Why can't I let go?! My husband moved out 5 months ago, and I basically had to beg him not to file for divorce. This is the lowest point of my life. We've been together 10 yrs. (our whole adult lives) and have 2 kids. Our marriage was a shambles for years...he's an alcoholic and I totally try to control everything and have no self esteem, way too many problems to list them all. Anyways, the question I have is this...He has agreed to give it 3 more months (not working on the marriage, but just more time for me to accept this at all). I had to BEG for the time and it makes me sick that I did that. But what can I be doing on my own to possibly save my marriage or is it totally hopeless? He says he does not love me anymore and hasn't for a long time. Do I just accept this and try to move on or continue to fight for this? Please help, I know that you all understand.

Mallory,
I know exactly how you feel. My husband too is an alcoholic and he filed for divorce after I asked him to leave. I couldn't stand any more of the drinking and the fear we experienced.

To him, I am the reason he drinks yet he drank before he knew me. The alcoholic mind is not logical or rational. I kept thinking that one day he would wake up but he never will. (I hear myself saying that so that eventually I'll REALLY believe it-sigh) He told me that since he left, that he hasn't had anything to drink but I know that's a lie.

I too have poor self esteem. On the one hand, I'm glad he's gone yet on the other hand, i miss his presence. I have to constantly remind myself that I don't want to live with alcoholism any longer. It's a nightmare and gets worse with the passage of time. Believe me-it's been 21 years.
I have good days, bad days and then really, really bad days.

Last spring when I had enough, I decided to show him what it would be like to not have a family. Our daugther and I have had little conversation with him since then. It didn't wake him up, it made him worse. And according to him, it's my fault again that it's worse.

I have called him twice since he's been gone 20 days. Mistake. Now I just don't answer when he calls and he's even stopped that. I don't understand it myself but I don't want to break all contact. After 21 years of misery, I seem to want to continue. Remember in the Bible when Moses got the children of Israel out of Egypt after 400 years of slavery. When things got bad in the desert, they wanted to go back to the misery of slavery and Egypt. I too seem to want to look toward Egypt all the while knowing that it's bad there.

Last night I wrote down all the horrible things he and his family have done to me and our daughter. It took three pages. I have printed it off to remind me why I don't want to return. It reminds me of my Egypt.

I saw a counselor this week and she was a big help. She too said my self esteem is in the toliet and she will help me find me again. She confirmed that there need not be any more marriage counseling, that I need to move on, and grow. She's right.

It's just a long process and time is the only healer. Putting it off for 3 months is just going to prolong the misery. Like my counselor said, if in time, he recovers from alcoholism and his other problems, there's no law against remarriage. She's very wise.

When one is married to an alcoholic, life is just about them. They are the center of attention and when you've focused on one thing for a very long time, it's difficult to break that habit. I'm sure you too feel you've lost a part of yourself in the process.

Find a good counselor and let that person help you through these "desert" times. As I do, you need to find your life again.

Thanks JPH, I really do appreciate your response. My rational mind tells me that there was no way that I could live like that forever. I really thought that I was loved, but for years no love was shown to me. I know that's why my self esteem is so low, but I also know that it's my fault. But why do I love him so much still? Really how could I love him so much with all the things that he has done? But I truly try to focus on the good that he has done and I do forgive all of the hurts. Why can't he forgive me? Why am I so attached to him? It really makes me crazy. I was seeing a therapist who really did help me at the time. Maybe I need to go back, but I have so much work to do on my own. I just don't know where to start. I don't want to compromise my beliefs and give up on someone that I love. I think that letting go is a lot harder than staying with the person...at least it feels like that right now.

Yes it does feel like that right now...I'm in the same boat but I just remind myself that I deserve better. An alcoholic is never going to get better if someone in their life is enabling. Whether we do something for them or remain as the excuse, it's a no win situation. My presence keeps him from seeing his problems. I'm there for the blame and foolishly after long enough time, the target accepts the blame. It's insane and unless you've been there, people just don't understand. It's like the Stockholm syndrome. We've been brainwashed by our captives that their cause is right.

Everyone in my life tells me that when I come out on the end of this thing, I'll be mad at myself for not doing it sooner. Don't be in my shoes and waste 21 years.

