children and the divorce suit will last years, I think it's hazier.
Plus you need time to get over it and move on.'
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CASleepless,
Do you feel that seeing other people is what will make you happy again?
If it is a matter of just being lonely at times, there are other things you can do so you're not lonely.
I've been with STBX since High School. Never really dated anyone else either. Spent 17 years with her. Married for the last 13.
I've often considered dating but I know that I don't want a relationship, just companionship.
Now if I met someone who felt the same, I would be comfortable with that but If I met someone who is ultimately looking for a relationship, It wouldn't be fair of me to consider.
IMO it is ok to start dating when you know that it would be fair to whom you are dating
WIWH
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Hi Sleepless,
I'm sorry to hear your story, but, you will be glad you came here.
The people on here are so helpful, and honest.
What I was told about dating by my attorney was:
Once you file for Divorce, you are legally separated, and you are free to date if you wish.
They did warn me though, as long as my soon to be X wouldn't make life miserable for me.
The flip side, is emotionally.
You may feel better waiting until your Divorce is final, and you may feel more ready to move on afterwards.
Do yourself a favor, and give yourself the time you need to be ready to date, or get in to a relationship.
I myself started too soon, and it didn't work.
I wish I would have waited, to be in the right place.
Take care, and good luck to you.
K.
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Your post was pretty vague.
You didn't put anything about your wife & her emotional affair or chatting with all the guys on the internet.
Or the situation about your mom & her. You should have stuck up for your wife. Period.
Why did you wait so long to get married?
When is it okay to start seeing other people?
That depends on a whole bunch of things.
But since you are getting a divorce after a 1.5 year marraige and ahve been in a 10 year relationship, I woul dHIHGGHLY suggest you take some time off from "dating" for a while.
Should I wait until the divorce is finallized?
Yes, at least until then.
What's the rush?
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Do what feels right for you. If you know your marriage is over, ya'll have agreed on everything, just waiting for the paperwork to be finalized, no custody battle, why not?
After I found out about my now exWW's As I started seeing someone. Besides her being 20 years younger, between the 2 of us we had more baggage than O'Hare International Airport. I made it very clear from the begining that I was still married and could not get involved. It was just a sexual relationship and it was fantastic, the best I have had in 23 years. She used the L word, started talking about us getting a house together and I bailed out. But I was up-front and honest with her about that. It hurt some, both of us, but it was the right thing to do. We are still friends and I could still be back there with a phone call but I don't want to lead her on. My D was final yesterday. I have been spending some time with someone special and asked her out on a real date last night. We have been looking forward to the day that could happen.
When you do start dating, honesty is the best policy. With yourself and anyone else involved.
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I made it very clear from the begining that I was still married and could not get involved. It was just a sexual relationship <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> That's too funny!
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Chris-CA123: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That's too funny!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Glad you enjoyed it. Thats just the way it was.
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Having sex is getting involved.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Having sex is getting involved. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, having sex is getting involved. She gave a badly needed boost to my trampled ego, self worth, and general outlook on life. This old man wore her out. Because we were honest with each other from the begining we both knew that it would not be a long term commited relationship. We were/are on the same page.
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Poor girl. So Jeff she was a boost to your ego? She fell for you and you used it as the rebound booty? She thought she was somebody special to you... I find your comments highly disrespectful towards women. Here are your words: "Okay, having sex is getting involved. She gave a badly needed boost to my trampled ego, self worth, and general outlook on life. This old man wore her out"... Wow. Seems a cakeman can be a BS and can be unmarried and dating as well. Don't call her again. Let her get on with her life...She thought you shared something special and here you are on the internet saying that she was worn out by an old man. To the poster who asked when to date...You may be able to end friendly with your stbxw...Wait and heal. And maybe after the D, you can still be friends. I think if people would "wait to date" after a divorce then there would be less emotional messes out there. In the end, we can ignore the musings of our gonads for a while. Trust me. And what frightens me about the dating world is that some guy out there would pretend to care about me and end up being like the guy who posted above who wanted just a little more icing on his cake and would use me.. That is USING SOMEBODY AND DISCARDING THEM LIKE TRASH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
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Wuote from dear jeff: "I made it very clear from the begining that I was still married and could not get involved. It was just a sexual relationship" Wow. Cakeman(caveman) speaketh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
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justpeachy: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That is USING SOMEBODY AND DISCARDING THEM LIKE TRASH. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess you missed </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I was up-front and honest with her about that. It hurt some, both of us, but it was the right thing to do. We are still friends and I could still be back there with a phone call but I don't want to lead her on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Because we were honest with each other from the begining we both knew that it would not be a long term commited relationship. We were/are on the same page.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We remain friends, our relationship is no longer sexual. She got what she wanted out of it except that I ended the sexual part before she was ready. Because we were honest from the begining and we both were completely aware and in agreement of what was going on, noone was used. Or if you prefer: "I used her, she used me, neither one cared. We were getting our share........." Bob Seger from Night Moves CAsleepless: Sorry your thread got hijacked. Be honest with yourself and others, if its right you'll know.
