Karma Happens

On another thread, you wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CJ - What you said makes a LOT of sense. I can see how after 10 years of an adrenaline rush like that, a body can get used to it. I didn't have the physical abuse, but I did have controlling and emotional abuse. My XH and I had a very volatile relationship. I have a peaceful, calm life now and am wondering why can't I be happy! From reading your post, it makes sense to me now. I need to allow myself to get used to this new life.

Thanks, it really helps to hear other people going through the same thing and not feel so alone.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was such a good topic that I wanted to give you your own whole thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

One of the things that was the hardest for me to deal with after my M broke up and I was no longer in continuous abuse, was how different it felt. To me, it felt as if nothing was going on and to be frank, a little boring. It was as if life just went on and nothing changed. It didn't feel like a "rut", but rather, it felt like there was so little energy or passion!

Frankly, I was surprised by that. I thought after I was out of the abusive situation that I would pretty quickly be happy, stable, and content, and instead I felt a bit stirred up inside and restless. I think of it as my urge to get my adrenalin!

Anyway, I made a decision. I decided to get used to how this feels--no adrenalin. I said to myself, "So, this is what peace feels like." I decided that when I felt restless, I would take a minute right then and do something I really enjoy, like color or drink a cream soda. Gradually I came to realize that happiness does not feel like "fun"--which is kind of exciting and thrilling. Happiness feels a lot more like reading a book with your cat on your lap, or playing with your puppy on the front lawn, or watching your son or daughter with their friends and knowing in the back of your head that you won't get yelled at for being late when you get home. Happiness feels a lot more like a smooth decaf cup of coffee than a double espresso.


CJ

Oh CJ, you hit the nail on the head! To me, happiness is sitting on my front porch in the early morning and listening to the birds sing and telling God about the day ahead and asking Him to be with me. It's so peaceful and quiet and wonderful and energizing for the rest of the day.

CJ, I love this. I think it's something I'm just beginning to learn again - with lots of setbacks at times!

I have always been a voracious reader, and have always loved doing all sorts of crafts as well. But over the last few years of my marriage, when I knew something was wrong but didn't know what, I found it harder and harder to do my crafts - just couldn't concentrate on them. And though I read even more during that time, it was a sort of escape.... and I realize now that I barely remember anything about any of the books I read during that time, which isn't normal for me. All the drama - never knowing when my EX was going to be upset, not knowing what was really going on with him.... well, I never saw it all as much of a drama at the time, but looking back, I see it was.

And once he was gone and I should have been able to get back to doing the things I loved like that, I couldn't. Couldn't seem to concentrate, no longer had the patience. I never even thought about those things seeming boring to me after the years of drama I'd just come through.

And I can tell I'm finally starting to recover a little from all that...I'm finally starting to read a little again, though not nearly as much as I used to. I have stacks of unread books waiting.

And over the weekend, I finally pulled back out a cross-stitch project.... I had tried several times before to get back into my crafts, unsuccessfully, but this time, I was enjoying it immensely, and had trouble putting it down.

Peace. Who would ever have thought it was something we might reject? But I have been.... still do from time to time, because I got used to there not being peace in my life. I've had to learn to enjoy it again. Strange, isn't it? Having to "learn" things again that you think should come naturally.

now that is a recovered woman!

now that is maturity coming to fruition!

congratulations, CJ

you now have part of your life that you have dreamed about. ..

wiftty

New to this board, not new to verbal abuse...

I have only come to realize fully that what I have lived with for most of my adult life is truly verbal abuse. (Sadly enough, I know I have also been verbally abusive at times myself. We probably deserve an award for most volatile relationship.)

I'm used to getting an earful, complete with the "f" word being inserted several times per minute, for just about everything that doesn't suit WH.

I tip-toed on eggshells all the time, and frequently tried to explain this to him, and how hard it was because I never knew how he was going to react. I quit sharing a lot of my feelings or ideas with him because of my fear of his reaction.

He did the same thing to his kids, who have commented since he moved out how much calmer it is here now.

(As a side note-I truly feel pain in my heart for him because I know he's a very unhappy person and he's spiraling downward and now I feel I'm abandoning him in a way. I pray someday he will wake up, get help, and find peace himself.)

Anyway, my longwinded moral of this post:

I SOOOO want to get to where some of you are. It's not that I don't enjoy my newfound peace. But in my case I feel more like something is wrong--like I don't deserve it...like something is going to go horribly wrong and it's all going to come crashing down.

