Do you think it is o.k. for me to ask my ex-wh for some type explanation of why he did what he did to me during our marriage? I stayed with him after he was unfaithful to me but after that it just went downhill. He probably disrespected me in every way possible. I still don't understand how he could of done all those terrible things to me. I guess my hangup is that he wasn't that way before. We had already been together for six years when he was unfaithful. I would of never thought that he would of be unfaithful. As long as we had been together he didn't seem like the type. I had absolutely no reason not to trust him. AFter that, I never got the trust back. And after being unfaithful, it's like he's a different person. If he's willing to talk to me about it, should I try talking to him about it? Part of me feels like I need answers for closure.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dsd67:
<strong> Do you think it is o.k. for me to ask my ex-wh for some type explanation of why he did what he did to me during our marriage?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I always try to look at "What Positive" can come from a situation. As I see it, your xH actions were exactly that, his actions to which you have no control and of which he may not have a rational explanation. Plus he may not be willing to or have the ability to be radically honest with an explanation. Therefore, I see no positives that can come from the conversation.

I guess that the question that comes to my mind is that well you can ask him - but will you believe anything he says???I mean if I could get my ex to tell me the why's of our situation I would love it - ? But I don't really think that I would believe anything that he has said - anything that he is said in the past has been a bunch of complete lies...

Yes, you can ask him anything that you want. I don’t know if he will be honest with you. If you think you need to hear then answers the by all means ask.

<small>[ August 11, 2004, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

Gotta remember, he did not have an affair to hurt you.
Yes, it did hurt you but that was not why he did it. It was because he was only concerned with his feelings at the time.

Part of me feels like I need answers for closure.
Sounds like BOTH of you need to deal with the affair, not simply sweep i tunder the rug for "closure".
Did you do any marriage counseling afterwards?

Honestly, it isn't the affair that I am hung up on. It's the other disrespectful things that he did. Even if he tells me that it's because he's a selfish jerk and figured that I had let him get away with cheating then I would put up with the other crap... I don't know. I just feel like I need him to say something about his actions. I guess because he's never owned up to his actions, I still feel like I need or want answers. We did get counseling after the affair but obviously not enough to make a difference. He definately is the sweep it under the carpet type person so that makes it hard. It's like he went through and made all these messes here and there and didn't bother to think about the person(s) that he is affecting. Maybe that is what I want to know from him. I don't know. I just feel totally robbed.

Take it from someone who tried, repeatedly, to get those answers....

It is a waste of time.

If there is any hope whatsoever of getting back together, you need to work through some stuff, and that isn't a waste. If you aren't, trying to get those answers isn't worth the effort, and just leads to more frustration. But either way, going for the "why did you treat me that way" is pretty fruitless. Even if you are going to stay together, you should work on the "how to make sure it doesn't happen again" instead. They may seem like the same thing, but the WS sees the question of "why" as being punished, as you telling them how "bad" they are. If they ARE remorseful, answering it makes them feel as if you are piling on. If they aren't, they won't answer, and any answer they give is worthless anyway.


Most of the time, my X just refused to even answer. When he did, he only addressed things that he felt he could bash me with, and completely ignored some of my questions.

And when he did answer, it was just more fog and lies.... on top of which, he had lied so much, that I no longer could tell if he was lying or not. I'm not sure he could either.

And the fog contributes.... I got all the "never really loved you" answers. That doesn't match up with what I remember, and I know from reading here that most of them say that, and it's the need to justify themselves that makes them start altering history that way.

And in the end, every time I got another lie, or a half answer, or ignored.... I just got more angry and hurt. And that's all I got. I realize that all I really wanted - still do at times - was a sincere "Yes, I was a jerk, and I'm sorry for that." And I was never going to get that from him. And that given everything he'd said and done, even if I did get it, I probably wouldn't believe it was sincere, I would have figured he was just saying it to try and get me off his back.

In other words, it's a no-win situation. You want him to restore what he "took" from you. But he won't. Not only won't he, but I doubt that he CAN.

It won't happen instantly, and it will take some work, but you have to work on accepting all of that, and finding peace within yourself, not looking to him to restore it.

I know at times I wanted to just scream that it wasn't fair, and MAKE him tell me what was going through his head. It was so hard to make myself accept that I was probably never going to know, and even if I did, it wouldn't make me feel better, and wouldn't change anything. But continuing to look for those answers from him just kept me dwelling on the past instead of working toward the future.

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: penguin ]</small>