Well, here I am, where's the milk and cookies?

Believer...what are you doing over here on this board???

I haven't been over on GQII lately, or here for that matter. Took DS to college on Fri/Sat. Won't see him again until Labor Day weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The D issue is pretty boring right now. WH calls and gets ugly, then will be nice, then will be ugly again. I prefer not to talk with him except to discuss legal matters. Trying to keep him on my good side.

Bigger issues are with daughter right now. School is concerned because she skipped out on registration. May have a transportation issue that I can't solve. She's still being defiant and doing whatever she pleases.

I'm fighting to keep her at home because I can't bear the thought of the state putting her in a group home, nor can I accept that I'd have to sell my house because I can't afford to pay child support to the state. But sometimes I wonder why I put up with day after day of letting her make my blood pressure high. I'm starting to resent her.

(For those of you unfamiliar with my little saga: my 15-yr-old DD has ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and some form of depression. She refuses to take meds. The chaos she has created and my inability to get her to respect my WH (or anyone) is one of the reasons cited by WH for ending up with OW. She is very difficult to single-parent, and this whole mess of a year has not helped her. Anyone with delinquent/defiant teens feel free to chime in with things that have worked. Consequences don't, nor do rewards.)

LL

LL - The only reason I came here is for the milk and cookies. Where are they?

But seriously, I filed for D today. Just ran out of steam.

Re your daughter, most turn out okay. I was a real wild one as a teen, but came out okay. Also you might see if there are any toughlove groups there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> LL - The only reason I came here is for the milk and cookies. Where are they?

But seriously, I filed for D today. Just ran out of steam.

Re your daughter, most turn out okay. I was a real wild one as a teen, but came out okay. Also you might see if there are any toughlove groups there. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why did you have to bring up the milk and cookies? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Man I miss dunking chips ahoy cookies in a glass of milk

Joey - Came here because several pages back, someone offered milk and cookies for all new posters. Well, still waiting, tapping my foot.

I'm still waiting on the cookies myself (not much of a milk drinker, though if they're really soft and squishy, warm chocolate chip cookies, it might be pretty tasty! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

FaithfulNewCJ...people are asking. Where are the goodies????

Believer, it sounds like I need to do some reading up of your posts. I'm sorry to hear your situation, but know what you mean. I don't always feel that great knowing I was the one who decided to D, but at least feel like I'm not completely in limbo anymore.

LL

LL - Well to answer your question - I'm completely happy that I filed, what a relief! Of course, it's only been one day.

Hmmm, the milk and cookies are slow in coming. But I'm hanging in here...........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

HOORAY!!

Here are the milk and cookies for the gang from GQII~!!

I have big, homemade chocolate chip cookies, and whole milk--we are indulging! Okay, now only 12 per person please. I realize we are moping divorcing people here, but really--12 chocolate chip cookies should cure anything! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

BTW, lordslady and believer...how are you guys doing? I know it sucks to be the one who believes in marriage and has to file (been there), yet I don't think either one of you reached this conclusion lightly, and I KNOW you both worked your butts off! Did you have a good day today?


CJ

CJ -

Yawn, waking from a slumber (while waiting for cookies and mild). My day was great. Since I filed I feel wonderful.

I did the best I could for as long as I could. WH kept giving me just enough to keep me hanging on. I never thought I would be the one to file.

However, over the last 19 months, as he kept draining our money wining and dining OW (who, according to him, has no interest in material things - although she did help him go thru over $100,000.), I have decided to wake up and watch out for my interests.

My very last itty bitty teeny weeny bit of love for him just leaked out. I tried to patch the leak, catch the love, and hold onto it, but it was gone.

Believer
Hey girl! Fancy meeting you here! The D/D board is so much more relaxed and slower. The people are awesome, too!

I'm getting ready to file myself, and now Fogman wants to do phone counseling with SH with me. WTF? He has not changed a single thing, so I'm done. Of course, I'm an absolute wimp compared to you and LL, but my little babies need a momma who is happy.

Not that I think a D will necessarily make us happy per se, but I totally can relate to the sense of relief you are feeling. Limboland SUCKS! At least there is a direction to be heading...instead of nowhere.

I feel like I've woken up, too. I feel a lot stronger and able to make better decisions for me and the kids. Somebody has to have their sh*t in gear!

So, welcome to the D/D boards. GQII was getting way too depressing while I first decided to file. There is much comfort, strength and experience here.

Believer, I'm glad to hear you're doing so well. I guess the title of my thread is no longer all that valid for me either. I'm done second-guessing, at least at this moment.

Right now I'm perplexed (that's a nice way of putting it) by how the man who just a few short days ago accused me of not having enough time for my daughter can just blow me off when it comes to issues with that same daughter that I've now asked for his help with. (Of course keeping in mind that from mid-May until 8/4 he didn't so much as lay eyes on her--too busy, blah, blah, even though we live only miles apart.)

