Well, it's official: I'm divorced. Divorced. I never thought that I would have to check that off on a form. I've seen no one but my son since it happened yesterday. I didn't go to the hearing. My ex (my ex...) did and was ecstatic. as if she was cured of cancer, or won the lottery. Sure I know she's in the 'fog' of an affair., Sure, I got the house and 50% custody. Sure I'm young, etc., but THIS HURTS. To be rejected by someone you love and--get this--still want in your life just hurts.

I want to give some time to work toward reconciling. I need to step back, let go and heal. She needs to experience the other side of the fence. I need to learn to live without her. I'm prayerful, but lost. What do you veterans have to say to this flailing floating soul?

Find yourself a local divorce support group to help deal with the stresses - which are daily. It helps to have an avenue to discuss your feelings.
Also check out www.rainbows.org for classes to help your children deal with the D. Although young, they are very much affected by this. I'm one year out and still see their pain.

Give yourself time. Sometimes, I just have to tell myself that I just have to live through the day. I don’t have to accomplish anything, just live.

Do call up some buddies and go to a ball game or fishing. Get out of the house.
Projects help me. Big, messy, time consuming projects, like painting a room, or fixing every leaky faucet. Or aggressively pruning every bush on the property, and taking a chainsaw to the half dead trees.

It will get better. Life has a way of crowding in. It’s like it too follows the law “Nature abhors a vacuum.” Sometimes you don’t even notice what’s happening.

Sorry.

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: Persuasion ]</small>

Your Quote:
"I want to give some time to work toward reconciling. I need to step back, let go and heal."

Those are two contradictory statements.

A house divided cannot stand...same goes for the mind.

Just spend this time healing. Let her little A do its own thing. It is far too soon to begin reconciliation. Let the fantasy unwind a while.

You can't control this and do put your energies where it needs to be.

That would be getting on with things and life. That would be spending time with friends and finding yourself.

I found after I was officially D'd, that it was wierd. Even though I had been separated over a year, it was wierd. And be prepared for more fog stuff as my xh married the OW less than 2 weeks after it was final.

Let go right now.

If it is going to heal then let it do so in time. In time is key.

You are missing what is familiar right now. It's uncharted waters. But it's navigable ok.

HOnestly, have you been happy for the last year when she's been having this affair? I found one huge positive after it was final. That I was no longer feeling the burden of what he did. That the sin was his to bear now. Not me. I felt relieved. Almost like I was parolled.

Focus on what matters right now. I think trying to reconcile now would push her further away and also now you need to just take care of you and not worry with this woman for some time.

As I felt when it was final, I was freed from being legally tied to a man who did not respect me, our vows, and was also freed from the affair as well. I wanted to be away from it.

I'm sorry to hear that nothing went your way Dleigh. I know you had been hoping that she would come around.

All I can say, is that I was in the same boat as you. I was hoping "he'd come around" after he was done A'ing his OW. Unfortunately, it's been very unhealthy for me as I'm sure it has been for you.

All of these people are right. You have to let her go. It's very hard to do, I know because I'm trying to do it. It's hard to be rejected by the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's hard to see them move on without you. It's hard to watch them rejoice at your worst pain ever felt.

Just remember, these things are painful to you because you let them be. You have to step out of the situation and get on with your own life as though she were actually dead. That's what D is. It's death. The death of a relationship. Now, just as you have to let go of someone that's gone, you have to let go of someone that wants to be gone.

It hurts just the same. Actually, I think D hurts more. It's like being disowned by your mother and then having them turn around and die the next day. There's no closure. There's no easy way out. There's no way to make it up or make it better.

When only one person gives, and the other just drops what could be recieved, it ends up destroying the giver. Stay strong. I know it's hard.

Pray for me and I'll keep you in my thoughts. Keep talking. It's the only way to get through this. We're all here for you.

That's a good analogy. And appropriate. Death That's what it feels like. Letting go is hard, but needed here.

deleightonc,

I went thru my divorce in 01...yes it is a death. I found a support group online that was quite helpful in my healing. Divorceonline.com
Be well and take care of yourself. It gets easier. Everyone has a different time line in healing...you have to go thru all the emotions in order to do so.

Thanks. as I am only 2 days divorced this is a question I've been considering (from another thread):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JustLearning wrote:
[QUOTE]You are a part of this equation and you do matter.Your WW has made her decision and there's nothing you can do to change her. Life goes on man.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Octobergirl wrote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with the other's that say don't send the letter.It is still too wordy but you are divorced now.All the plans here at MB basically are over.It's time to ACCEPT what has happened and take care of yourself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sprezzatura wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do you have ANY spiritual life? a place to sit and relax- calm your mind- slow your racing pulse and just ZONE? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First thank you for your input and prayers. i am taking it ALL in, regardless of how I may reply. I am just questioning so much right now.