If your upbringing was as mine, I was never around an alcoholic. It's a different world. It's a prison. You don't have friends over and eventually you won't have many friends. They become afraid because its dangerous. Your children don't have friends over and their parents don't want their children at your home. You live in a world where things around your home are not repaired or maintained because the focus is the alcoholic. It doesn't matter if something doesn't work if you're thankful to live through the night. It doesn't matter that the yard is not perfectly manicured because you're just glad the police didn't have to come during the night. You think it will never get to that point but believe me, it will-eventuallly. It gets progressively worse over the years so subtly that you hardly notice.

You think that we're "trailer trash" but let me tell you. I have a college degree and I thought my husband did until recently-his lies came out. I was raised in a Christian home and until a few months ago was at church every Sunday. Have you ever heard the expression that some Christians shoot their wounded-I can testify to that. Our home is paid for and we have no debt. A life that people who don't get very close thought was all American. When the sun went down, it quickly became ugly-very ugly.

Mallory-please listen. A life with an alcoholic is a living nightmare. He's not going to magically get better and he's not going to wake up to what he's doing. He needs help and a desire to stop.

thanks again, I do know that what you are saying is true. See, the thing is, he seems to be getting better now. He said that he is going to start going to church and knows that he has been headed down the wrong path (didn't really admit to having a drinking problem). I do see so much potential, but he does not want me in his life and has no more love for me. He says he cannot be with anyone while he has so many problems. It makes me so sad, because I'm willing to wait for him to get better. But I know that I need to work on myself and not concentrate on him. What you said is true, there's no law against getting remarried to the same person. That is already in my head. I have visions of getting back together. I'm sure I'm setting myself up for more disappointment. But 21 years was such a long time for you to endure that, I just kept hoping and praying that he would change. All of what you said is so true, life totally focuses around him even though I have 2 small children...he has always been the focus for some reason....

M2,

Looooong time lurker here with a book recommendation that I think you'll find very helpful. Run out and buy it ASAP. Trust me, you won't regret it.

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Good luck,
DW

Just some insight from a H with a W who is an alcoholic. She has been in AA for 2 years and recently filed for divorce and as it turns out has been having an affair with an AA friend. Stoping the drinking does not necessarily make things better. She at this time is behaving as if she was drinking, A DRY DRUNK I am told. They are irrational and turn all situations around so that they fit thier situation, that is how they justify their actions. She still has not admitted the affair, out of sight out of mind, like when she was an alcoholic. I will tell you this and I mean it sincerely, get yourself an AL-Anon group, it will do wonders for yourself.

I will definately try both suggestions. I was in therapy for a while and (my husband was seeing the same therapist separately). I thought I could get better. I cannot believe how much my total happiness depends on him. That is so unfair to my husband, no one can live like that. People on the outside probably think that I'm so strong and independent, I've gotten so good at hiding my feelings that I don't even know who I really am or how I really feel. My husband moved out 5 months ago and I've only told a handful of people. I feel like such a failure. Maybe part of me does want to let go, but I really don't know how.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mallory2:
<strong> People on the outside probably think that I'm so strong and independent, I've gotten so good at hiding my feelings that I don't even know who I really am or how I really feel. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Look at that statement. It's not from a healthy mind. Whether your addicted to alcohol, drugs, or your husband that isn't healthy.

Please listen to the advise you've been given. Look into the Alnon group and explore the co-dependency issue. So many people overlook the unhealthy aspect of being so dependent upon your partner. Best of luck to you.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

How come I can have so many realizations and then just go back to square one? My husband has been telling me that I'm crazy ("psycho" in his words) for years. I know that it's not true, but I know that I do have a lot of problems. It's almost like I'm "addicted" to him, and it's so true that NO addiction is healthy. So should I go back and tell him to forget about giving me 3 more months? I think that I need to chill out for a while. I still see him all of the time (due to childcare for the kids). Now I'm gonna start bringing them to daycare just so I don't have to see him...it is too heartbreaking. That is such a problem. I'm hoping it will be easier if I don't have to see him so much. when does it get better. It's like the rollercoaster has continued. Any tips, or is it just time? I hate that others are going through this, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone.

Have you gotten the book M2? It'll be a real eye opener for you and will shed some light on your "addiction" to your WH........

DW