LL

You know...we should start a thread about what happens after abuse! Hey!! We did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

lordslady, you bring up an excellent point...the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think this is a really important part of what happens when an abusive relationship ends. Not only is there that feeling of "Hey, this is boring--there's nothing going on" but there is also a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has always dropped before! No reason to believe it won't drop now.

In my story, my abuser moved out of the house and then somewhat stalked us for a few months until I got a Restraining Order. Once the RO was in place, I was really in enforced, legal Plan B so there was contact between us only regarding the kids.

My very first reaction was withdrawal from my abuser. Yes, I was in withdrawal from him!! I made up a million "legitimate" reasons why I had to call him or tell him about something, and yet this tiny part of my head knew it was just my attempt to stay in contact with him. Okay..the truth is that he was not the only one at the Dance of Anger--he had a PARTNER! ME!

So I had to go through withdrawal and basically force myself to avoid calling him. I went 15 minutes at a time and would just put off calling for the next 15 minutes. Like most withdrawals, the first few days were hardest, and then it got easier and easier.

My very next reaction was waiting for the other shoe to drop...the threats...the attempts to control...the manipulation...the abuse. I was about 100% positive it wouldn't just end with him obeying authority (haha--yeah right). So, my adrenalin level actually stayed on high alert for several months waiting for the other shoe to drop. He did occasionally try his old tricks but the MOMENT I recognized it was an attempt to control, I left and it didn't work. Eventually he got the message.

My next reaction was feeling like "this is boring." I think you can see how that would fit in here.

And finally, after about 3-4 months of extremely little contact and relative peace, I started to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop...a little at a time. About that time I got EXCESSIVELY exhausted and just could barely function, and it took me a little while to figure it out. I didn't have anemia or a virus! My body had been living on adrenalin for more than a decade, and now suddenly without it, I felt exhausted.

Once again, I had to just let my body feel that way and adjust. I had to take care of myself and even be a little extra gentel and caring. I took long baths and let myself relax. I slept a little longer or took a nap if I could. I played. And gradually, my strength built back up--but not adrenalin strength!


CJ

First, let me say...I never really considered what I dealt with abuse. I'm still not really sure I do... but I can say, there was the "walking on eggshells" feeling a whole lot.

One thing I've found that has seemed to help me a lot with all this is forcing myself to be more social. I say forcing - but before I met my X, I used to have people over for parties all the time, go out with people all the time, etc. With him, though.... it wasn't that way the first couple of years we were married, but then it became that all of my friends were geeks, boring, or dumb, and he didn't want to spend time with them. And he really didn't like going to visit my family. So, the only people I spent much time with on a social basis were his friends, and even that was infrequent.

Now... it was hard to do at first, but it's gotten a lot easier: I started MAKING myself do those things again. Made several good friends again, including one very close friend that I have over to dinner once a week. I didn't really have my own friends I socialized with at all through most of our marriage. I also started asking other people over to dinner, to go out to the movies and do other things - not dates, and most of these have been friends of the same sex. But just to get out. And to force myself into remembering how to entertain (and to keep the house clean, which was IMPOSSIBLE when my x was there.)

I can't tell you how many times, especially at first, I wanted to back out of those things. At first, I did a lot of inviting people to dinner at my house, because once I asked and they accepted, it made it very hard for me to back out - it's much easier to call someone and say you just don't feel like going to the movies tonight than it is to say, "Sorry, you can't come for dinner after all." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now, I'm still forcing myself some, but it isn't nearly as hard, and I do look forward to these things when I do them. And I know if I keep doing them, there will no longer be any need to "force" myself!

What I did with this, more than anything else, was looked at what I was like before the marriage, and tried to figure out what it was of myself that I had "lost," that I wished I hadn't lost. And made a plan to do what it would take to get that back.

I have a whole list of these kinds of things. Little by little, I'm working on going through that list, and finding "me" again. I'm not setting any time limit on it.... I figure it took me a long time to lose all those parts of me, little at a time (over 10 years, in my case), so it will probably take a while to find all of me again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope all that makes sense. I feel like it rambles a little but.... this is, I think, what has helped me more than anything. Stopping, asking myself what things I used to love that I no longer enjoy, and why, and figuring out ways to recapture the joy I used to feel in doing those things. And sometimes, I really have had to force myself to do those things at first... But I think a lot of that is the fact that I got conditioned over the years to hearing what I enjoyed was dumb, stupid, boring, etc. And I guess I still, at first, expect to be told all those things again. That's the beauty of living alone now. I never hear that. And if the cat's thinking it, well, she manages not to tell me.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I guess it's just my version of what so many people here talk about.... reclaiming your life. Doing things, and carving out a life for yourself. For me, it's a great victory to reclaim all the things I once loved, but lost because my X considered them to not be worthwhile.