I do have a spiritual life. I also, however, have a difficult time slowing down. My fear sometimes overwhelms me. I've been dealing with this for a year. Bad, better, bad, worse, incomprehensible...I want to have faith that things CAN be reconciled (my religious upbringing) but the overwhelming consensus is 'IT'S OVER! MOVE ON'. Am I being reasonable by accepting this or faithless? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

The OM pined and waited for six months for WW to return. WW plotted and prayed for the same. Why is it futility when we BS prayerfully and faithfully work/wait for our WS's to return? This challenges my basic beliefs about the nature of faith and the tenacity of love.

This is the third message I have tried to write to you (my computer or this web site keeps logging me out).

Hey, hang in there. Give yourself time to cry, time to mourn, time to be sad and time to heal. God will heal you but usually it takes time and the worse the injury, the longer it takes.

Also, do not be surprised at the "false comfort" others try to give you. Get tough, slough it off, and realize that words will not help but loving and stable friends will. You need something real and stable because your marriage was not. Make that with your kids. Make that with your friends. Make that with your extended family.

This web site recommends waiting 2 years before you start seeing someone. Good idea! Too many men (and often women) succomb to the natural pull to fill the empty space in their life but that new person is not your ex and the parent of your children so they will not measure up. Or worse yet, that new person cannot solve all your problems, the burden is too heavy.

Pray...pray...pray...but not before you try to sleep if its too emotional. Its easier to pray in little bits all day so you don't get overwhelmed (God doesn't get overwhelmed but divorce covers every aspect of your life and when you think about it for too long it makes it harder)

Keep writing on this web site. I found understanding "friends" that I could never find in my small circle.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Deleightonc,
I feel your pain...I've lived it. My Divorce situation was different. I served him and filed, his infidelities were countless. I loved him/I hated him-I didnt want the divorce. I prayed that God would touch his heart and he would come home. 3 days after my divorce was final, he knocked on the door wanting to come home. I let him. I knew that if I didnt I would always wonder. I gave it another 10 months (looking back I always knew he'd never get it). I went thru another Divorce so to speak. I ended it for a second time. Granted it was much easier than the first go round. My point is...I could look at myself in the mirror knowing that I did everything I could to make things work...I gave it my best shot. Take care of yourself...let things be...go on with your daily routines...should she wake up and want to work on things great! Maybe you'll be willing or perhaps you will have started the healing process and find out your a better person by yourself. A happier healthier person. I am know in an incredible relationship...Its healthy. Give yourself time to heal. Dont dont get out in the singles scene in order to start dating...hang with friends and keep yourself busy. Give yourself 2 years of just loving yourself. Sorry to ramble..I wish you all the best

Dleightonc:

I know you are in pain, but forget about reconciling (at least for now); you need to learn how to be single again and how to have a life as a single father.

Before anything positive can come of this all, I think that you need to come to grips with being divorced. You need to face and experience your emotions. Mourn, cry, tear your clothes, take the kids to gradma’s house for the weekend and go on a two-day drunk, punch some walls and break some stuff (hopefully stuff that reminds you of her). When all that is over, clean up the mess, take a shower, put on some clean clothes and go get your kids and love the hell out of them.

You just went through one of most painful things that can happen to married people. . . and you survived.

Pretty amazing huh? You’re a much tougher dude than you thought.

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

CN:
Check out my thread:
Reconciling & Moving On

You are right time needs to pass and things beside me need to get broken. I'll rant some and then go about the business of living a new life. Hust because i have hopes for a reconciliation doesn't mean I'll lay down in sorrow for the next x years.

Thanks for the encouragement!

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Well I've just read through all of this and I'm crying for you and for me. It is like you've written my story. I'm not divorced yet but that is the direction it is going and just like you I don't want it. Hang in there. I will pray for you. I have joined a support group for separated/divorced people at my church and trying to keep busy. Stay in touch and good luck!

Hang in there! Choose a path and let God carry you when you falter. Believe. BELIEVE!!

I agree with steve and the 2 year thing. Originally that is to give the affair a full time to wind down...or solidify..(know you don't want to know that) and for time for the BS to regroup and get themselves together and new life goals and purpose.

It is to keep you from doing something stupid. Called rebound I think. I can't tell you how many people I have met even thru church did this. Nobody could believe I was legally separated that long ...almost 2 years...and that I actually waited until after my d papers were signed by judge. And then I did so b/c I wanted to think clearly and not do the stupid thing.

You need to also get a grasp on the situation now. It stinks but you are divorced. Not every WS returns home like the prodigal son...you need to be prepared for this reality NOW.

I read your other thread and you just won't quit. You keep on denying the reality of now. Yes, it happened. Yes, it was wrong. But you can't force anybody to do anything else. How about spending the next 2 years loving your kids, being a great dad, and working on you? If she wakes up, so be it. If she doesn't then you're all the better for working on you. Better equipped for tomorrow.

