My W and I had been going to conseling for about 6 months. Not much was happening. I don't think I was able to make the changes she was looking for, and I was having a hard time making changes the way I was feeling. Finally she decided she wanted a divorce. At this point things started to change for me. Through the couseling I had always been hopeful for some reason that things would get better, but after she said lets get a D, I started to make the changes she wanted. I was able to convince W to continue to work on the marriage. But all the work has been on my part. Even during the cosneling it seemed like everyone was waiting for me to show how much I cared, but now, even when I have told her how much I care, she is still stuck in this place of, I have no felling for you, and don't know what to do about it. We have both read love busters, but all of those miraculous changes between spouses seem to be just that. (BTW, that book helped me understand why I had been feeling the way I had been for many years.) People don't love each other, even might hate each other. See the doctor, and poof. I don't know what to do, and our therapist seems to just say there is nothing you can do to make someone change their feeling. Neither of us has had an affair.
We have been married 15 years and have 7 year old.
We are still in the same house, but more like brother and sister. How do you get these things going. Do I just give up? She says she cares about me, but just doesn't feel anything for me.
I sense there is resentment and anger from her, but I am not sure how bad that is. Please help!

At The Edge,

Sorry you need to find yourself here, but welcome to MB.

You are not as bad off as you feel you are. You and W are still together and MC is still an open subject. That is great.

I feel that you have just been the victims of a poor MC experience.

Reading Love Busters may not always do it but it is a good start. Did the 2 of you talk about this with MC and what did they say?

Check out this link.
Counseling & Coaching Center

I realize that the Harley's counseling is out of reach for some people but that doesn't mean that you need to just settle for who ever you find.

How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor

Stay in counseling. Make sure that the MC is doing the job that the 2 of you need them to do.

When STBXW and I first split up, we started going to MC. We made an appointment with the first guy that could see us who was listed in our insurance book.

After a couple weeks of digging into her childhood, she had had enough and admitted that she just wanted D.

By the time I found MB, it was too late to start MC again. Actually I find now that it was too late to start MC a long time ago.

It's not too late for you to continue and find a more productive MC.

Good luck

WIWH

attheedge,

Okay, don't give up hope just yet. If you have read LoveBusters, then you understand half of the concepts that you need in order to return loving feelings to your marriage. The other half of the puzzle is Emotional Needs. Click here:

Emotional Needs

Would I be correct to assume that you understand the concepts of the LoveBank and LoveBusters fairly well? At least...enough to discuss it anyway?? Read up on Emotional Needs (EN) and then continue on with my post, okay? EN's are deposits to the LoveBank.

To briefly review, when you and your W first met, she listened to you, laughed at your jokes, thought you were smart and funny, admired you, did recreation with you, and acted like she desired you. You treated her like a princess, wooed her and romanced her, spent time with her, spent money on her, and gave her your undivided attention. In her LoveBank, the deposits were adding up and adding up and adding up--and once those deposits hit a certain level, it's called feeling "in love." Same for you...your LoveBank had deposit, deposit, deposit, deposit and you were "in love" too.

Then you got married.

At one point you began to do Lovebusters to each other. She was disrespectful...and there were a few withdrawals from your bank. You were angry...and there were withdrawals from her bank. In her bank, eventually there were enough withdrawals that her balance went into the red and was negative.

Now, good for her. She did not give up and she asked you to join her in MC. You two went to MC and there were no real deposits being made. In fact, she told you what some of the withdrawals were and you kept withdrawing!! So finally, she said:

BANK CLOSED!!

Suddenly, you realized that the bank was really CLOSED and you got it. No more bank!! Then you started to stop the withdrawals, but by then the bank was closed.

Attheedge, your W is like a fencepost; and everytime you did LoveBuster withdrawal, it was like pounding a nail into the fencepost. After some time, every inch of the fencepost was covered with nails--so the fencepost said NO MORE. Thankfully you realized you were pounding nails into your fencepost, and you started to pull out a few of the nails. Attheedge, even if you take the time to pull out all the nails, and that will take a lot more time than 6 months, do you know what?? You fencepost will always have nail holes in her. Do you get that?? The fencepost will not be the same, because it has holes in it!

There are four things you can do to help open your W's closed spirit so that she starts to be willing to let you meet her EN's (so she can regain that "in love" feeling):

1. Become soft and tender with your wife--your attitude, nonverbals, signals, and voice need to say that you care about her. Provide compassion, kindness, understanding, and nonsexual affection. Allow your softer tendencies to be displayed, and even show your weak side.
2. Understand, as much as possible, what your wife has gone through--truly listen. When a man truly listens to a woman, she feels valuable. Focus your attention squarely on her. Do not try to problem solve, just let her know that you understand her point of view. She wants to know it's okay to feel upset.
3. Acknowledge that your wife is hurting, then admit your mistakes and seek forgiveness--admitting that you were wrong is like drilling a hole in the bottom of her anger bucket and it allows the unhealthy anger to drain away. Sometimes you may be "correct" but your attitude was hurtful...sometimes the way you behaved was offensive. If your attitude was harsh, seek forgiveness.

BTW, for men I recommend doing R.E.P.S. when you ask for forgiveness: (R)esponsibility,(E)mpathy, (P)lan, (S)aftey. Take responsibility for your choices. Have empathy for how she felt. Have a plan of how you will avoid this in the future. Give her permission to be emotionally safe.
4. Show GENUINE repentance--repentance means a complete about-face; a 180 degree turn. It's a matter of feelings, thoughts, and behavior: the feelings completely change...the thoughts change...and the things that you do completely change.

Keep up the good fight, attheedge!!


CJ

Hi CJ,

I think you have it pretty close. I should say that everything was not a failure on my part, although I did plenty wrong, and we have talked about this
considerably. As to your 4 points, 2,3,4 have been
covered fairly well for my part I think. Number 1 has been much more difficult as W does not really want any feeling of affection as she feels none, and I guess this makes it akward, or uncomfortable. When I first started making thses changes and I was telling her I loved her, she said she felt guilty and asked me to stop when I asked. For W's part, I can't say she has demonstrated any of your points to me. It feels like she is just waiting for me to go away. Many times she would just say that she is done, but the other night she said she just doesn't know where to start since she feels the way she does. That is why I am lost. On one hand I want to do all those things I should be doing, but I can't because of how she feels. Our problems have fit the classic love busters model, where each failure by both of us, reinforced our negative feelings for so many years. I wonder how a conselor has someone to try when they don't really feel like it. The fact that we have a young child is obviously motivating me, knowing what we will both be missing if this goes south, but for some reason it is only one way.

The other night, she commented she didn't know who I am, seeing me admit to so many things I have done wrong, and how I have been acting differently. That kinda hurt. I finally start doing all the things she has wanted, and now W says who are you. It's very weird. I imagine she does not trust this behavior, and resents the past, and is also angry. I must admit I am too, but also have come to an understanding of why these things happen, and want to make things better. But how...

One thing Harley has said on his radio show is that, when someone says they have lost that feeling, it's usually not because they are comparing their feeling for you now to their feeling for you in the past. What it usually means is they are comparing their feeling for you now to their feeling for someone else now. It's almost a marker for an affair.

Cherished