ok all I have a post in resolving conflict....but things have just gotten worse and I don't know what to do....I know I did wrong....and I have regreted it every day...my one day fling...cost me alot...but my husband doesn't even want to try....and he is the one who sent me...we had many problems before my A......and they pretty much pushed me to what happened...and my husband paid for the ticket and sent me.........so my husband has gone into denial about his involvement with the situation....he also acts very childish in his angry out bursts like calling me hurtful things then hanging up on me and when I call back calling me them again and hanging up......he has sunk to a 4th grade level....he turns simple conversations into world war 3....he kicked my 1 year old son and I out and we were forced to live in a drafty apartment where you had to use a bucket to flush the toilet....and that was ok with him...until I told him my son and I were coming home and he could go live there....suddenly it wasn't safe enough for him.....and speaking of safe he has become extremely paranoid....accusing me of hiring a hit man and having him wait at our house to kill him...I almost burst out laughing when he said that...Number 1 I want to save my marriage....and number 2 *jokingly* where would I get the money to do that.....he complains about finances then he runs off on a trip for a wekk spending money on a rental car a hotel and new clothes....and me spending money to make that hole in the wall apartment somewhat liveable for his son and I isn't of importance.....anywho...he is forcing divorce on me and doesn't want to comprimise anything having to do with our son till I do agree to divorce.....I have tried to make efforts and am stuck....anyone out there have experience with this...

I don't understand. You screwed around and it is his fault?

LL:

I've read over your past posts, and, I must say, you don't provide too much info on your sit. When was your A? Was it physical? Your son is 1 yrs - is he your H's, or OM's?

Also, I have to say your posts still sound very, very defensive about your A, and very negative towards your H. Not a good position to be in to seek reconciliation.

Have you done everything? As a BH who did try for 16 months to forgive and reconcile with my WW, I can also speak from the position of seeking a D. Strangely, now my WW is desperately seeking to rebuild.

Unfortunately, I am left wondering, why now? For 16 months, efforts on her part consisted of emotionally closing down and shutting me out. No attempt was made to demonstrate remorse, or to make amends. Oh, sure I was well aware of the contributions I made to our pre-A sit, but she never acknowledged hers. She was Miss "Never Wrong", and thus was not accountable for the lies and misconceptions she held before.

Also, as a man, it is extremely hard to talk to anyone else about your WW's A. It is so humiliating! Who can a guy turn to in order to discuss the fact that OM was such a superstud, that the SF with him was "best ever"? Who can a guy cry to? Instead, the emotions, rage and self loathing are bottled up.

Finally, my WW's A made me doubt everything about myself, and question my decision making ability. I lost all my self confidence, and I simply could not make any clear valuations about anything. I knew this, yet was powerless to stop it.

I was also paranoid about things, too, although I never thought my WW hired a hitman. But, if my WW had ever laughed at me for any of my paranoid thoughts, I'd have left right there on the spot. That was not a very appropriate response, given where it's coming from in your BH's pain-addled mind and decision making process.

I ran up a rather big CC debt that I am still paying off in the post-A period. I was desperately trying to feel good about myself, and attempted to find self-worth in acquisitions. Strangely, I left pretty much everything I bought at the home for WW and the kids. I took nothing with me, except my computer, which I need for work. But, I did spend money foolishly in the early part of post-A. But, then my decision making abilities had been severely impaired.

I'm telling you this because you must understand the humiliation and pain your BH feels, and how that is clouding his judgement. However, you must realize too that he is not OBLIGATED to forgive you and take you back. That is ultimately something my WW did not see. She figured that my love for her, which she'd taken for granted, was so unconditional that I'd simply accept her back without any form of restitution. I was the injured party in her A. I, too was unhappy pre-A. I, too had unmet ENs.

I wanted more than a simple apology. I wanted her to acknowledge the core of my pain, and say to me "what can I do to make it up to you?

Some WS here write about not being able to change the past. But, that is what amends is all about. Acknowledging that the past can't be changed; but past transgressions must be make up for. If someone is in a car accident and is sued, it is not to somehow go back in tim and change it all; it is to make restitution to the injured party for the damages that have been inflicted. For a life that has been irrevocably altered.

LL,

It seems to me that you have not accepted that what you did was very very painful to your H. Further you have not accepted that by betraying him you may have ended the marriage no matter how much you want to make it up to him?

