I have read quite a few of the topics and forums but I can't seem to find a subject to put my question in. This is my first post, so forgive me if I don't have a firm grasp of the short hand way of things.
The thing is my H and I married over four 1/2 years ago and decided to postpone having children. Then just before my yearly drs visit, my H would say that maybe in the next year we would try to get pregnant. So I get all the necessary check ups, and birth control for the whole year, hoping I would be "allowed' to go off the pill fairly soon. The year passes by and no trying yet, so another check up. Same thing. Maybe this year we'll try to get pregnant. This has happened now for almost three years. Now his reasoning for delaying any pregnancy is because he wants us to be totally debt free. No more car payments, all outstanding loans paid off, a brand new tv (since ours is on the fritz)and a new computer (since ours is apparently very old - 4 yrs). This is very frustrating for me because I have some fertility problems and the longer "we" keep delaying things, the worse I think it wil be when we decide to finally try and get pregnant. I have tried to talk to him about this, but he says I am "ramming it down his throat" and that if I back off a little, maybe he'll give it more thought. I am getting close to thirty and worry more and more each dat that my chance is slipping away. My friends say I should "pretend" to take my pill, in hopes of getting pregnant. Maybe an unplanned pregnancy would be okay, but I am really frustrated. I don't want to lose my chance at having children.
Can anyone offer me advice or suggestions? Am I maybe being too selfish?

I understand how you feel, and it does seem as if you have been married a long time and still waiting for children. Does your husband like children? If he wants to wait until the money is right, he might as well give up....there's always going to be a debt, and there's always going to be more expenses. My only suggestion is to very lovingly explain to him how you feel. I would not get pregnant under false pretenses...you would feel guilty forever.

I agree with you that if you're almost 30, you may be playing with fire by putting it off. I have seen this happen in my own family. A relative was very career driven and put off what her H wanted, to have kids. Well now she's developed a medical condition that could threaten her life if she does get pregnant. Now she's obsessed with getting pregnant, but could have a stroke if she does manage it.<p>I tried for 15 years to get pregnant. By some miracle, we are expecting a baby in 2 weeks. But it IS harder when you're older, with more risks.<p>Please do not trick your husband, he may end up leaving if he finds this out. But I would suggest counseling to resolve this. Time doesn't wait around for us to make everything 'just right' before we have kids. My sister said if she had waited until she was 100% ready, she would have not had kids. Now she has 5. There is NO perfect time, I hope you can get him to see that. Good luck

Thanks for the advice. I just might have to seek counselling. Everytime I mention a baby, or any baby for that matter, he says I am ramming it down his throat, and he doesn't need that kind of pressure in his life. He has said that he wants children, but not until everything is paid off and updated. I've told him my biological clock is ticking, and he said if I ever mentioned that phrase again, he would give me a divorce. I don't know what to do. I have often thought of leaving our marriage for this and other reasons, and maybe finding someone who will give me what I want, and have always wanted. But if I leave, it will probably be a couple of years of searching before I find that man. I feel so confused.

Listen to Hurricane Sweets...if you wait for the 'right' time, you'll be waiting all your life. BUT I would never lie to my h about taking the pill...like maggie rose said.<p>Sit him down and talk to him...tell him that this has become an urgent issue for you. See what he says.

I know exactly how you feel. Men just don't understand the urgency involved for women. They can have kids forever, so it doesn't occur to them that for us it becomes more difficult and more dangerous as every year passes. I wouldn't freak out yet though if you're under 30. Almost everyone I know waited until they were in their 30's. I have been married 3 years. All together we have been together 7 years. Recently, I had the same feelings. That I was going to explode if we didn't get started soon and those thoughts entered my mind about finding someone else. But, think about it. You married your husband because you love him not just for his sperm. I'm sure your husband just wants to be able to give your child the best life possible. You are at the age when you start freaking out about children and it's a natural hormonal dilemma. It does pass and you become a little more reasonable. I don't think you want to make a mistake and trick him into it. Just imagine if he deceived you to that extent. You would be furious and feel betrayed. The main point is let him know how you feel and keep the communication open. There might just be a compromise in there somewhere. If your budget looks like your only a year away from being debt free, maybe you can start when you have 6 months to go. The baby takes 9. Not to mention, some times it can take a long time to get pregnant. Hope some of this helps. I just went through this at the beginning of this year, but my husband lost his job (of 8 years)in February, so I had to accept defeat until he finds employment again. I hope everything works out.

I don't think you are too selfish.<p>I read about a similar problem in "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. His wife wanted to have a baby and he was not sure that he was ready to have a baby. She told him the she really wanted a baby and she was going off of birth control. If he didn't want a child, then birth control was his responsibility. After a while, he became tired of sex with condoms and decided that having a child was not such a bad idea.<p>This is not really Marriage Builders advice, since it does not follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. However, I think the POJA is stacked in favor of the party that wants no change. I hope you find this helpful.

Hi holly, I just wanted to say that I am in the same situation as you right now. Only difference is I am 30 and be have been married 10 yrs now.<p> My H has said the same things about wanting to get more money saved, wants to change careers, get things paid off, etc. etc etc. I feel like there is never going to be a quote "perfect time" to start a family. There is always going to be things that come up, thats life. We also have fertility issues. And I even went so far as to go and get all the fertility testing alone, hoping that he would follow. But he never did. That was 2 yrs ago. And even now he still isnt ready. <p>I dont know about your H but mine doesnt like changes and I think also if we had a baby that would mean he would have to grow up ! LOL<p>I dont have any advice for you just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Everytime we see H's family they keep asking when are we gonna have kids and anymore I let him answer and dont say a word. Let him be put on the hotseat for a change!<p>Maybe try talking to your H again. Set him down and ask him to listen to what you have to say. Come up with as many reasons to have a baby as he has reason's not to. The only thing I can say is dont trick him by going off the pill. Always be honest with each other and communicate what you feel. It only would make things worse if he was tricked into it. You want him to be happy that you are bringing a baby into this world together, not angry that you tricked him. <p>Hang in there, I know I am going to. <p>Good Luck !

BabyBlues: Beware. If your husband is immature, then it might be appropriate for him to grow up once a child is born, but that doesn't necessarily mean he will. This forum has many instances of men (and some women) who DID NOT grow up when the situation called for it. Just expecting it to happen won't make it so. I know you're still working on getting agreement about conception. Just wanted to say this because your remark set off warning bells in my head.

If he doesn't want children and feels the subject is being rammed down his throat, perhaps he is delaying what he is afraid of.
Point blank ask him what his fears are surrounding children, and why he feels bills must be paid in order to achieve happiness?
There will always be bills, debts, emergencies, loans.
BUT-getting a new computer is pretty lame...and if this holds precedence over children, I dunno!
You need to know if he really wants to have kids-no, not just go along with you, but really wants to.
This could be cause for divorce and it may take you some time to find Mr. Right, yes, but in the long run, you really still have about 15 years of child birthing and that is plenty of time to find someone who LOVES kids and WANTS a wonderful marriage and FAMILY with you.<p>if this means as much to you as it sounds, I would certainly consider divorce-absolutely DO NOT forget your pill unless you want to be a single mother down the road, because he WILL resent that you got pregnant before he was ready, from the sounds of it!