Hello MB friends,

It's been a long time since I posted on MB. In case anyone is wondering where I have been, I figured out a while ago that spending too much time here just caused me to relive past events too much. It left me stuck in a rut of guilt and depression and fixating on the past, rather than helping me move forward into the future on my own with a positive outlook. However, I do pop in from time to time to lurk.

Onto my question. My divorce was final back in April. I am a teacher. My surname gets used hundreds of times every day, if not thousands. I kept my married name post-divorce because originally, I thought:
a) I've had this name professionally for 8+ years, it's how people know me, why bother changing it
b) I didn't feel like explaining my personal life to my students (which I'd have to do if I changed my name back)
c) I had a slight hope of getting back together with my exH someday, and thought keeping the name would make things easier.

Well, now when people ask me my name, or when I ran into some students over the summer and they called out my name, I have had this overwhelming feeling of strangeness. I don't like the fact that I have some other family's name, and not my own name. The surname no longer means anything, it's just a label. I am not proud of it. In fact, it's sort of like a yucky reminder of the past.

Plus, I think I'd rather have my own name if/when I meet someone new. It would be disgusting if I ever remarried and someone had to use a wedding vow that included my exH's surname, "I take thee Jen Brown..." (Incidentally, "Brown is just a
fictitious name for MB.)

Lastly, my H has been with the woman he was sleeping with during our separation since we divorced. I know for a fact that he took her away on his big July fishing trip with his brothers, and he took her on the annual family camping trip this August, two things you only do in that family if you are comitted to a woman (or my controlling exMIL would not let her boys live it down). There is now ZERO chance of us reconciling. I've realized that basically, my H was two-timing me with this woman throughout our separation, if not before (I don't have proof, but many suspicions). My hopes for reconciling are POOF gone. I am not only legally divorced now, but emotionally as well.

So I am really leaning towards changing my name back to my maiden name. I would rather have my family name again, a name that I can be proud of, that means something to me. I have to decide before next Monday, when this year's school timetables etc. are going to be printed. I now don't really care at all what my students may think. I know that I am comfortable telling them that the reason for the name change is that I am on my own now. Heck, it will stop them asking finally when I am going to have kids hopefully! (We have had SO MANY pregnant women on staff in the last couple of years!)

So here is what I am wondering.....if you are a divorced woman and you went back to your maiden name,
a) why did you do so?
b) was it difficult to do so? (did it cost money?)
c) what was the response of people around you?
d) any advice for me?

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

How 'bout this year you be Mrs. Jen Maidenname Brown. People will get used to the Maiden Name. Then next year you just be Ms. Jen Maidenname.

Thanks for the suggestion, but the real names have way too many syllables to slap them together in my opinion. Besides, hyphenated names are supposed to be for people who just got married, not divorced! (Or more recently, for children in families where the mom never changed her name upon marriage, but gee whiz, I feel sorry for the kids I teach that have last names with 8 syllables! What happens when they get married?!) Anyway I just don't want to drag the other name around any more.

Jen

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

My divorce was final in June of this year. I had decided that I would take my maiden name back when I had start the divorce, so for me it was a matter of checking a box on the paperwork so it didn't cost anything. Here in CA, you have to file something with the courts to change your last name after the fact. The way I see it is that I became "Mrs. So and So" only because I was married to Mr. So and So and now that I am not married to Mr. So and So, I am not the Mrs. anymore. I will probably still get called the married last name when the kids start school and at their doctors appts. etc, but that won't bother me.

a) why did you do so?

1: I didn't want to keep the name of the man who divorced me. Why should I when he didn't want to be married to me anymore.

2: I didn't want to have THAT name on my headstone.

3: I felt it would help me to find myself again.


b) was it difficult to do so? (did it cost money?)

It was part of my divorce decree. I just went to the SS office and showed them the divorce papers and that was it. Same with drivers licenses.

c) what was the response of people around you?

It has been a positive response. Even though I am still called MRS from time to time, I just smile and correct them. Simple as that for me.

My children are really ok with it. Sometimes they tell me that want to change there name to mine.

d) any advice for me?

If you feel strongly about taking you maiden name back then I say DO IT! Your students will get use to it quickly and if they ask, tell them you are divorced and took back your maiden name. It may even help with a closing of a chapter in your life

Jen - surely you have heard my story....

Didn't change last name when I divorced because of my children, fact I didn't like my maiden name, and that was the only option available with the divorce but there was NO money for any additional legal action. His last name was easier and less yucky. Mine wasn't pretty. I had been teased about it and I had to spell it all the time then people couldn't pronounce it to suit me.

