Okay-

It is a well known fact that based on past and present behavior I don't hold out a lot of hope for my XH ever being the type of father I would like him to be or that my kids deserve. His new wife is also incredibly insecure and thus constantly trying to control everything. He being less than adept at the parenting thing generally steps back and lets her, thus our problem as he is putting her in control of many things she has no business controlling. It is never ending and the haircut is just a recent example of this.

Vindictive may be too harsh a word for what the OWwife did with the hair, but I do firmly believe it was intentional. I cannot read her mind, but based on things she said prior to it and other things done I can honestly say she avoided calling me to push her own agenda. I am however, taking peaceful and legal agendas to put her in her place when it comes to dealing with my kids.

Now however this thread is once again turning away from its intended purpose. I really don't think there is a comparison between my children's stepmother cutting my daughter's hair and the father killing his children to get back at his wife. There is controlling and there is psychotic.

What I truly am looking for is honest examples of dealing with the issue of coparenting in the fog. Does anybody have any?

Thanks for listening.

Take care and God bless!
K

Stillreeling,

I don't think it is possible to coparent effectively when the other parent is either in the fog or is controlled by his new spouse. You can not coparent with the stepmother, even if you wanted to and even if she had the children's best interests in mind. (Of course if the children's best interests were important to her, she wouldn't have had the affair to begin with). All you can really do is do whatever is legally required by the separation agreement and encourage your children not to succumb to pressure to do anything they do not feel right doing - whether the pressure is from the stepmother or from their peers.

I do not think vindictiveness is too strong a word. And there is a spectrum of vindictiveness - obviously cutting their hair is near one end of the spectrum, and a father killing his children is far at the other end. Perhaps only 5% of the population is at the psychotic end of the spectrum (actually I think it is pretty scary if it is true that one out of twenty people is psychotic). However, I doubt that more than 5% of OW-turned stepmothers is far enough at the other end of the vindictiveness spectrum that she would never do anything not in the kids' best interest just to annoy you.

Hi Still--

I have been re-thinking your question some more.
I have come to think, that our X's make it almost impossible to co-parent with.
I think your X and mine, are so content to have their partners take care of our children, that they won't speak up because that would mean they have to be a parent.

I raised our children. My X worked a lot! It was agreed, that I would stay home because we knew his job would require his time.
However, in the end, my X doesn't really know how to be a parent.
He has zero patience for the girls. If things don't roll smoothly while he has them, he throws a fit, cusses, acts like a child.

I remember my mom telling me she never thought he could make a decision, he always asked me what to do??
Well, I'm seeing that now. He relies on OW for the same. When she speaks, he listens! Her word is all to him!

So that being said, maybe yours is the same.
Mine can be the fun dad, but as far as the structure, or the decision stuff, forget it!

I think in your case, you are doing what is best.
Get those boundaries in writing.
She is NOT their mother, and she should seek approval before making an important decision.

Talk to you soon Still,
K.

Hi everyone, I'm back.

Nellie - Unfortunately I feel you are quite right about the coparenting thing. I am not out to coparent with the OW and my XH seems insistent on including her on every decision. I do not reject her as someone in their lives, someone who undoubtedly shape them in some ways, however I am asking for her role to be a loving stepmother who cares for them and contributes to their well being. This does not however give her decision making rights and she is going to have to get used to it.

Also, I agree that many of these people use the children to gain control over and get back at the BS's, etc. It's like hello, you got my husband and I'm actually glad you did. However, hell will freeze over before you get that same position with my kids. They don't want it and either do I.

Karona-

I think you are right. My XH worked shift work and was often gone. This contributed with the alcoholism, etc. left me making all the decisions. When I'd ask him he'd always tell me to do what I thought since I was the mom, I was a teacher, and I knew best. I really believe he is clueless so he goes to the OWwife for every move like he used to go to me. He is a great fun dad, but unfortunately he doesn't get most of the daily responsibilities of being a parent. Furthermore, since his affair and all the after effects of it have gotten us into this position of split households in which she definately rules their roost at least in terms of how the house runs and the kids, etc. It has turned into a nightmare. It is obvious that she has her own agendas, many spurred on by her multiple insecurities, but I am not going to let her screw up my children's lives because of it, end of story.

Thanks for the support.

Take care and God bless!
K