Well the divorce process has started. I plan to give some updates as it goes so others can learn on this site. Each state is different I live in CA, a community property state, no fault. My wife cheated on me, but it makes no difference to the judge. You can't use this as leverage. I think this is probably best, proving the other party is at fault in a bad marriage is fruitless, both parties have failed, unless another law is violated such as abuse.

I went to the lawyer to get an initial look. I paid $200 for a about a 1 1/2 hour look. Going into that he asked for a breakdown of assets, debts, and income. I put it together in an excel spreadsheet. I told him up front my goal was to divide and be fair. He said that was a good goal, but to add, only be fair up to what the law allows.

The assets will be split 50/50, but income does not have to be split 50/50, I learned that the difference between my gross and hers, is subject to a 20-30% difference rule. In other words, I don't have to split the total income 50/50. Only 20-30% of difference. This was good news to me because I earn about 120k per year versus my wife's 30k. He said I will have to continue with alimony indefinitely because we were married for 20 years, until she re-marries. OUCH! But on the good side, my wife is very good looking for 51, a slim 36, 24, 26, really a sexy babe, I paid for a nose job and boob job, and my lawyer said, good for you "nice investment", she is looking like a 40 year old while 52, and will want to re-marry quickly. She needs a mate. So I expect only a year at most for support. Most likely she will marry the guy she cheated with, which is my hope. But he has some problems, and it may not happen. When she told me she cheated on me with him, my first reaction, was, when can you move out with him? I don't think either of them had a plan.

A divorce is really a financial matter. Your love must be dead to do a good job at it. Don't proceed until you are sure, or it's not likely to be a good process.

I'll report more, so everyone can benefit!

My lawyer encouraged me to share all the assets/liabilites owned and income numbers, and told me to tell my Wife to seek an initial consultation with another lawyer. BE HONEST!

So right now, I'm compiling a data book with all the numbers.

BEST TO ALL!

Hi shock,

I'm currently in the same situation, about to get a divorce. We don't have much asset besides a house that we just bought. I have agreed to give her everything and i would just move and start a new clean life. My income is a little bit more than her. I'm pretty sure she's not going to press for alimony since I have agreed to transfer all the properties to her.
Oh, i'm in CA as well.

Thanks,

I've been over on GQII for a while but as of today consider myself to be eligible to post here, too. My WH will be served with D papers tomorrow.

Your comment about love needing to be dead in order to have a good D process sort of scares me.

I do still care greatly about my WH. However, there are a lot of really ugly things that have been flaunted in my face during his still-ongoing affair. It's been going on for almost a year and I've just lost my fight.

He's been in my life since I was 15. My family (parents, sis, etc) still tell me they love him. We're all just very disappointed with his choices in life.

Also, he's a substance abuser, and having the first chance I've had in my life to really step back from our relationship and look at it honestly, I realize that while I would go to the ends of the earth for him, we really have never had a normal M.

He is, as a therapist we both saw for a while put it to me, "emotionally stunted". We started dating in our teens. Problem is, he's stuck there (and at pushing '40, this isn't good).

He has many times told me that I changed and am not the woman he married. He is correct. But I'm not willing to go back to being the partying, drinking, un-Christian teenager who had no responsibilities and he's not willing to give that life up.

So here I am. On the D/D board. Reading everyone's posts.

I wish I were as confident as you sound about pulling the plug on my marriage.

LL

LL,

Well, I ended up doing fine through the divorce process. I was able to stand my ground, insist on what was fair, and not let him bully me into giving things up. And when I started the process, I did still love my X, just not the things he had done to me. In fact, when I went to the lawyer to start figuring out where I stood, I hadn't even told him yet that I was done. We had still been going to counseling and trying to reconcile - but I had told him that I was willing to work on things as long as he had quit living with OW and was really trying. When I found out he had been lying the whole time (3 1/2 months), and that he had never moved out from living with her like he told me and our counselor.... well, I had told him that if he went back to her, that would be the end. I'm not sure that I would have stuck to that if he had just gone back to her. But to find out that he had never really left, just said he did.... I knew it was done.

