Hello,

I am new here to marriage builders. I have a bad situation happening in my life at the moment. My wife "Pearl" has left me. Well I was kicked out of my house. You see I have had a problem with lying for the last 9 to 10 months. I lost a job and I never really recovered from that, I am now emplyed and making good money. I looked and looked for work, but could not find anything that paid well enough. I lied to my wife and told her I had a job. During this time, I also developed a problem with pornography. This went on for close to 9 months. We have gone into debt, she sold the house and moved in with her well to do parents. I am not angry with her, quite the contrary, I love her and miss her terribly. I am in Therapy for my issues, I have made great strides in my recovering from these problems.

The trouble is, I am changing, but she says that doesn't matter to her. She doesn't want me anymore. I strongly feel that we can work through a lot of this. My faith in God (Jewish) has gotten stronger. When I talk to Him, I sense his presence. I have felt in a still small voice inside me that He wants us together. He brought us together for a reason. I messed this up. I need some advice in how to handle her. I don't want to keep telling her I am changing, because I think all she hears is, "I want my way". We still talk, she has not changed her cell number, nor changed her email. These are good signs for me. But I really love her and my heart is sinking fast. All I do is cry and greive her and my two girls loss. What can I do? I am feeling hopeless.

Tony -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have come to the right place. I assume your wife shares your faith, so that is in your favor.

It does no good to tell your wife that you are changing. This will take some time. You must show her that you are changing. Of course you want her back right now. That is not likely to happen.

So hang out with us, we will help you.

Thank you for your reply. The one thing I hold on too is that she has NOT cut off conversation. I think there is a chance for us, but you are right I MUST show her I am changing.

Stick with us. Read all of the information here. Show her you are changing. You might want to check out the emotional needs questionnaire, and see if you can meet some of hers.

First, I hope that isn't your real name - if so, you may want to change it as this is a public board and can be read by anyone.

You mentioned going to therapy for your personal issues. Have you considered marriage counseling? If your wife would agree to that, it may help. The therapist may be able to give a reference for a good counselor (assuming he/she doesn't specialize in marriage counseling). The Harleys (here on this site) are great, or there may be someone locally, even your rabbi, who can help. This is something you AND your wife can work on together, if she's willing to go to the appointments.

Believer is right, you have to SHOW you are changing and that takes time. You may want to post on one of the other discussion boards, maybe "Emotional Needs", "Other Topics" or "Gen. Questions". Being here on the "Divorced" board may be a little premature.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

How do I change my name? It is my name so yes i need to change it. I have been up all night crying over this. Right now my wife wants nothing to do with me, as far as a relationship is concerned. My therapist, say s there is hope as she (my wife) has left some doors cracked open. It is just the lonliness and pain is so much to bear. I feel for her and her pain as well. So I am carrying a double burden in a sense. I miss my daughters so much. My therapist is contacting my wife's therapist, as she sees the need for couples therapy...please PLEASE pray for me and my wife call her "Pearl". As I feel and know that G-d has put us together for a reason, even though I screwed it up. Thank you both of you for your replys, and I will visit some of the other forums. Thank you thank you, you are both a G-d send.

To change your name, go to "My Profile", it's close to the top of this page, and then choose "update". You can probably change your name there, then go back and edit each of your posts that might still have personal info in them (I edited mine just now). If you are unable to update your profile name (due to MB admin. control)you have two choices: either email the moderator (in this case, MBMagnolia) and ask them to change it, or stop posting with this name and choose another one, letting this one die out. Your choice.

I know things are kind of scarey for you right now. You're in a jungle of emotions and probably at your lowest point. Things really do get better - whether that includes your wife or not. Couples therapy is good. Keep in mind a few things: 1) You (and your wife) should both feel comfortable with the counselor, 2) Find out what approach the counselor uses (there are different types). We spent 6 months with a "Rogerian" type of counselor who mainly let us talk and said "uh huh" without giving us homework or setting goals, etc... which in hindsight I feel is a waste of time.

Thank you,

Sorry about taking so long to reply. I am in personal therapy, as is my wife. Right now my wife is angry, hurt, etc. She also is living with her wealthy parents, and she has always has ISSUES with her parents. They have never really emotionally supported her, nor been very proud of her, despite being a sucessful Psychologist. He mother never liked me due to not making over 100K a year. Her mother and father are putting a lot of pressure on her I am sure. So she is cought between two worlds. We will what comes out this all. Either way I WILL be okay. My therapist thinks there is a lot of HOPE for reconcilling!!! YEA!!!!!!!!!!