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Again sorry for this hijack but this needs to be dealt with now. I missed NOTHING. I read what you wrote. You try to soften up your words of how you sexually "wore out" a much younger woman while still a married man... Don't try to slick it over with the seventies Bob Seeger ok...You may have used her, but she fell for you and you admit that in your post. It is degradatory how you spoke of her and how you "wore her out". Plus you give classic doublespeak very very familiar to many here who have heard this before..your part about making it "clear to her that you were married and could not get involved". Wow. You consider her your "friend" here and openly on the internet brag about how a much older guy sexually uses a much younger woman. Wow. With friends like that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I find it hard to believe you're just friends as you indicate if you "could still be back there if you gave her a call". Yea, sounds like you're just friends. She still believes something meaningful just happened. Your ego was boosted! Hurray! Applause! No matter how you put it, it stinks from high heaven. You openly trash your "friend" for the internet world to see and make her appear as nothing to you but an ego boost. You "wore out" your friend. How sad. You owe her a huge apology. Hope you will not treat your new object of attention as you did your "friend". HAVING SEX WITH SOMEBODY ELSE OTHER THAN YOUR MARRIAGE PARTNER WHEN MARRIED IS ADULTERY. Even if somebody does it first to you, it's still adultery. And you post here venting and talking and attempting to help others who are hurt by adultery only advising them to do it if they feel they should. You advise this guy to "be honest with yourself and others. If it's right you'll know." Being honest would be not sleeping around when married. Being honest would not lead a woman to believe there is a relationship there when you just want sex. Women aren't stupid. Unless we're led on just like guys are led on, we do not get things into our heads like imagined relationships. And the cryptic "if it's right you'll know". What in the heck does it mean? Sounds alot like the mantra of the seventies "If it feels good do it." _______________________________ Please just be decent to your w...If you're both wanting to part as friends after a relatively short marriage butlonger overall relationship, exit as a GENTLEMAN. Same for us girls goes. If you wish to leave on good terms for the future, exit as a LADY.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justpeachy: <strong> Again sorry for this hijack but this needs to be dealt with now. I missed NOTHING. I read what you wrote. You try to soften up your words of how you sexually "wore out" a much younger woman while still a married man... Don't try to slick it over with the seventies Bob Seeger ok...You may have used her, but she fell for you and you admit that in your post. It is degradatory how you spoke of her and how you "wore her out". Plus you give classic doublespeak very very familiar to many here who have heard this before..your part about making it "clear to her that you were married and could not get involved". Wow. You consider her your "friend" here and openly on the internet brag about how a much older guy sexually uses a much younger woman. Wow. With friends like that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I find it hard to believe you're just friends as you indicate if you "could still be back there if you gave her a call". Yea, sounds like you're just friends. She still believes something meaningful just happened. Your ego was boosted! Hurray! Applause! No matter how you put it, it stinks from high heaven. You openly trash your "friend" for the internet world to see and make her appear as nothing to you but an ego boost. You "wore out" your friend. How sad. You owe her a huge apology. Hope you will not treat your new object of attention as you did your "friend". HAVING SEX WITH SOMEBODY ELSE OTHER THAN YOUR MARRIAGE PARTNER WHEN MARRIED IS ADULTERY. Even if somebody does it first to you, it's still adultery. And you post here venting and talking and attempting to help others who are hurt by adultery only advising them to do it if they feel they should. You advise this guy to "be honest with yourself and others. If it's right you'll know." Being honest would be not sleeping around when married. Being honest would not lead a woman to believe there is a relationship there when you just want sex. Women aren't stupid. Unless we're led on just like guys are led on, we do not get things into our heads like imagined relationships. And the cryptic "if it's right you'll know". What in the heck does it mean? Sounds alot like the mantra of the seventies "If it feels good do it." _______________________________ Please just be decent to your w...If you're both wanting to part as friends after a relatively short marriage butlonger overall relationship, exit as a GENTLEMAN. Same for us girls goes. If you wish to leave on good terms for the future, exit as a LADY. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just Peachy!! VERY well said!!!! It's nice to hear from a well-versed professional woman with your credentials and personal appeal, etc. I for one appreciate what you're saying here. Helps that you are from Atlanta too!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> High Flight
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Chris -CA123, it appears that you have read my previous posts. We waited for so long to get married because we're not financially ready. Since we were already living together, we didn't see any rush into it.
Honestly, I didn't want to end this marriage. I was willing to do anything to make it work, but I felt that she was huring and getting more depressed each day. She's not willing to do anything besides sitting infront of the tv and stay in bed with tears in her eyes. It was just a miserable sight. The last time I saw (about a week for a few minutes) - she appeared to be better than we were together. I felt somewhat relief. I couldn't stand the thought of myself hurting another person, especially someone you care deeply for.
Thanks everyone for replying.
Thanks,
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CAsleepless: <strong>... I felt that she was huring and getting more depressed each day. She's not willing to do anything besides sitting infront of the tv and stay in bed with tears in her eyes. It was just a miserable sight.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that's what the "for better or for worse" part is about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> As to your dating question... do what I say, not what I did, and wait until the divorce is final. Use this time to get to know yourself better. You'll find it much easier to find the perfect mate and not have to kiss so many frog... ettes? ('Course some guys LIKE the frogette kissing part. But it's better for you and the amphibians if you know what you want before you go looking for it!)
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Yeah....I'll take it easy.... Has anyone seen the new Tom Cruise movie, Collateral? There were some lines in there made me think how short life really is. Once we're gone. That's it. No one is going to remember you.
So, live, enjoy life, respect each others, and be happy!!!!!!!
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Dear High Flight and Just Peachy:
Great job guys! You said what I was thinking.
Treat others as you want to be treated. Don't trash people because you got trashed.
I was a little worried when I read this post but now I am renewed at this great site! Praise God
CreatedinGod'simage
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HAVING SEX WITH SOMEBODY ELSE OTHER THAN YOUR MARRIAGE PARTNER WHEN MARRIED IS ADULTERY.
I agree. I'm working for divorce now from an unfaithful spouse. I'm in no hurry to find another. Lay low, and try to enjoy your time alone while rebuilding your self interests in advance of finding another who shares the same.
The best advice I got on this web, was to concentrate on yourself and what will make you happy.
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