CJ...I totally agree with everything that's been said here. Especially about the adrenaline, and in a way "missing" the drama. My new H is sooo much different from my ex. There is rarely any drama in my house and I wonder sometimes what to do with all the pent up energy.

And I also wonder if what I have now is normal. I was "brainwashed" into thinking that what I HAD was normal and it's hard to get out of that mindset. I still catch myself worrying that something I'm doing or saying will upset my H or that something the kids are doing will upset him. Like in the mornings, when he's still sleeping, if the kids get too loud, I get kinda panicky. I'm waiting for this very angry man to come out yelling. And ya know what? In 2.5 years he still hasn't done it!!! LOL

What a good thread!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'd like to jump in here, too.

I met WH at age of 17. Our relationship has always been somewhat tumultuous, probably not healthy most of the time. We fought frequently. We thought for years that that was just the way it was.

In his 30's, he was diagnosed with mild/moderate adult ADD and placed on Effexor. He was able to focus a little better, but by then, he had some terrible habits. The worst was never being able to complete projects or ideas to the end without tons of "encouragement". This made us incompatible over time, he was always saying I was controlling, but then he never really contributed much to decisions as a rule from the very beginning.

YEARS of heavy pot use has also caught up with him. He finally got caught at work with it in his peepee and was fired. He was rehired, he swore he'd quit, then restarted within 3 weeks. He snuck around until I finally became suspicious and confronted him. He HATES having anyone on this planet tell him what to do or if he is wrong.

I have finally realized that I absolutely cannot live like that any more. Between drugs, poorly-controlled ADD and lack of morality (chronic "white" liar/ lies of omission/ cheater), I have taken all I can take. A few times in our M there has been physical threats and abuse in anger, ALL MY FAULT, since he "warned" me first.

He will of course swear that I am the abusive one for always wanting my way and calling him names. "My way" is really just a normal peaceful life with our 3 wonderful kids. His "normal" life is unpredictable and full of little crises.

The fog of the A has made him much worse. More pot, more lies, more abuse... I have lost my love for him now, and here we go towards a D. I am going to have to drag him kicking and screaming. He cannot tolerate consequences EVER.

I feel the LACK of adrenalin, too. I thought it was just depression from the A and all this occuring while I was pregnant and delivering. But, yeah, PEACE feels very wierd and I am uncomfortable with it. I'm used to my busy working life with juggling kids, etc. I've now returned to work and that has helped me considerably. The peace at home is easier to enjoy now. When he comes home on the weekends it is the usual craziness and lack of consistency. It takes a few days to recover ourselves.

well, after having computer problems and a bunch of stuff going on, I made it back to this site. been a while, but have to thank CJ for her post.

It helped explain so much. I know I am still having PTSD symptoms... just had to deal with ex in court again about CS, and had his attorney badger me on the stand for 1 1/2 hours. Commissioner didn't even look past that, nothing changed. No CS increase, he doesn't have to pay 1/2 of daughter's residential therapy. Ex makes over $9000 per month now. CS should be black and white... it still all falls apart as soon as they mention ex is General Manager for a company and a publically elected Board Member. Then it doesn't matter that he failed to disclose information, has lied through his teeth, committed perjury and fraud.

He showed up across the street last night for about 1/2 hour. I immediately went into flight/fight mode. Took hours to finally relax enough to sleep, and then it was very fitful.

4 years of finding out just how bad things were and then having the court system do nothing. I relish my peace and quiet, but under the surface I know the war still rages. How does one let go when one knows what this person has doen to your kids? How do you let go when the courts continue to disregard everything? When they say that the welfare of the children is most important, they lie. It's all about who has the most tenacious, litigating attorney.

CJ, thanks for your post... it made sense and I can now rationalize what my feelings are. I really do feel I won't feel "safe" until I have danced on the man's grave, but I'm going to try.

Lori

I'm so glad I came to this site today. I hadn't thought about the "cooling off" period after abuse ends. That's exactly what I've been going thru. A little like withdrawal, and yet somewhat bored too! When I went to my pastor with what I've been feeling, he told me to go home and have a real good cry and then find something to do and not let myself get bored. He was right. And so are you guys. Thanks for binging up this topic.

cj.i went through an abusive first marriage.it is definitely different when you get out of an abusive relationship.instead of constant chaos and turmoil,there is peace and happiness.i would often think to myself"so this is what happiness is like".thank you for reminding us of that.