DD starts back to school tomorrow. Things were not set up the way I anticipated they would be with her afternoons--she attends an alternative HS and is currently only scheduled for morning classes.

Because there is no bussing to the school from our house and we're a good 5 miles away, I drop her in the mornings, but school doesn't start until 8:45. It's another 1/2 hour to my work on a good day, so I don't get in until after 9am.

Now, she's done at noon. Again, no bussing. I am afraid leaving work at 11:30 to do the long-lunch thing to pick her up, drop her at home, and go back to work will jeopardize my job if I do it daily, given that I'm already coming in late each day. (not to mention the extra gasoline use and wear and tear on my car!)

So I text'd and voice messaged my WH, asking if he was still on for Friday pickups (he did them last year when it was her only early out day) and if he could maybe pick up one other day as well, since I was doing all weekday drop-offs.

No response. No acknowledgement that I left the messages. Won't answer his phone. (Oh, and no child support yet this week either.)

But remember...I don't have enough time for my DD, he says.

Nope, not questioning my decision. He's in a fog. Foggy, foggy, fog....

CJ,

All this milk and cookies talk is making me really consider going to the store and picking up ingredients for the real thing! DD is out somewhere getting her blue hair dyed green tonight (this is probably right before it all falls out), so it's just me here. The perks of being essentially single--no worries about others not liking what I cook!! If I want milk and cookies for dinner, I can have it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LL

believer,

I SOOOOOoooooo understand where you are coming from. I never thought I'd be the one to file either, but after discovering proof of the 13th affair (this one, explicit email), and after realizing that when a person gives you just crumbs and doesn't follow through, that what they really mean is "I don't want to or intend to do this"--I filed.

The day I filed, I cried in the car. I loved him for most of my adult life and did not want to lose him--how could I not cry? But I also felt relief that I was making the choice to step off the rollercoaster and bring peace to my life. It wasn't always like I thought it would be (I thought I'd file and would basically not hear from him again), but it did gradually get better and better and better every day. One day I sort of looked around and realized...I was happier than I had been in a LONG time--happier than I thought was even possible! I kind of figured I would be forever lonely, miserable, and sad--and instead I enjoyed life and felt love from my friends.

I also felt a lot of peace knowing that I had changed a lot; I had taken responsibility for my issues and done something about them; and I done EVERYTHING and beyond to save my marriage. I did good.

So, chick, I think you just might make it!!

**********************

lordslady,

May I suggest that you rename this thread: "No more second-guessing, my decision to divorce is solid"? Good for you!!

I totally do understand how rough it is to make this decision--especially when you are the one who WANTS the marriage and loves the man!! I so strongly relate to you because although my ex's addiction of choice is sex/porn, it's got control of him and his mind and his choices just as surely as if it were drugs or alcohol. It's heartbreakingly sad to see the ones we love make choices that are going to hurt them, isn't it?

Meanwhile, all you can do is put some space between you and him, be true to your true self (you know...that lordslady who has been hidden while to try to accomodate him), and do what it best for your DD no matter how hard it is.

Your DD reminds me of my DS. He is 17yo and went through quite a phase of punk dress, shaved head, pierced ear plugs, black EVERYTHING, listening to ICP and just bad music...he was frankly a mess!! But have hope, lordslady, he is coming around.

My son has ADHD but since he has had it since he was in 3rd grade, we did have some skills to deal with it--but I think it did contribute. He didn't want to take his pills and wanted to be wild and crazy... etc. As related to ADHD, being in an abusive home, having a bipolar and BPD father, our divorce--my DS had a few issues too such as starting to be demanding, modeling abuse, stuffing his feelings, being told porn and SA are "normal" and "okay" (you get the drift). It did take some time, but in our home now I model healthy relationships--respectful requests instead of demands--mutuality rather than abuse--using words to say what I think and feel--being assertive, not aggressive--and keeping the dialogue open regarding sex and porn.

lordslady, it hasn't been easy, but he has slowly discovered for himself which parent makes the time for him and which one dumps him. He has slowly discovered for himself that the respect and mutuality and asking for what he needs works a lot better. He actually did go to therapy, and that helped him a TON--so that now we may approach life differently but his approach is MUCH healthier, MUCH less self-destructive, and much more mentally healthy. I believe your DS will get there too. As you two live with less of the effects of alcoholism and affair-addiction...as you (lordslady) begin to model for her what HEALTHY behavior looks like...as you give her the tools to speak about it and deal with it better...I have hope that she will do better too.

Your STBX is going to do what he's going to do--and that is occasionally going to be behaving like a [censored]!--but you just keep on doing what you need to do and keep your focus on your actions and doing what is best for your DD.


CJ

Yep - Still rock solid in my decision to file for the big D. The man I married is dead. And my new husband is not anyone I would ever want to be friends with.

I have no bad thoughts for him and OW. In fact, hope they do well.

Well, if WH (or I guess now it's STBXH) keeps up his ugliness, you'd think my remainging love for him would die pretty quickly.