So, when x married wife #2, I decided the time was right. A friend who is an attorney handled it all for his cost....So, the friend had the petition typed up. One day he picked me up at work and took me to the notary to have the petition notarized then he took me back to my office. An hour later, he called me and said he was in the judge's quarters and she was ready to sign the petition if I had a good reason for choosing this name. I told him I had chosen the name that was my grandfather's, father's, and son's middle name. I got in my car to go meet with the judge and get my name changed. I went to work that day with doofus's last name and went home at the end of the day with my very own new name.

Because I reported the name to the state's Vital Records office - like you are supposed to do - they ammended my birth certificate. Therefore my new name, chosen after YEARS of consideration, is now my MAIDEN name. It is amazing.

It was one of the most healing things I have ever done.

I changed my name on the day of the divorce hearing, there was no additional cost to do it at that time. I had lived for 26 years with a name that was not me, a name that belonged to someone who abused me for the whole of 26 years, the name of a family that did not accept me (mainly because I wasnt Italian) so why would I want to keep that name. I needed to get back to the real me, and after 26 years of the phony name, it was so easy to slip right back into my signature and conversations using my maiden name.

My doctors have been really good about the change, and usually dont make any slips.

The only stress was with my sons GF LOL, she sent me a thank you for a graduation gift and had stressed for several days about how to write and address the invitation, she finally had to ask my son!

Now sems a good time for you to make that change.

Smiles,
Dawn

Ok, here's my contribution...

First, the why:

I went back to my maiden name because, after the way things ended and the number of things my X did through the last part of our marriage, I just didn't want to have his name anymore. On top of that, he was already calling the other woman he is living with his "fiancee" well before we were divorced, and they even were working on having a child together, and announcing it proudly to mutual friends of me and X - it was all highly embarrasing to me. I do NOT want to have the same name as HER when/if they ever do get married.

Now, that particulars:

I'm in MD. Here (as I think it is in most states) going back to your maiden name is normally easy - just checking a box on the divorce forms. Well, my X filed in a little backwater county here, one that is a good 2 hour drive from where I live. It is also normal that the defendant doesn't need to appear in court as long as the divorce is uncontested, even if the defendant is taking back her maiden name. After the court date, we found out that the judge would not sign the divorce decree because I had asked for my maiden name back, but didn't show up in court. This judge (unlike any other county in the state, according to my lawyer), requires the woman taking back her maiden name to show up in court to swear she isn't doing it to avoid creditors.

Well, this whole long story is to get to the point of telling you how I changed back without a court order or anything - didn't cost me a penny. I got mad that this judge was being a pain about this, and decided I needed to do a little research. What I found out was that according to MD state law, a woman can go back to her maiden name at ANY time, without a court order, as long as she is returning to her original name (as it is on her birth certificate.) It doesn't even have to be in conjunction with a divorce. So, I just went to the MVA with my birth certificate, marriage license, and old social security card (anything with my name on it, such as a bank statement, etc. would have worked for the 3rd id.) I had to argue with the first people I talked to a little, but only because it was something with which they weren't familiar - as soon as they asked a supervisor, I had no problems getting it done.

Once I had a driver's license with my maiden name, I just went to the nearest social security office, and with the license in hand, got my SSN changed back in a matter of minutes.

Now I'm just working on changing the rest back. I think the only thing that's actually going to cost anything is the fact that I still have several boxes of checks with my married name that I will probably have to end up shredding and buying new checks.

My advice - do some internet research. I think I did a google search using: "name change" divorce law ... or something like that. The site that ended up telling me that I didn't need a court order to change it was a transgendered site! Playing around with search terms eventually brought up the MVA form I needed, which spelled out exactly who could change names, for what reasons, and what forms of proof were needed to do so.

You could also call your local MVA office and ask - evidently, getting the driver's license changed is the hardest part. But keep in mind that if your state is like most, the first person you get on the phone will tell you you need a court order, whether that's actually the case or not.

If you need any help with the research on it, let me know on here and I can see if I can re-find the sites where I got all my info!

Oh, and I should add this..... even my lawyer thought I would need a court order to change my name if it didn't happen in the divorce. And she wasn't trying to get extra money - she even said she would do all the paperwork at no cost, that all I would have to pay would be court costs and advertising fees (because doing a name change through a court order separate from a divorce, you have to advertise that you are changing your name in local papers to notify any creditors.) Her office was glad that I gave them the info on how to get around this for future clients. I'm just glad I didn't just take everyone's word on how it is supposed to work, and did the research for myself.

