I have posted here a couple times in the past few years. My wife and I have been married for 18 yrs. I the past 5 yrs we have attended marriage counseling on and off. We have been in counseling now for 12 months. Our main problem revolves around her lack of phsyical desire. She tells me things would be better if: We had better communication, my relationship my our daughter was better, we spent more time together, etc, etc. The list seems endless. I have done my best in the past year to address every issue of concern to her.
Our relationship recently actually improved in every area except for the physical part. I eventually got frustrated and suggested a separation. After I said it, I apologized and told her I just needed to vent ny frustration. She has withdrawn and has not been able to talk about our problems for two months now. She has pretty much shut me out of her life. This is the third time she has done this very thing. Last year she didn't talk to me for four months, waiting to find a counselor. She said she didn't want to make things worse. Our current counselor addressed this issue of her shutting me out for months and we agreed that it was wrong. It seems I have made all these positive changes and nothing has changed with her. I don't believe I am perfect, but I have been trying and addressing every issue she has brought up.
Our counselor has discontinued seeing her because she manipulates everything. She has cancelled several appts and I have gone alone. He set her up with a new counselor to work on her issues, but she cancelled the new counselor and said it didn't work out. She is getting another counselor, but who knows? Our counselor calls her passive aggressive. She doesn't do things directly to hurt me, but passively does things she knows are very difficult for me. The way she deals with our problem is everything is my fault. We have gone through countless reasons why our physical relationship is lacking, and every reason is because of me.
I love her very much and am trying to hang in until she can begin to talk again. Even then I don't know if things will improve unless she takes responsibility that she is a big part of the problem and it's not all me. I have stayed with her through an 8 months separation with no contact, 5 1/2 months of no contact with 4 months of no talking to me, and this time so far two months of no talking to me. I don't know too many people that would put up with all this. I am trying to keep my family and marriage together, but am at my end. I don't know how much longer I can continue to be treated so badly.
I appreciate any responses and suggestions to our situation.
Dan

Yikes! There is a lot of information on passive/agressive behavior, posted by RWukovich. He posts on the just found out forum, and on general questions.

I will try to find it for you. It is quite interesting.

Hi, Dan. Welcome (back) to Marriage Builders. I hope you'll find some comfort in these pages.

Do you mind if I ask some questions?

-Even if it seems completely irrelevant to you, has there EVER been an affair in your marriage from either party?
-Has your wife seen a physician about her lack of desire?
-Has there always been a lack of desire from your wife or has this evolved through the course of the marriage?
-How stable has your life been (aside from children--have there been moves, job changes, etc?)
-Aside from the pass/agg behavoir, have any of the counselors felt that your wife is depressed?

You don't have to answer these questions, but if you could post a little more detail on your story I think it would help us.

I think it's AWESOME how committed you are to your marriage and how much you're hanging in there. A lot of women do not understand just exactly how important sex is in a marriage. I know that I didn't (before my separation). I mean, I did...but I didn't realize exactly how much. I expected inifinite understanding and patience from my H and was selfish in not realizing how much the lack of sex was affecting him. I did have specific reasons for my lack of desire, however I never did a single thing to try and overcome them. NOT A SINGLE THING!! The funny thing about that was that I actually missed sex..I just didn't want any. Anyway, bravo for you for trying to communicate to your spouse how important this for you to your wife. My H didn't tell me..always said he understood..but he didn't and it helped to lead us to the state we're in. And for me--well, he only gave me a year to try and change my behavoirs and this was a year after finding out he had an affair. We're currently separated and now are giving ourselves another year but he is not especially committed. So again, I have to say that I admire your willingness to stand for your marriage.

Sounds good on how much things are improving in other aspects of the marriage. Do you feel that your wife is mostly happy with the way things are going? Aside from sex, do you feel loved and connected with her? It is a shame she is withdrawing so much from you. What is your feeling on what she hopes to accomplish by this behavoir? Do you think she is just hoping you'll drop the whole sex issue?

maddyk,
I'll try to answer your questions. There was an affair 7-8 yrs ago on my part. I told her and broke it off and have never strayed since. Our counselor has suggested she take anxiety and depression meds. I think she lets "everything" get in the way of sex. Everything seems to have to be perfect which is next to impossible. She asked her doctor about meds to increase her desire. She says he told her there is no such thing. There has always been a problem in this area for us. It seemed to be getting better with counseling, but it started go back to the old way and I got frustrated and told her. She withdrew from me two months ago and hasn't been willing to even talk. She told our counselor she doesn't feel she is any good at being married. I think it's another passive/agg victim behavior. There haven't been any major changes in either of our lives lately. We've been married 18 yrs and I've been at the same job for 17. She was in the Army reserve, but is retired and doesn't work.
I have told her what my physical needs are, which I think aren't very demanding or very often. She told me and the counselor that she can't give me what I need. I've made a host of changes in the past year (a long list of things she needed me to work on). The one thing I need she says she can't do.
I felt connected with her two months ago, but the lack of physical contact drives me up the wall. I don't know what she wants to accomplish from this round of silence. I can only guess she wants space to works on her issues??? I'm beginning to wonder if I want to continue with someone who can shut me out for months at a time. This is round three in 5 yrs. I'm very angry about the silence and angry that when I mention sex is a problem I end up with nothing for months.

