I am new here...so these are the basics...

My H left about 2 mo. ago, telling me that I was "dried up and bitter". He was right, to make a long story short, that is what happens when someone spends 18 years sucking the life out of you. There has been a strong element of verbal and emotional abuse throughout our marriage.

When he announced that he wanted a divorce, he said he wanted to stay in the house for a few weeks so we could "make arrangements". I refused and told him that if he wanted to leave to leave now. He did. We have had little or no contact since then. Just a couple of e-mails. He sent one with a long list of things that I needed to do to start working toward a divorce. (ie...getting the house and car refinanced in my name etc.) I simply responded that he is the one that wants a divorce and it wasn't my responibility to do it for him. Other than that I have had no contact whatsoever. He has seen the kids (3 ages 13-17)once and corresponds with them via email occassionally.

I am a Christian and firmly believe that I am obligated to try and save my marriage, even though my heart says to let him go. I feel no sense of personal loss. Once I got over the initial shock I realized that in so many ways I am better off with out him. But I believe that marriage is not about me or him, it is about me, him and God. BTW...I know there will be people who disagree with me on this and I would respectfully ask that they refrain from offering advice if it does not include working toward reconcilation.

The problem is I have no idea where to start or how to begin the process. I have been trying to loosely follow the principles of "Tough Love" and give him his freedom so to speak. But our lack of any contact is making reconciliation difficult. He has not made any serious attempt to contact or to discuss anything with me and at this point, I really don't have any reason to contact him. Finances are as good as can be expected and my kids are fine and old enough that he can contact them and make arrangements to see them without involving me.

I guess what I am asking is where is the fine line between "tough love" and working toward reconciliation. If giving them their freedom results in no contact at all...where do you start with trying to reconcile?


And advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi, seemom!

First, I would be willing to betcha that there won't be THAT maybe people here on this board who will smack you with a 2x4 for wanting to reconcile your marriage (M). Hey, this is a MarriageBuilders board after all!

But this forum, Divorced/Divorcing is for people who are currently being divorced against their will--as in, they would prefer recovery after an affair (A) but their partner refuses--or are already divorced. You might find more advice about reconciling and recovering your M over on the forum "General Questions II". Meanwhile, you could come here now and then for explanations of legal stuff, etc.

Second, I would suggest you click on the "Home" button at the top, left corner of this page and begin reading the MB Concepts (called "Basic Concepts"). Here's a very, VERY brief overview:

Each person has within them a LoveBank. If deposits are made into the LoveBank, then the feelings grow and become more positive until it's called "love." If withdrawals are made from the LoveBank, then the feelings die and become more negative until love is lost.

One way to make deposits into the LoveBank is to meet your partner's Emotional Needs (ENs). There are about 10 basic needs that MB discusses--needs like: Affection, Admiration, Openness and Honesty, Sexual Fulfillment, Recreation, Conversation. One way to make withdrawals from the LoveBank is to do Love Busters--behaviors like: Disrespectful Judgements, Angry Outbursts, Annoying Habits, Independent Behavior.

When you and your H met, you naturally met his needs by being the woman you are and being the woman you have the potential to be...and same for him. As the bills added up, and the mortgage, and the kids, and you spent less and less time together--gradually LoveBusters (LB) crept in and love was lost. And sometimes what happens is that about then, one partner will meet someone at work who meets a few of their ENs (maybe Admiration). The Wandering Spouse (WS) starts to turn to the Other Person (OP) to have their needs met and to have more and more of their needs met--until they have a full-blown affair (A). The Betrayed Spouse (BS) is usually DEVASTATED and kind of flips out from the shock for a little while. Then the real work begins!

To win the WS back, the BS has to stop their LoveBusters--because every LB takes love away. The BS also has to start becoming the person they were meant to be, and start meeting the ENs (often at that point the WS doesn't want to have their ENs met by their spouse). Since the BS can not change their spouse or "make" them stop the A or leave the OP, the BS needs to work on themselves and become the very best person they can be.

That's called Plan A.

If at that point the WS refuses to stop the A, end all contact with the OP, and continues to hurt the BS by rubbing the A in their face, etc. then the LoveBank for the BS starts to be depleted. At that point it may be time for Plan B--which is telling your spouse that you love them, but that this A hurts you so much that you need to protect what is left and have no further contact with them until the A is over. When the WS is willing to come home, end ALL contact with the OP and work on the M, then contact can resume.

That's a synopsis! Read, read, read and learn all you can!!


CJ