<small>[ August 19, 2004, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: penguin ]</small>

I will be getting a divorce and I will be taking my maiden back. My children are fine with it. I think it is important for you to take back your maiden name also. The kids will get used to it and so will your former students. You need to move on and with no children involved who cares. I don't know what the laws are in your state but look into it the money will be well worth it. '

Good Luck!

I have my given name back. It made me cringe to be referred to as Mrs. Humperdinck. The kids are okay with me having a different last name. They explain it for me, I never have to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My (divorced) sis is also in education. She decided to wait until her youngest was 18 then she's changing her name too. She didn't want them to have to deal with the mom-with-a-different-name thing I'm going through.

If you have children, you may never totally get rid of the x's name. After all these years, I chaperoned my daughter's band trip - with the band of a school she had attended for only one year and my name change was about 4 years ago - and my name appeared on the lists as Mrs. x. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> And my son has a friend who has permission to call me Mrs. Nate (son's name) because he always gets tangled up on the last name. And my daughter had some friends who called me Ms. Gillian (daughter's name).

Considering the fact that, in my dog obedience instructor/competitior days, I was known as "Sunshine's mama" - Sunshine was the dog, being Mrs. son's-name is fine with me.

a) why did you do so?
My ex-husband has a very unusual last name - its actually two very simple words put together but I always had to spell it for everyone (and then would hear..."oh just like it sounds" duh!). I changed because I didn't want to have his name anymore. Our marriage was abusive and he was unfaithful. Besides he had left many ex-Mrs. B's. I didn't want to be another one of them. We didn't have children so I saw no reason to be connected to him by name.

b) was it difficult to do so? (did it cost money?)
I included it in my divorce. Everything else has just been a matter of giving a copy of the divorce decree to make the change. I still have stuff left to change but I am just working through it slowly but surely. Some stuff I had never changed from my maiden name!

c) what was the response of people around you?
Family and friends have been very supportive almost to the point of being estatic for some of them. They are all glad that I am out of that relationship and getting back to my self. Taking my name back was a very symbolic step of getting myself back. I've had some good-natured ribbing from co-workers however. Clients and other business contacts have not blinked an eye. I have been signing all correspondence Debbie H***** (B*******). In a couple of months I'll drop the (B*******). I do not know if that is proper etiquette but its worked for me.

d) any advice for me?
Just do it. Its a great way to close that chapter of your life!

I took back my maiden name when I divorced xH

So here is what I am wondering.....if you are a divorced woman and you went back to your maiden name,
a) why did you do so?

Because it wasn't "my" name. I had never grown attached to it, nor created an identity with it. Fact is I hated it, because I hated him -- and could barely call my two kids by their father's surname for years.

(yes the relationship was abusive)


b) was it difficult to do so? (did it cost money?)

I did it at the time of the divorce (in front of him, guess he may have been a little irked) it became part of the divorce agreement so there was no extra charge.

c) what was the response of people around you?
It was only confusing at school... but in general everyone took it well. My sister kept her married name after her divorce, I knew she would to.. because as children our maiden name but us at the end of the line, and she hated that. Her married name begins with an "A."

I won't go back to my maiden name if I divorce h#2 -- I have built an identity with this name, and it's now me -- not him.

d) any advice for me?
If it feels right and better to you, do it. It's another way of shaking off the past.

way2

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 08:18 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

Hi Jen!

I say go for it! After all, you've talked yourself in2 it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm more excited about your update. Was wondering what happened 2 you. I'm glad your xH has "shown his true colors" 2 you. There was always something WAY wrong with your sitch that didn't quite ever come out. You're better off away from that, and now you realize it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
-ol' 2long

Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences. Way2 and 2long (hey, do you 2 ever have something in common!) - great to hear from you "old timers" from the good old days.

Well, I've gone ahead with the name change. It's on all of this year's timetables at work. I've already seen my lawyer about changing the name on the land title to my home, went to order a new driver's license, and spent 4+ hours on the phone today making the change with at least 15 other creditors/companies. Next up, faxing my birth certif., new license, and divorce certif. to several institutions to finish things off.

I am happy and relieved that I've changed it back. It just feels right. It feels like I've taken back complete and total control of my life, a definite positive step in the right direction. I feel more confident about myself than I have in a long time.