Okay, dan, bear with me because I'm not an expert and haven't even been at MB that long. So please take everything with a grain of salt. Weekends can be slow around here and I know it's hard to not get feedback right away <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Re, the affair. Do you feel that she has forgiven you for it? When did this lack of sexual desire begin? Was it always there?

Re, the doctor. Um..if willing, your wife should go to a new doctor. If she wasn't tested for homones, she should be.

Re, the pass/agg behavoir. The reason why I asked what you thought she was trying to accomplish was because a pass/agg person would have a "plan" in mind. I really doubt that "space" is it. The woman is punishing you for some reason. Lack of sex is one thing (and indeed, bad), but totally withdrawing from you is another--it is a punishment. I mean, my husband wants space from me but we still talk lovingly..neither of us has completely detached ourselves from the other.

I'll bet your wife does not feel like she's good at being married, whether saying so is pass/agg too. I'm not sure what to tell you about that. You reassurances to the contrary would likely fall on deaf ears.

Has your wife gone to individual (not marriage) counseling or would she be willing to? I really feel for you here..it seems like you're doing everything right..and she even agrees!! But you're changing, and she's not.

I'm sorry I can't give you more concrete advice here and I'm only asking questions.

maddyk,
I thought she had fogiven me. The lack of sexual desire has been going on for years. I'm not going to suggest another doctor. I think if she was honestly interested in changing things she would find a way. I doubt he checked for hormones due to her response. I have changed every area that was a concern of hers and cut back in every other area to spend more time with her and give her the attention and time she needs. I only asked her for one thing: That our physical relationship improve. She says she can't meet my needs. I asked to do something basic for me once every 4-5 days that she did not even have to get into, just for me, and something special for both once every 2-3 weeks. I need the something special more than she does. She can go months without doing anything special. She says she can't do this. Am I asking for something unreasonable?
Maybe she is trying to punish me. When I got upset that things were worsening sexually I suggested a separation. She asked "me" what the purpose would be. I told her that I didn't want a separation, just was frustrated. She asked me if I said it just to hurt her. I am honest and said that may have been a small part of it, but mostly because of my frustration. Maybe this is the payback from her. Total shut out, no sex and no talking for months.
She says I'm not happy with anything she does. I tell her that I couldn't ask for more in any area, except sex. She makes me feel like it's my fault for saying anything.
Our counselor hooked her up with a separate counselor just for her. She went once and told me things didn't work out with her. Probably because she didn't like what she heard. She told me she's getting another counselor, but I have no idea when that's starting or if it already did. She did tell our couselor that I have made good improvements in the past year and she doesn't feel very good at marriage. Maybe again trying to make me the bad guy. I pray her new counselor can see through this behavior and not take sides with her that this is all my fault. I'll tell you how she thinks. She told our counselor she liked her last counselor, but I disagreed with some things she said. This counselor tells me, in front of my wife, that sex is not a need, that monks don't have sex. I guess you can see why I disagreed with some things she said. And I also guess my wife agreed with her. I also told her a month or so into this shut out that I believe God will work in us to make changes so this works out. Her response "What? So you get better sex?" She hasn't a clue that sex is an actual need for me and not just something that's nice to do occasionally. This is what I'm up against. Both of us are christians. She says she doesn't believe in divorce. I don't either, but how long do I continue to do this? How many times? Unless she serious changes her way of thinking sex will always be a problem for us.

Could you get her to read the Basic Concepts here, esp. relating to emotional needs and sexual fulfillment (SF)? I think it does a good job of explaining to the ladies that SF is a valid need for our men just as communication is for us.

Also another good book is the Five Love Languages. That book helped me to discover the fatal flaw in my now-terminated marriage ... neither of us believed the other truly loved them because our 'languages' were gibberish to each other.

She may not be open to it if she feels that everything is YOUR fault, but Building an Affair-Proof Marriage is good reading too. I wonder if she will ever 'get over' that from the way it sounds like she is punishing you.