My sister called me a couple of nights ago. She said she can't trust anymore after her husband cheated on her last year.

As she was telling me, my 15 year old was in his room suffering once again from depression which 10 minutes before, he had once again asked with hurt in his voice..."Why did you have to divorce?"

We have had him in counseling for quite a while now. His depression had ended but is just starting back this week again. I am changing counselors but the thing is, the divorce effected him more than I would have imagined. Yet I know because of physical violence, I didn't have a choice...

So, here my sister is telling me about how she can't take it anymore, and I think of how much her younger daughter is a "daddy's girl" and how much the older daughter struggles through her teen years and I just had to say, "DON'T DO IT". If there is any way at all to work it out, work it out, if you can possibly not lose your mind and stay with your husband/wife, and children are involved, do it! Stay with them.

I realize most of us do not have a choice in the matter, that it is taken out of our hands...but if you can change it, then do.

I am not saying, stay and cheat either. I don't believe in cheating, I am saying, "work on your marriage as best you can"

I am so sad that this had the effect it did on my oldest child! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anna

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

Hi Anna,
I wish that somehow this kind of information could get into the hands of those that want to divorce. My stbxw thinks that the divorce is no big deal for kids and they will get through it.

We have a 16 yr old daughter and a 14 year old son. My daughter started going off the deep end when the stbxw started her affair and brought the BF home. It went downhill from there. My son is a little better but has developed some destructive behavior.

It's particularly difficult in my situation as my stbxw spent her entire life teaching our children good moral values, right from wrong, saw they were educated in the Catholic church.

Now she is acting completly opposite of what she spent all those years teaching our children. Talk about cofusing an adolescense's mind.

Would she listen to advice about staying in her marriage so as not to cause her children life long psychological problems.. Ya right... Foggy people don't listen to understand advice from anyone that doesn't think like they do.

Please tell me how to get them to first listen, then understand. It's not like the principles aren't founded and agreed on by almost all the proressionals in the head game....

My son's 14th birthday is tomorrow. I used to cry for me and what my life is going to be like. Now I cry even more seeing and feeling what this is doing to my children.

I have 2 older children that I had custody of from my first marriage that she raised with me as well. They are very hurt and even more so as my oldest daughter commented there goes Mom # 2.

I have to be up in 4 hours for work so I guess I better go get some sleep...

Take care and God Bless

David A

Is it sacreligious to mention Dr. Phil on MB?? heehee. One of the things that he did on his Relationship Rescue Retreat is have the couple face each other and raise their hand to slap their partner. Then he said, "You have been dropping bombs of hurt on your spouse for years now, and you are too cowardly to stay and see the hurt in their eyes and the aftermath of their pain. Well you're going to see it today! You are going to slap your partner as hard as you can, and you are going to STAND THERE and see the hurt in their eyes and see their pain. You're not running away from it this time." Then he counts to 3, and no one slaps their partner.

Right about then I think they realize that they have been emotionally slapping their partner and never sticking around to see the pain they cause.

I wish WS's could do that. I know in my home, both of my kids came to me and said, "Why isn't dad here? Doesn't he love me anymore?" and their eyes were just filled with such sadness and pain!! Of course, when I told my WS (at the time) about it, he claimed I put them up to it -or- I made it up -or- any other convenient denial.

I can not imagine that the WS's have ANY idea of how much they hurt their children. I can not imagine that anyone would be so selfish as to KNOW that and do it anyway--so I guess I choose to believe that they can't possibly know how much the children are truly DAMAGED. My S needed therapy for a long time and is just now starting to come around--and my D still clams up--yet it has been years but my exH STILL claims that they are resilient and will adjust!

I guess one thing I do wonder is how can a WS not see the hurt and damage? How can they NOT SEE IT??? It's so big and obvious!!

Anyway, obviously Anna, I couldn't agree with you more. If there is physical danger like you and I encountered--safety first and all. But if it is AT ALL POSSIBLE stay and work it out. Your kids will be hurt for life.


CJ

Anna, I know some people aren't open to it, but can you talk your sister into an MB seminar?
I think I finally talked my friends into it.
I am doing all I can to minimize the impact of the D on my children, through counseling, reading, and through Rainbows.org.
I'm sorry for your son, and all the children affected by D.
I can't imagine what the teenage years will be like for us, but I hope I can give my DD's the grounding now to help them through those years.

From FaithfulNewCJ:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess one thing I do wonder is how can a WS not see the hurt and damage? How can they NOT SEE IT??? It's so big and obvious!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think they can see it or care. At least in the case of my WxW. I intercepted an email from my WxW to her sister telling her how well our boys were doing with the move out. This was after my oldest cried himself to sleep the first 3 nights. That was doing well because all she cared about was herself and her R with OM. I talked to the counselor at his school and I don't know what she said to him but he was much better afterward. He didn't cry himself to sleep anymore until WxW told him about OM. I was talking to him last weekend while he was skating in the driveway and he made an "L" with his thumb and first finger on his forehead and said,"Mom's not an 'L', she's a double 'L'. Lying Loser.". I told him that I shouldn't let him talk about his mother that way but that he is intitled to his opinion and I really couldn't argue with him about this one. I was talking to my youngest on the phone last night and he said he wanted things to be back the way they were before, I could tell he was almost about to cry. I asked him if he had talked to his mother about that and he said that he had and she said that she thought things were much better this way. I told him that if they lived with me I would be able to say that too. I will do whatever I can to help my boys adjust but I am afraid the teen years will be a nightmare. I will do whatever I can to keep a good relationship with them, their mother can lay in the bed she has made for herself.