But at that time, there was still a lot of love left, even if I was very hurt, and I knew that could make it difficult for me to stand up for myself against him. So I did a few things:

1. I got MAD. Not violent mad, and I tried to keep it out of the talk and e-mails with him as much as possible, but I knew I needed to be mad. Not at him so much as what he had done. I got mad, thinking that my life would have to change, and that I might lose so much of what I had worked for all these years, just because he decided he wasn't happy, and that I wasn't a consideration really in any of it. I got mad, and decided that he was the one who wanted the change, so he was the one who should live with the consequences of that decision.

2. I found a lawyer who was not vicious, but who was calm and reasonable and who would help me figure out what was fair and realistic. And then I listened to her. I told myself that due to circumstances, I knew my judgement might not always be the best, so I relied on her. (But first, I made sure she was someone who could be trusted to look after my best interests, not what would help her make more money. They are aout there!) And I recruited a few friends that I knew, even though they were on "my side," I could count on them to tell me if I went too far in either direction - either giving up too much, or being vindictive towards him. Though part of me wanted to be vindictive, I knew that would likely come back to haunt me too, so I was just shooting for fair, to both of us.

3. I looked at it this way, as well - my X took a destructive path. A lot of debt, a lot of lies, a lot of hurt. It seemed (and still does seem) to me as if he lost his mind. Well, when you love someone like that, loving them doesn't mean rolling over and giving them whatever they want. It sometimes means protecting yourself and protecting them from themselves. And I looked at it that way - why should I give up money, home, things I'd worked for, etc., when he'd already shown he would just use it all to continue pursuing this destructive course. I looked at it as preserving whatever I could, in case he ever did regain his senses, so that everything wasn't lost in the process. Now, of course, even if he did come to his senses, it wouldn't matter. It's too late - any love I had for him as a wife is gone. But at the beginning, when that love was still there, seeing things as protecting him from himself helped a lot.

It's unfortunate that the legal part of separating your life together like this usually ends up happening before you've gotten a chance to get past the feelings that make it hard to be impartial about dissolving your marriage. But you can do it without getting taken advantage of, and without being vindictive. But it takes a lot of self-discipline - and, if you ask me, a lot of help from those who aren't directly involved in the situation (e.g., your family is probably not a good choice!) and who can be a bit more impassionate about it.

A divorce is a financial matter.

Once you decide to split, your love must be dead. You can wish your ex the best, but its no longer your concern. Your concern is what is best for you. Building new relationships and moving on.

If not, seek reconciliation.

In my case, I no longer love my wife. She doesn't love me. I want to move on, and build a new life.

You can love someone even through a divorce ... not all people are like you shocktreatment .. please don't put us all in the same bottle.

I still carry some love and care for xH, even though he abused me, even though I'm the one who filed, all love doesn't need to die.

I also have friends who still have love for each other, but just didn't feel like they could live together any more (personality conflicts). They divorced but they still care and have love for wach other -- just not husband and wife love.

We aren't all the same.

way2

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

I had a consultation and the attorney told me right out - that I was not emotionally ready to file for a D..I was too weak..I need to be strong in order to battle by WS.

Sorry to say this - but, should we D - I won't give up anything easily. This is a man I begged to give our M another try - to put effort in - to stop seeing OP. He won't stop so I won't stop till I get my fair share and then some.

I'm 47 and also have kept myself in very good shape - I don't think I'll have any trouble finding someone else...in fact, my WH friends have told him this. But, I won't waste my time looking I'm afraid I'd end up right where I am right now...We have so much to lose family, friends, financial assets. Since we own a business the likelyhood of my finding another job at this rate of pay, and flexibility is slim to none..Hope I get a lifetime of alimony - cause every month he has to write that check will remind him that he could have changed it all and choose not to..

Way2> Good post.

I don't love my wife any more and she doesn't love me but I do have concerns about her, she is the mother of my son. I would like to see her remarry and be happy. I would expect to maintain a life long non-love relationship with her and my step kids from here. This would make me happy. But I would also like to find a love relationship with someone new.

If you are serious about divorce you must encourage your ex to be happy, and you must also seek happiness yourself.

Best Regards!

Well right now the shock is my wife

wants to delay the divorce/split of assets until next summer.

She cheated on me and continues to do so. Yet she wants the economic advantages I have provided.