Oddly enough, I ran into my exMIL and one of her sons today. She came over and gave me a hug and a kiss, and said very little, as I could tell she was on the verge of breaking into tears. I thought maybe she'd be mad at me for filing for Dv from her son and for cutting off contact with her and the rest of the family, but I got the genuine impression that she was sad that I'm not part of her life anymore. I tried asking how she was and her reply was not so good; I asked how her father was doing, and same reply, not so good (he's been in the hospital ever since he had a stroke at the beginning of July). The poor woman lost her H last year, and is seemingly about to lose her father too. I feel for her, losing the 2 most important men in her life. My exBIL was super friendly today and updated me a bit on his new job, etc. I got thru seeing them without tears, during or after. I'm finally at a point where I have accepted that life and time has moved on, and they simply no longer have an appropriate place in my life. However, I will always be kind and friendly when I see any of my exH's family or even him.

Oh, and I've been brave enough to dabble a little in an online dating website. So far I've only emailed a bit with a few people, but hey, I've taken another step into the future!!

Jen

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences. Way2 and 2long (hey, do you 2 ever have something in common!) - great to hear from you "old timers" from the good old days. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">as long as it never becomes way2long lol!

I'm glad that the name change is given you a new prespective!

way2

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

Jen, I hear you about reliving the past too much. I, too, lurk occasionally, mostly to see how everyone's doing.

I'm not even divorced yet (STBX is stalling because when it's final, he'll have to make the money he gets in the settlement last indefinitely since he doesn't seem to have any intention of working again - hasn't in almost 4 years now) but I've already changed my name.

Seems I never officially changed it in the first place, just started using his name on my driver's license. My SS card still had my maiden name on it.

It was a huge relief to be rid of his name and the association with the mess he's created of his life.

I haven't even started with a D, although that is where my WH is pushing. But I had to ask those of you that did change your name. Were you concerned with your children? I don't want to keep his name, but i don't want to confuse or hurt my children. I am a teacher and I always think when i get children with names that do not match their parents. I know that is wrong, but I am being honest. So those of you that have, do you think it affected your children?

I never legally changed my surname after I married my ex... so it wasn't an issue for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When I was in high school, my music (strings/orchestra) teacher had 3 different names during the time I was there. Grade 10 she was Mrs. Fields, Grade 11 she was Ms.Dancyger (her maiden name), and by grade 12 she was Mrs. Arnold (she married the band teacher! LOL). We all got used to all 3 names... so your students will do just fine too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I haven't been on MB in months, but I thought I'd check it out and do some lurking last night. Then I came across this thread today, and wanted to reply.

I'm glad to hear you're moving on with your life. It's great fun, isn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm doing much of the same thing, although I'm still NOT divorced yet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Family court is so devastatingly slow!! (and the finalizing of the D is the very last thing that gets done... and with all of the other b.s. going on since I left nuckfuts, it's no wonder it's taken so long).

Karen

Topie! Long time no talk! It's so good to hear from you. It's funny, I only pop in now and again, and here you and I both popped in on the same day!

Thanks for the story about the teacher w/ 3 names. I think I will keep my name the same from here on out, considering that the Dv rate for 2nd marriages is so high. Gosh, you sure have had to wait a long time for your Dv to go through. Some people give me queer looks when I tell them I was separated for 2 years, like it was a long time. Here's hoping the courts get their butts in gear sooner rather than later!!

Moving on is a very good thing. I'm far more confident and happy these days than I have been in a VERY long time. I am having lots of fun in life on my own.

Although finding a man to share my life with is an elusive goal at best. I have yet to get out on a date. I feel that I am ready to do so finally! I've been trying to meet people online. I've been emailing with a couple of guys, but no dates yet. I am holding out for them to ask me out. I need someone else to make the first move.

This time I will only give the time of day to:
a) someone I have "chemistry" with (aka a strong immediate physical attraction to)
b) someone as tall as or taller than me;
c) someone who is a very good listener, and actually cares about what I think and say.

And I will run away from:
a) someone who shows controlling tendancies, or who is readily critical of me or my family,
b) someone who is still tied to their mother's apron strings (eg. whose mother plays far more of a role in their life than me),
c) someone who insists on having female "friends" that they insist on spending time with on a one-on-one basis.

Are my expectations unreasonable? These somewhat rigid needs on my part may result in me being single for ages, who knows. Heck, my incredibly jealous tendancies and inability to trust a man to have female friends may be a huge road block. But I'd rather be alone than settle for less what makes me truly happy.

However, I absolutely dread the day any new man in my life asks me why I ended up divorced. I fear that they will bolt the minute I tell them that it was because of infidelity on my part (even if my exH's poor treatment of me, along with his EAs was a huge factor). If anyone knows my situation/history, and has advice in this regard, please let me know. I REFUSE to be dishonest in any way with a new man though, and that includes omitting information. If and when someone asks, I feel obligated to be completely honest.....but I'm not sure of the best way to tell this truth.

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>