I would strongly urge you to read the section on Love Busters and pay particular attention to those classified as Disrespectful Judgements, DJ's. Let me offer you a few examples of why I have made the statements I have.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and he is the one who sent me...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are blaming your H for your A? Is that what I am reading here. He had NOTHING to do with your choice of have an affair. He had something to do with the state of the marriage, but your decision to break your vows with an infant in the family as well, was TOTALLY YOUR DECISION. Quit apologizing to him with the "but" attached to it and he might figure out you get it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">we had many problems before my A......and they pretty much pushed me to what happened...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No it did NOT push you, you decided to do this and you did it. Quit blaming him for something YOU and YOU alone decided to do. He was not part of any discussion or agreement that you would have an affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and my husband paid for the ticket and sent me.........</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ticket to where? Having the affair? You previous post do not indicate what really happened. You need to be a bit more specific if you want advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so my husband has gone into denial about his involvement with the situation....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My bet he is denying that he had anything to do with your decision to have the affair and...he is correct he did not. That was your choice and your decision. Accept that and quit trying to blame him. The only person that seems to be in denial here is you. You won't make any headway until you accept your full responsibility for the decision to have the A and you quit, the "Yes...But you did" sort of apology. That "but" negates any apology and he knows it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he also acts very childish in his angry out bursts like calling me hurtful things then hanging up on me and when I call back calling me them again and hanging up......he has sunk to a 4th grade level....he turns simple conversations into world war 3... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, people act pretty childish when they are in great pain. I guess it is good news that you are not in much pain right?? I suspect if you are not accepting your choices and you are not doing much to earn his trust, then you can expect he gets angry. His method of handling it is not good, but he is the one having to handle your A, your betrayal, and all that he lost when YOU decided to turn to another man.

Time to stop looking at this from your side and have a look from his side, THEN you will be in a position to try and make the situation where you are both on the same side.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I am on the other end of this senerio so I may be able to give some insight. My W was having an affair and filed for divorce. I want to reconcile, but she acts as though it was my fault that she had the affair. She is out of the house, at her own doing , i believe it was sot the affir could intensify. Bottom line, from a man's point of view, and Remember I do want to reconcile iwth my W, having a SPS who cheated is the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with, not to mention the fact that she is turning things around and trying to make it seem as though I was the reason she had to have the affair.

I would back off for a while and try plan A, basically be nice and expect nothing in return right now from your H and be agreeable and not defensive.

Lost lamb,

I know exactly what you are going thru because that is what my H did after he found out the A. My marriage had problems, at least to me. For years, I felt as if I lived alone but worse than being alone. I had all the responsibilities as a mother and wife, but unappreciated and unloved. I had the same exact thoughts you have--only if my H had been a little nicer to me, nothing would have happened. But if you really want to rebuild your marriage, the first thing you need to accept is that what you did is wrong regardless how bad the marriage is. You also need to acknowledge the pain that your H is going thru. Talk to him, be sincere and take responsibility for your act in stead of blaming on him. Your marriage problem can be dealt with later.

I accepted my problem and A along time ago and hated myself for it for a long time...I apologized, begged, groveled...and beat myself up over it.....At times I almost wanted to die over what I had done...I know it still hurts....even though it was a one day fling...many people have done far worse and worked it out...My father had a 3 year affair almost married the woman AND got her pregnant but my parents are still together.....I am an emotional person and I cry....for him and me....but he at times cannot control his anger...he gets angry about me crying.....and yes OUR son is my Husbands.....Right now I am frustrated because I have been willing to make any sacrifice do anything and he won't let me....believe it or not WE BOTH caused problems in our marriage....Please don't attack me for being frustrated at him and whats happening.....and just so you know I did the thing he had been screaming at me to do I filed for divorce and served him and gave him what he wanted.....it's killing my soul right now....I don't want to give up.....he has asked me to throw out my hope and faith....But the stubborness in me just screams NO DON'T GIVE UP.....I don't know yes I was wrong I was stupid and foolish......but he has a past too.....if you only knew

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 04:40 PM: Message edited by: lost lamb ]</small>

LL

You need to Plan A him until he comes around. Are you in counseling?? Get on the phonwe tomorrow and schedule something. You could also get phone support right on this website.

Another board, General Questions II, has a platoon of amazing ex-wayward sposes who are very supportive of what you are going through. I would check that board out. They can also help you with the specifics of Plan A.

Good luck.

LostLamb:

Look at things from your BH POV. YOU wanted to have an A - you did. He had to accept that.

Now YOU want to reconcile - you're forcing this on him. You're not listening to him!

What he is seeing is this all about you. You want the R, and it doesn't matter what he wants.

He needs to regain some control in this. An A is a very emasculating thing for a man. You might as well have invited the neighborhood in, pointed at his thingy and laughed.

Sometimes a BH feels like his WW has cut off his manhood and handed it to him on a plate.
This becomes especially tricky when the WW wants to call all the shots. "Okay, I waived my ankles in the air for another man, but now I want to reconcile." What's next?

Every story has two sides. Have you heard his?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by What AmIDoing?:
<strong> LL

You need to Plan A him until he comes around. Are you in counseling?? Get on the phonwe tomorrow and schedule something. You could also get phone support right on this website.

Another board, General Questions II, has a platoon of amazing ex-wayward sposes who are very supportive of what you are going through. I would check that board out. They can also help you with the specifics of Plan A.

Good luck. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks I will definatly look into those suggestions....have a good day