You need to gently remove rose colored glasses. The real stats of divorces reconciling is not big. Rather small in fact. But I am not saying it CAN'T BE DONE...IT HAS BEFORE. I am saying this to save your sanity. I can still tell you're dealing with the depression. I remember my counselor telling me what she thought was going to happen and that I needed to "buckle in and get ready...wild next five years". She had advised me for a very good while before saying this btw..She predicted six mos. before and before anybody found out that OW2 would up the ante and probably do what she did before and get pregnant and that my x would get worse mentally as a result of that. That his being forced into a permanent arrangement would esdcalate his anger and that I'd be the one getting it until he lost it and finally acted out on her...but that would take about 3 years of the five to happen. Then he'd be off my back forever. She predicted that I would do great and that after our time frame for healing (basically was 2.5 years for me), I'd be dating, and dating alot. She thinks that before year four I'd be remarried and happy. She'd been doing this for almost 30 years and says there is a 100 percent distinct pattern some wS take. And it is a no brainer. They have issues emotionally and mentally and cannot deal with them as most people would. They look for OP as a quick fix and they sort of become addicted to this new person who says what they want to hear, does what they perceive backs up the WS mentality.

But she said sadly that although she was for reconciliation, that it is not sometimes best for some. And that the stats are not good. She did say that the ones she has seen and advised had a few characteristics in common:

1)WS left because of ill defined feeling of being unhappy. No OP. Just felt like they wanted to be Wayward. They're not cheating just yet, but they want to be free.
2)No lengthy or bitter court battles. They just separate, feel bad about what happened, and be fair to the BS.
3)because of absence of OP, there is still some mutual respect between x partners.

When an OP is involved, she says usually less than 30% chance of real recovery. But that is even with professional help. That the WS may waffle and come home for a short while, but it is only temporary. And then there are the WS who suddenly up and marry the OP shortly after divorce...as in my case (she was very pregnant). That is a whole other issue. But that is common as well. Just be prepared for anything but try to let it slide off your back as best you can.

I know so many here want to reconcile. And it could happen because MB is about that. But reality is when divorce happened, only some will. Better chance if you can catch it earlier and the WS responds earlier. That's when MB shines.

You need to do more than let dust settle. YOu need to let it go. Be still, and let God love you. Be with your friends.

God may have in His plan for you to reconcile. Or he may have another plan that is better for you. Don't second guess God. Sit back now and try what steve is telling you. That means quit trying for a bit and just focus on kids and healing and friends and family. You'd be surprised how happy one can become when the burden of carrying the failed marriage is off your back. I loved my times I have spent (and are spending) with my son, my family and friends. I became whole without anybody in the relationship sense.

You need that. Back off and give YOU time.

JP:

That's what faith is, not giving up, despite all evidence to the contrary. I'm surprised 30% reoncile? I thought it was more like 5% Here's an exercise I use with my college students who are afraid to apply to med school:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">“ How many med schools are there in the U.S.?”
“About 200”
“How many openings are there per school?”
“about 200”
“Would you be willing to commit 3 years applying to med school regardless of outcomes?”
“Yes” “
“Then let’s see, you are 1 person looking for one seat out of 120,000 ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUDAND. Do you think, if you’ve done all the requisite things a pre-med student needs to do, that you have at least a chance in getting into one of 120,000 seats, just ONE?”
“Of course”
“ I rest my case” </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am doing all the requisite things JP. I am prepared for a long haul. I have a life time of opportunities b/c of our kids. She has left me and returned before, with me less prepared for that out come. It’s what I want to do, exercise my Faith. 1-30 chances? Sounds great to me! Faith is Denial. Deial of what the world sees. My heart will heal in time, regardless. But to not have tried would doom me. God will change my course if that’s what he wants. If not, this focus keeps me from doing anything stupid, like dating. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you so much for your words and prayers.

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

I can relate with you DLeigh...I'm not officially divorced but the paperwork has been filed. Been separated since Mar. Still love her, though don't know why-she's living with her boyfriend that she's had since April. Thought I heard we were going to be reconciled. Don't know now. Thought actually getting the paperwork would be a relief-just more frustration and unanswered questions. I can relate most to this--->To be rejected by someone you love and--get this--still want in your life just hurts. Hard to let go-she's been telling me to let go for months now but I chose to hold on to 1 little promise I thought God had given me. What do you do when that one promise remains in a path of destruction and the destruction isn't complete? I'm a family man-not a good one, but I love family-and all I had was ripped from me. It's hard to have faith that things are going to be ok when the whole world seems to be crashing down around you. This is my STBX to a "t"---->1)WS left because of ill defined feeling of being unhappy. No OP. Just felt like they wanted to be Wayward. They're not cheating just yet, but they want to be free.
2)No lengthy or bitter court battles. They just separate, feel bad about what happened, and be fair to the BS.

Uncontested-gave her everything due to her having our 3 year old. Been talking with her but hard some times-try to keep it to business discussions but her reasons for leaving make NO SENSE to me and discussions lead into debates/fights about where things have gone. Got served papers by her boyfriend because no family was around and she has no other friends. Anyways...been grumbling and complaining for a while now...I'll be back here....praying for y'all...