Actually, it's his family I'm grieving the loss of now. Their annual family reunion is labor day weekend--my annual opportunity to see aunts, uncles, cousins and all the family that I only see once a year. Or course I'm not going.

I don't see his family all that often. But when we did get together, they were always really fun, warm occasions. Along with having 2 full sisters, STBX has 3 step-siblings and 1 half-brother on his dad's side. The three steps all have little kids of their own. It's just a really great time. My family gets together often, but we're small and we don't have any small kids anymore. And my mom is rather uptight and dad has Alzheimers, so it's just a different environment.

But now OW will be their family instead of me. And because she's closer to his step siblings' age, she'll probably fit in beautifully.

So I'm feeling sorry for myself. I hate what infidelity and D do to families. No one really wins in the end. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
----------------------------------------------
But right now I'm not questioning my decision. In fact, I've had two conversations with the OW on the phone tonight and they were far more sane than anything I've had with STBX/WH lately.

All he does is pick fights anymore. He turns everything around on me. I asked him for a silver dollar back that he took from the house when my son let him in last week. It's a momento from my company. That's all I asked--and I asked nicely. He got hateful and said "Fine! I'll bring EVERYTHING back!" and started throwing the attorney threat around.

I asked him to help by picking up our daughter from school two days a week because of these new arrangements of no afternoon school. He called tonight to inform me that OW would be picking her up ALL days per week. I said, "No, I'd like to split it and get her a couple days myself." I was informed that THIS was the way it was going to be and that there were going to be things happening that I wouldn't like.

I talk as calmly and as patiently as I can. He gets irate, snaps at me, and hangs up.

So finally I called back after leaving three texts that didn't get answered and OW answers as I hear in the background, "I'm in the bathroom". It's his favorite trick in the book to get out of talking on the phone. So I said, "Can I talk to STBX?"

He's busy, I'm told. (Yeah, remember I just heard him tell her to tell me that when she answered. Far be it from me to bring a lie to light.)

"Okay", I said, "Maybe I can talk to you."

So I proceed to explain to her that I am not trying to, as he puts it, "bend him over". I do not want to fight. I'm tired of fighting. I want the house, I want my silver dollar, and I want a few other things. Other than that, it's all up for grabs. I explained that the reason I changed the locks is because I want to know what he's taking.

She says she understands.

So I proceed to tell her my thoughts on picking up my daughter and explain that contrary to popular belief, I DO understand that STBX and her are currently together and that I do not plan on keeping my daughter away. We settle on her picking up DD on M/W/F and me picking her up on T/TH.

Okay, that conversation went fairly well once STBX wasn't involved.

So just a few minutes ago my phone rings again. It's OW. She needs to know if I have STBX's birth certificate. They need it for passports to go to France. Long story short, I have agreed to bring what I have and she has allowed me to stop by their place tomorrow to drop it. Again, all this discussed without HIS involvement.

Why can't people just be civil during a D? Why does it have to be some bitter, ugly, fight?

Maybe he's trying to pick the fight because he knows what he's doing is wrong and if he gets me to fight with him, it's easier to justify?

LL

Oh me, me!! Pick me!! I know this one!!!

He is picking fights because he is an alcoholic under the influence of his drug. His mind is NOT clear, the drinking doesn't help, and the affair clouds him beyond the ability to reason.

And btw, I am not being judgemental here or putting him down, just stating it like a medical fact. I think EVERYONE here on MB knows an angry drunk--and your stbx is one. He is picking fights because it's all he can do. It's desperation grasping at what little control he does have. That's all.


CJ

Hey all, well still real happy about filing. I just want this all to end. Nineteen months of this has been too long.

I am happy that I found MB, though. I have made a lot of changes. For one thing, I have never lived alone or been on my own. It was scarey at first, but I am enjoying it.

Hope you are doing well, and getting on with your lives in peace.

Hi Ladies,

It sounds like you all are having some fun over here so I'm crashing! Let's have an "I FILED FOR A D" party.We are strong,educated,smart,loyal,committed and friendly women forging the way toward new goals and happiness! We are in control now,no more limbo! We are taking our lives back from the brink.

Now,where is my milk and my twelve cookies,I hope they are warm! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

O

Octobergirl -

Yes! A D party, I love it. I have been following your posts, but not posting to you much. I guess I am new at this and don't have a lot of advice. However, I am very relieved to finally file.

I have been going thru this for too long. I was so tired of listening to WH's lies and smiling. The last time that he went on and on about how he and OW were "not living together", I burst out laughing, and blew wine all over my new dress.

Believer! LOL

You are too much but worth every penny!

I feel good about filing too as odd as that sounds.I'm sure we all agree it's not what we ever really wanted but someone has to stop the madness right? Our WS's would just keep dragging us along for the ride if we let them.

My WH is up in the he** hole right now with the homewrecker,probably out at some bar laughing it up and ignoring his family,parents included.Nice guy.

Well,here's to uncomplicated D's and fast recoveries,heart mind and soul.

~Night~