I am so stupid! Just as I start to consider counseling again, I find out there have been at least 8 OW. I guess I receive the award for the being blind the longest, 31 years. And maybe the most gullible. H insists only one was a PA. Does he think I will stay dumb forever? I have been separated for 9 months this time and have struggled with divorce the whole time. I kept hoping for a turn around. But I think it's over. I've tried everything.I thought lies and deceit were behind me. But seems as though it will never go away.

Primrose,
You sound exactly as I do. I want to believe everything is all on me but the truth is, the real problem lies with a person who is cronically unfaithful. Being trusting is not a character flaw but not being true to one's word and promises is!

I keep hoping that my stbx will eventually wake up and smell the coffee! Not gonna happen.

It just seems easier for me to do the right thing. I don't seem to be tempted with infidelity-now chocolate that's a different story. I don't understand why anyone would want to behave in such a way that would destroy others around them.

I guess I care about God's opinion of me more than getting involved in areas that will bring pain and destruction. His way is just better.

I would, any day, rather be thought of as naive than a liar and cheat. I would rather be thought of as boring than a disappointment to my family. I would rather live out my life in a peacful manner rather than endure the trauma of the exposure and devastation of an adulterous affair.

We all make our own choices and will eventually stand accountable for them. We're not responsible for other people's actions but quite often I look to myself as the cause. I guess when one has been told that for long enough, it settles into their thinking patterns.

Don't put yourself down for not seeing the signs. The real problem is not in your misperception but in the behavior you did not see. That's where the real problem lies....

I definitely don't think you are stupid...just value your marriage too much.

We were married for 22 years. He had 5 affairs that I know of ...and probably more than that. I still wanted to believe him tho...and worked so hard to get over them. I valued my family...we are divorced now for almost 2 1/2 years...I still have days when I can't believe he has done this to his family and to me. I also never dreamt of having an affair--and I could have many times. I believed in us---and unfortunately, he didn't. Take care of yourself...Pat

This is just my opinion based on my experience.

I don't think anyone who can commit adultery is in their right mind. If you ask anyone who has done it you will get a differnt answer as to why from everyone you ask. Many of them including my stbxw will tell you they are bad and they don't know why and they can't stop themselves. Even though they can at times see the pain and suffering they cause to people around them.

For 99 % of us this was a basic value we were taught when we were small. It is a simple a concept in my mind as not pointing a gun at someone and pulling the trigger. Pure and simple it is wrong. If there is a recognizable psychological malady that causes this then these people are sick and should be treated as such and required to get treatment.

But we as a society ( including myself and everyone here ) have come to accept that this is an acceptable behavior and carries no consequences other than the destruction of the lives of those affected. Many times the perpratraitor will not only get away without any form of consequence or justice but get rewarded by the court system by being handed assets of a marriage that they really don't deserve.

Look at Billy Clinton. Messes around and writes a book about it and the American public rewards him by buying his garbage.

Until we all as a society make this as unacceptable behavior as say smoking, it will continue to be tolerated and made easy for those wishing to do so.

Nobody dares say a word even when they encounter somone they know is being unfaithful. It's none of their business they think to themselves. I have this problem with black and white thinking. Either your part of the problem or your part of the solution.

Sorry folks just carrying on as I am frustrated with my own situation but I still believe all I have written.

Good Night,

David A

Primrose,

Sorry, hon, but I think I'm gonna steal that award right away from ya! We were married for 15 years, and there were 13 documented affairs varying from EA+flirting at work, to PA with two women at once, to EA-turned-PA internet liasons, to cybersex to ....???? Honestly, I suspect there were more, but there are 13 that I can document for the days when he says, "It wasn't as bad as you make it sound" or "You're just making that up in your head". DOCUMENTED.

Personally, I vote we start a club...something like the "I Believed in the Illusion of My Marriage" Club. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I am the kind of woman who took her vows seriously and who meant "lifetime" when she said "till death do us part." I very badly wanted my exH to choose the kids and I over his affairs. I very badly wanted my exH to face his sexual issues and deal with them! So for years, I chose to excuse his behavior and act like it wasn't happening...then I chose to HOPE that he would really change this time or he really meant it this time...then I chose to enforce my own boundaries which infuriated him...then I chose to address his issues and stop denying them...and then I chose to stop lying to myself.

I think you are not dumb. You were persistent. You had hope. You wanted better. Now, you are sad because the choice is still being made by your H to deny his problems and minimize and lie. You have reached a point where you can no longer lie to yourself about it, and you feel sad that the addiction to the sex is stronger than his love for you. You're grieving...not dumb.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


CJ