Recently she went on a trip to Hawaii came back and I found her lovers T-shirt mixed in with the wash. I found this shirt in my closet. I felt like giving it a butt wipe after I took a **** and mailing it to the Other. I held off and threw it in the trash.

Forget revenge. My attornery advises me to be civil and encourage my wife to marry again so I don't have to pay alimony.

Good advice.

I want a divorce.

Wow. That s*cks. I would hate to stay in a marriage that really isn't a marriage, and to be stuck simply because she wants to take economical advantage of you? So, you are agreeing to the delay in order for a hope to get out of alimony? If she knows this, she could very well not get married on purpose just to keep collecting the money. Have her cake and eat it, too...

Michelle

Hi Michelle,

Your analysis is correct. Right now I'm the one pushing the divorce. I was hopeful, that she would move out and live with and marry her lover, but no go although I'm sure they are still playing around. I'm thinking of using reverse psychology soon, telling her she will never find another spouse, she will be left alone, never remarry, and be an old spinster, living off me forever, that may motivate her to find another spouse or force the other to commit. I hope so.

I've been a good economic provider but emotionally I've not provided my wife good support. I was a failure at that. Yet she never really understood the economics of our family, while I worked hard, IMHO she constantly over spent, and I think as frequently as I gave her less and less emotional support. I've asked my self over and over again why is that so? I think it came from our upbring. In my family we stressed savings and work and had no divorce, she came from a family of free spenders and of many divorces. Her father left her when she was 12, and she never saw him again. I think she suffers from much emotional distress from that, and needs constant emotional support. She is also afraid of growing old at 52. While I can provide a good economic background that isn't enough anymore.

I don't love her anymore. I want out. I was faithful, but not her. Our trust is broken and she no longer loves me either.

Even so, things are smooth, we don't argue and I'm thankful for that. I think the divorce will go smoothly.

I look forward to meeting someone new a building a new life. It's exciting.

Update. Sent the wife a spreadsheet of all of our assets and debts by email today. Asked her to review it. The spreadsheet format came from my lawyer. He told me to prepare a backup of all statements (bank, credit cards, etc.) to support it and include it in a backup folder. I plan to make a hardcopy of everything. He told me to hide nothing, and encouraged me to tell my wife to seek the advice of a lawyer for an initial review even though I hope for a mediation a quick close. I hope our divorce goes smoothly and we agree to a fair 50/50 distribution and reasonable alimony. If so, we can save a lot of money on court costs. He warned me to not say anything negative to my wife or our friends, seek the high road. If you want a smooth divorce don't use the court to seek retribution. Don't say anything negative about your wife, even though she had an affair. Just do it, and get out. You must be firm in your need to divorce. He indicated that if my wife remarries I would not be held accountable for alimony after that. My wife is good looking, has never lived alone, so I think its a good chance she will re-marry quickly. THat would make me happy. In our case, our love is dead, so I'm trying to get out of the marriage at a pace comfortable to both of us. The big concern is selling the house, our biggest asset. Then moving out and finding separate abodes. This will be a tough transition, but doable.

Hi Shocktreatment

The shirt in the wash (OUCH) reminds me of the bra I found in my bedroom not too long ago. They of course deny being in the bedroom and have actually concocted a bizarre scenario that someone must have planted it there...OMG, what idiots!

I have been hurt so much I don't think there would be hope even if he got rid of OW. He's scrambling now that I am filing, but who cares?

Our house went on the market on Monday. Is CA a no-fault state? Shouln't you get more since you have contributed more to the household?

Yes, over the years I've contributed

more than the wife to the assets. Back 20 years ago when we got married, I put the down payment down on the house. Maybe 20k. Back then, she was recently divorce with 2 kids and I took over the support while the ex gave no support. I never complained about that. I was totally in love with her. In our first year of marriage, we had a child together, my son, who is now 19 years old. It is now the best gift we have. My goal is to get him through college and onto a great life. He has a great girl friend, and many good friends and is drug free. I think he will be a big sucess.

Right now, I just want a fair split, and I want to move on. Its very tough. But I hope to find another to share my life with. I realize a very difficult transition is before me. A couple of times late at nite, alone, looking at the pictures on the wall, I have cried. Yet at the same time, I feel certain another love is ahead of me, post divorce. I'm optomistic and looking forward to that. I hope to find another to share the rest of my life with.