It's offical--I am divorced. There's a 3 month waiting period but that will pass. Last wednesday, it happened. We arrived at court separately and sat there in the pew together for about an hour before they we had to go up before the judge. We updated eachother on our lives because we haven't talked in a few months up til then. At one point, she asked me whther I wanted a ride back to the house because I took a cab into the city and I started to lose it and had to go cry in the bathroom. It is a very emotional day and afterwards I felt drained and sadder than ever before. I declined her offer to drive me back home.

Somw weird stuff happened though. First of all she kept asking if someone else drove me there or if I was seeing somebody else or if somebody gave me that rubber band on my wrist or if I was dating any of the "hot" girls on my softball team that she saw the night before which was another strange happening. Anyways, I told her no and she asks me whether or not I really wanted to go through with this and I said, No, I'm absolutely not sure. She says well we have 3 months waiting period and then not 2 minutes later she calls her lawyer over and asks her if the name change that she applied for would be all set that day. My reaction was WOW!, can her head spin all the way around like that girl in the Exorcist.

Another strange thing was that the Judge asks her to confirm that the gentleman standing besides her-me-is her husband and she says yes, but the judge raised his voice and said, Aren't you gonna even look at him? So she did and at that point I though about our wedding day and how this was somewhat similar with the audience and our lawyers stading on either end of us. I was a complete mess afterwards--crying in front of everyone around the court house and in the cab.

Anways, people say it's like a funeral and that's exactly true! You know what the sad part is for me know? It's that she doesn't seem to be doing very well. I mean she thought the grass was greener and from where I stand it looks to be in bad shape. She smokes now and drinks with her work buddies and her friends are all messed up and giving her advice while their own lives are like train wrecks. She won't see a counselor for this reason but I told her that I though she should--that it might help her figure things out that she didn't know. I care about her still and it just seems like she hasn't moved forward or healed. For me, I know more about myself and I enjoy my company now more than ever. One of the people said on this site that "To have peace, you must know yourself and to know yourself, you must be alone". I completely believe that. I don't think she has that same peace that I have and I want her to achieve one way or another. It's just missing from her and it makes me sad. That's the toughest part for me right now, knowing that there is nothing left of the person I used to admire and love. That person is gone forever and that's such a loss.

Coughlin,

I'm sorry to hear you going through such a rough time. I don't think I'll take it much better when it finally happens.

It doesn't matter how long it takes or how well you prepare youself. When the day comes that all you felt would always be is officialy over, it's a big hit.

You'll have brighter days ahead of you. Everyone does. Keep on getting to know you and be someone that you're proud to know.

WIWH