Just got back from the attorney's office signing D papers on my WH. I did a Plan A but never managed to pull off Plan B. Went to Plan D. Bad MB example.

Second-guessing a lot today. Probably normal when I'm making a decision that has such a huge impact on my life and the lives of others.

Won't post all my story right now. It's all on GQII.

Just wondering if anyone else on here was the BS who filed, or if you were filed on by the WS. If you were the BS, how long did you wait before doing it, did you do Plan A and or Plan B. Did you struggle with guilt or second-guessing?

LL

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

You are a good MB example. You did your very best with Plan A and Plan B, but your H never woke up and tried to be a good H to you. You finally chose your own dignity over the shell of a marriage that you had.
Cherished

Welcome!

I had the D papers drawn up for months before I signed them. I only just now sent a settlement proposal to my H. I filed in Sept. 03! Almost a year later.

I moved out in April 03, but remained in contact with my H under Steve Harley's care and later under the care of another MC. However, according to many here, I didn't do a Plan B.

Anyway, sorry it came to this. It gets better. It gets ugly, but how much uglier could it get than what you've been though already?

It does get better. And you know what? I don't think divorce is the end. It's a beginning.

((((((((LL)))))))))

I, too, am posting here...I am JUST ON THE EDGE of filing. I have no idea what I am waiting for! My WH adamantly opposes a D, but I'm thinking, you don't really get a say in this...just like I didn't get a say in his A.

There are great people here on this board, just awesome. I know we will both gain strength and knowledge from them as we move forward.

I feel better already after being here for about a week. The boards are much more relaxed and slower, thank God! You know how fast the GQII boards go, I'm sure!!

We all reach the point of no return....and the ultimate desire to reclaim ourselves and end the absolute ZANY world we have rolled into. For me, it was a vow I made to myself months ago....I WILL NEVER BE LIED TO AGAIN!

I had Plan A'd my A-off, probably too long. She seemed to be coming around here or there, but there never was enough SF for me (since the A was still ongoing) and that always hurt me as I wanted to please her so badly this way, I was constantly rejected. Also, she never was honest and forthcoming, I never let my blinders down. To her, she felt like a piece of meat as she would say which was the exact opposite effect of what I wanted.

That was mid-May, we filed jointly mid-June and I basically ended "friendly" contact with her to distance myself from further pain.

I think she believed I would always be there for her...she took the D paperwork to the courthouse and called me, "I am about to go in with the paperwork, is there anything you wish to say to me?" and other idiot comments similar to this over the next 4 weeks.

I have no regrets, I closed that door long ago, I now know what a corrupt, lying, materialistic, dishonest person she is and look at her in a totally different way.

I believe ours will be contested and have to go to court as there is an issue of maintenance/alimony that she will probably owe me. I am already planning for that day with a brand new suit and my rock solid 6'1" tanned and solid 180 lb. frame ready and confident of the outcome.

Get cracking on yourself, don't look back, it will only get you misery and discomfort, focus on the NOW and GET YOUR LIFE BACK FROM THESE IDIOTS!!!!!

Thanks for your responses and encouragement that this will be a beginning of something better.

I've tried to figure out what it is I'm feeling today because it's causing me a lot of tears again (thought I had that more under control).

I don't think I'm regretting not doing a Plan B necessarily. I'm just having a tough time dealing with the guilt of being the one to "pull the plug" on the marriage.

I'm worried about struggling with "what if's". But WH has always made it clear he has no intentions of ever remarrying again. The legal issues of being M don't seem to get in either his way or OW's way so I doubt he'd ever file (as far as I know, she's never filed on her H either, though he's living with another woman).

Being stuck in limbo, and watching this crazy story continue to get crazier, and worrying that he was going to screw up financially and take me with him because he's making some really poor lifestyle choices...I know logically it was the right move. Just sort of waiting for my heart to catch up.

LL

Hey!!

Do you think all your GQII buddies will jump over here to post to you? If so, we better get some milk and cookies! haha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

lordslady, I was the BS, and my exH was also an abusive/addictive person. He would have NEVER filed on me, and not because he loved me or cared one hoot about me...but because he had what he wanted. I'm not being disrespecful to myself, just stating it as I see it: for the last three years of our marriage, I wanted him, and he had numerous OW who also wanted him, plus I was live-in babysitter, cook, housekeeper, bookkeeper and on-demand sex whenever he couldn't find it somewhere else. In addition, I was available for him to blame his choices on, and whatever was his responsibility was MY problem so that he could avoid any kind of self-reflection.

Does this sound familiar?? Why in the world would he WANT to file for divorce? He had an awesome setup!!

To this day I very, VERY strongly believe in marriage and that marriage is a lifelong commitment, so it was very hard on me to make the decision to file something that was against my values. I tried for three+ years to SAVE the marriage, not end it!!

What helped me a lot was that ultimately I was not the only one responsible for choosing to end the marriage. He chose to end it too when he chose to keep being unfaithful rather than learn to be faithful. He chose to end it too when he chose to ignore my ENs and demand that his be met--and if I couldn't then threatening to find someone who could. He chose to end it too when he decided to deny his mental illnesses and addictions, and blame his behavior on me. He made the choice to end our marriage too when he refused to look toward himself and take personal responsibility for the choices he made. He ended the marriage just as surely as I did when he consciously decided to continue to abuse me and hurt me physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally rather than face his own demons and protect me.

LL, it's part of the Five Steps of Decision-Making to second guess yourself, so what you're going through is completely normal. But don't get stuck here too long. He could have made different choices--ones that involved respecting you and acknowledging your value and worth--he just didn't. Yes, you are losing your right arm, but it has gangrene and will kill you...remember?


CJ

Lordslady,

Yesterday, I watch a friend's children (ages 3, 5, 8) while she filed for divorce. I sent her to the lawyer I had found last year when I was considering divorcing my H. The lawyer said something very astute -- the H took the "coward's way" of filing for divorce. He didn't actually "pull the plug" on the marriage -- what he did was fabricate charges of domestic violence and ask for a hearing that she (a stay at home mother, very caring and committed) be removed from the home and pay him child support to care for the children. He cut off her access to the checking account and took the car that was paid off.

I think you may want to consider if you were the one to "pull the plug" on the marriage.

Cherished

I'm ready for my plate of choco chip cookies and a tall glass of cold milk! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LL,

I didn't follow you over here but like you,I may end up spending more time on this board than GQII.You're not the only BS to file that's for sure.I thought I held that title of only BW to file on WH.

I have to say that after all the time and posts you gave,you actually went out and filed on your WH.What a gal! What guts! Like I mentioned to you before,you have done a lot to try and salvage a marriage that quite frankly sounded irreparable.

I have not once second guessed my decision to file.One day I felt like God was telling me that's enough.It still feels like the right thing at this point.Don't worry too much over your decision.If anything is meant to change for you it will happen before the D goes through.Or things could change afterward but don't hope for that.Hope for a better way of life and some peace and serenity.I for one,am looking forward to when the disgusting, painful effects of adultery are not consuming my thoughts each waking hour!

We're with you.

O

O,

One day I felt like God was telling me that's enough.

I've been looking for "signs" or billboards or whatever for a long time from God, to try and figure out what I was supposed to do. I know one can read a lot into things that happen in their lives and call them "signs" when they're nothing of the sort.

But I guess the three final straws/signs/whatever that said to me, "LL, this is stupid!" were as follows:

1) OW's booby pic (and other pornographic nonsense) on WH's cell phone--being flashed around by WH at DD's bday last week.

2) WH's supposed upcoming trip to Paris with OW (though if they don't get rolling on their passports, they won't be going anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

3) WH's boozed-up or cranked-up (or whatever was polluting his brain) threats about making my parents sell their house to pay him out his 1/4 if I try and contest splitting my 401k with him (like I said, it's okay if Mom drives ME nuts and I get angry, but no one else better threaten my family, least of all a guy who they still profess love for after everything that's gone on.)

Hopefully my doubts will subside bit over time. I feel like not only am I making a huge decision for my own life, but I'm affecting SO many other lives as well, I don't like that part.

WH did call me this afternoon. He hadn't received any papers yet. Actually called about some stuff with the camper we sold.

But he sounded very calm, and non-threatening. More and more I wonder if he wasn't just waiting for me to make the decision because he couldn't or wouldn't.

LL

I know what you mean LL and O.

The sign from me was the OW programmed WH's cellphone with her # and labelled it with "Your Sweetness", which he thought was "funny". That was it for me, the absolute last straw in a LONG line of the most disrespectful bullsh*t I have ever beheld! (BTW, more "straws" have happened since then, so proof again and again this M is going nowhere)

BUT, nothing beats the porno on the phone, LL. That is a prize winner. Frankly, I wouldn't have needed any other "sign" besides that one. Geez, what a slime!

If I waited for WH to file, I would be dead and gone by then. I don't want to waste another minute of my life. I can do so much better (repeating the mantra of my happily married friends).

We are SO gonna be better chicks because of all of this!

Have you noticed yet that M people tell you "Good for you!" when you tell them about the D, but D people tel you "I'm sooooo sorry" and give you a big tender hug? I've noticed...

Plan D doesn't mean there is the point of no return. You could remarry in the future, but you will want a marriage with a man who is interested in showing you care. That's what I am telling my friend. What she is really doing is recognizing that she didn't have a marriage; that's not the same thing as not being open in the future.

The sign from me was the OW programmed WH's cellphone with her # and labelled it with "Your Sweetness",

Oh yeah, he had one of those numbers on his phone when the A first started. When she called, his caller ID read "my babe". He also sort of just shrugged it off and said she programmed it, as he said about his pic, that she put it on there for him. (And who LEFT it there???)

And I also believe the booby pic was captioned something like "for you baby" or something like that.

How sweeeeet! (blech!)

LL

PUKE!

My WH still didn't change the caption or anything...OMG, why do I actually think he would??? This is so goshdarn depressing!

How did people come up with the reatainer for your lawyer? Mine said to get a new credit card in my name and charge it on that. Does that sound right? I'm not gonna liquidate stocks...I'm saving that for the kids. He'll probably sell his off and buy something stupid with his share.

I am going through a mediator myself which should be infinitely less expensive.I still have to go through a lawyer for the final touches though.

LL,like Cherished said and WAID,I could have waited until I was 80 years old for WH to make any decision for himself let alone our marriage which wasn't resembling a real marriage anyway the past 10 months.He was *incapable.Although I am sure he has some "happiness" in the fact that I made the decision for him and now he can skip along back to the homewrecker knowing he didn't have to do a darn thing,I know it will come back to haunt him in the future.He will never know how great a marriage we could have had for ourselves and for our children.This D is going to cost him big time in every way.

There's just so much disrespect you can take even from a WS and then you have to say enough.We have all had our share and more and I still cannot believe some of the things my WH has done to me but I can't hold onto that pain,it brings me down.


Hang in there ladies!

O

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 08:54 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I don't think a mediator will work for us since he SAYS he will fight me on everything!

Oops, don't wanna thread jack our friend!!!

LL, I know you will be second guessing yourself and going through another round of grieving now that things are rolling out. How long will it take to be final??

In Iowa, the waiting period is a minimum of 90 days after the papers are served. It can obviously take a lot longer. Depends on what we agree or don't agree on.

I'm feeling very nauseaus today, I think because he's being so darned calm all of a sudden, and it's making me think back to our better times. He still hasn't said whether or not he got the papers yesterday (nor have I asked) but he did send a text asking if he'd need a police escort if he came to get some things, so I'll take that to mean that they did arrive.

I also have this really tough time Biblically with where D and re-M is concerned, so that's adding to my struggle.

I'm sure I'll feel better again soon.

LL

Wow, 90 days...I am so jealous. SIX MONTHS in Vermont. Agony and torture if you ask me...

What's with the police escort thing he said? Is he just being a wisea$$, or is there some kind of order in there?

Adultery is the ONLY allowable reason to divorce, right? Don't even think about re-marriage right now, OK? LL, you have been through the absolute wringer...God has shown you the way out and you are taking that path. He has something better in store for you. So much better...

WAID,

Well, I borrowed my retainer from my sister. I mentioned it to my lawyer, and she told me that that loan would count towards the marital debt when it came time to split things up. (I'm in MD by the way - don't know if it would be different in other states.) As it turned out, that didn't matter, since rather than trying to figure out what debt counted, what didn't, etc., I kept the house and all the debts in my name (the credit cards that were just in my name had been used as general use cards for both of us through the marriage.) And he kept the debt in his name - credit cards and other debt in just his name that I never knew about. My lawyer said that since that was all debt he had incurred to conduct the affair, it wouldn't be considered marital debt, and he would have had to keep it all anyway.

I then just saved up to pay her back - which I did already. Didn't pay her back until all the papers were signed though. I wanted to make sure that if he started changing his mind, I had that to add to the debt....

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: penguin ]</small>

Regarding the comments about paying the retainer...

In Iowa, it is considered marital debt as well, so when things are all split, the legal bills for D are split as well.

I happened to be lucky and had a CD put away for DD's future education (a small CD, mind you). With DD's issues, I am not holding my breath on college, and will worry about that when the time comes, so pulled the CD and used part for the retainer, and am planning on paying off some joint debt with the rest.

If you have a credit card, could you get a cash advance from it for the retainer if you had to?

LL